I need a hobby

I am seriously bored. Bored, bored, bored.

Not like I don’t have things I could do. Things I should do. I’ve even been cleaning like crazy, and that is so not like me.

I just miss my daughter so dang bad! I am realizing that she is my “go to” person for most of what I do. Shopping, movie watching, etc. Which some would say is bad or co-dependent or something… I just say she is one of my favorite friends and we have a lot in common and a lot of fun together. I don’t necessarily think that’s a bad thing.  However…

Maybe I need to branch out a bit more. Strengthen some of my other friendships. Join a book club or a crafting group. I don’t know. I’d have more to  do if I had my own home… I mean, first because there is always something needing doing if you have a house, and second because I had all my supplies to do projects in, and that was always the first thing I’d pile into when I had a spare moment. Still – I find that although I am enjoying the quiet of my daughter being away, I don’t know what to do with myself. And since she will eventually move away for good – and in fact, in this coming school year she will probably find more friends of her own to hang out with rather than just mom – I better find something to occupy my time!

Trusting God with your kids… and other stuff that’s hard. Like loving pets.

My daughter, who is not quite 16 years old, is in Nicaragua this week on a mission trip with her youth group. On the one hand I am totally excited for her; she is going to have a whole new outlook on life when she gets back. I am so proud of her for being brave, being open to what the Lord wants her to do in her life, for simply being willing. On the other hand, it’s kind of… well, it’s not freaking me out; I know God can take care of her better than I can. Even when she talks about the gross stuff that splashed on her while they were cleaning trash in the park, or while crossing the mega-polluted lake – Oh, Lord, protect this child!! I just… really miss her! It’s lonely and quiet here. Okay, the quiet part is kind of nice! We have been able to video chat with her a couple of the nights, so that was fantastic – to touch base, hear how her day went… it’s only been 5 days, and she has 5 days to go… it seems like it’s been a month! It’s cool, though. Especially cool to see how she is beginning to understand the world from a different perspective. As in, she doesn’t really have it as bad as she sometimes thinks!

Seriously, the hardest part has been yesterday morning. We were up getting ready to head out to the Farmer’s Market downtown, when my mom called to me that our dog had hurt her leg. Yup, I am pretty sure it’s serious.. in fact, I think she tore her other CCL… which can only be repaired surgically – and last time that cost us $1,500. Which:  A)we can’t afford and  B)now that she’s 12 and has lots of hip and joint issues I don’t think she can support herself on 3 legs anymore. It takes several weeks of that, for rehab… I don’t know that she’s got it in her.

So that totally stinks because she’s Kiki’s dog. Kiki specifically said when she left “No body and no animals can get sick or die while I’m gone.” Of course I told her there was no way I could guarantee that sort of deal; I don’t make promises I don’t have the total ability to keep… but to be honest I sure didn’t think anything would happen while she was gone! And you have to wonder – at least, I have to wonder – why now? why this week? Seriously?? Because we will take the dog to see our regular vet this week (the one we saw Saturday wasn’t sure, didn’t find anything conclusive) but no matter what, we can’t make “the decision” – if it has to be made – until our daughter gets home. And I don’t know how the dog will hold up… she can’t get up without assistance, although she can hobble about once she’s up… but pottying… well, she’s done one thing, but not the other, and I don’t know how she can when she can’t…well, she can’t squat, if you know what I mean. Sigh.

This is the hard part about loving animals, isn’t it? I guess it’s the hard part about loving any living thing. Because none of us lives forever. Not on this world anyway. Today I am feeling sad and worn and not all that thrilled about this life. I’m trying to remember that God has a plan even when it makes no sense. I’ve been there before, and lived through it.. not without pain or grief, however. Looking forward to the end of this week when my daughter will be home so I can hug on her, because that always makes me feel so much better. I suppose I also need to start thinking about, I don’t know, a hobby or pursuit or something, as this trip is only a tiny precursor to the fact that she will one day soon move away for, well, at least an extended amount of time, if not permanently. She only has 3 years of high school left, after all. Of course, I want her to move on – to college, Bible school, marriage… whatever life has in store for her! It is how it should be, no matter how desperately I will miss her. So I better figure out something interesting with which to fill my days, huh? Not sure how many pets I want….

I think my brain is going to blow up

Do you ever have a problem that turns into a series of problems? That you see no resolution to? I am having one of those, and my head is becoming tired and dizzy by spinning in circles around the not-to-be-seen solution to my situation.
You see, it’s one of those issues where I need to fix ‘A’ but to do that I need to do ‘B’ but in order to do that I need to do ‘C’ which brings me back to how in the world then can I do ‘A’?!?!

See, Kiki hates online school, but has no desire to go the large public high school. And I hated my large public high school and have no intention of subjecting her to that. Not to mention the whole worldly indoctrination that goes on in our public schools these days. The only  reason we did online this year was so she could have the “proper accreditation” so she could go to a “real school”. (We did a homeschool co-op for 1st – 8th grades). So.

We found  a private, Christian school that we intend on sending her to for – hopefully – the rest of her high school years. They gave us a scholarship of 50% off which is the highest they go, so with that we think we can cover it. Then, we got an unexpected check in the mail that exactly covers the registration fees, so that was cool!

Here’s the problem…  the school is in a tiny town in Outer Slobovia. If we move closer to school, we will be a ridiculously far distance from church (and we don’t just go to church on Sunday – we have small groups and youth group and various other things we like to go to).  Also, in order for us to move out at all, it’s been determined that I need a full time job. Which, A. I hate the thought of. and B. Where? When? How? Do I get a job during school hours, or after school, and how then do I get her to school, and participate in things, and do I work close to home (which will be Where??) or do I work close to her school (right! Middle of nowhere, remember)… It’s like everything has to come together and I don’t know where to start! Okay, we started with the school… but now what?

I know God knows. He can see the big picture where I can’t. But I wish He’d let me in on it, because the stress is sending me over the edge.

Not to mention the stress I am feeling from Kiki’s upcoming birthday… but that’s a post for another day.

Chillin’ on a Sunday

So, we had shawarma again… okay, actually, I had falafel, but Kiki and Alan had shawarma. I kind of thought that if we are going to keep eating at this restaurant, I should branch out a little and try some other menu items.

It was fantastic. Even tho it had pickled beets in it which are not on my list of “foods I love”… it was still really good. But the best part was that right after we sat down, some friends of ours showed up there as well! One of those unique and unusual families that not only do Alan and I love the parents but they have teen girls Kiki’s age who she loves, so it was a totally fun lunch.

The day fell apart after that. We went to the mall, just for kicks, and Kiki tried on pants that were way too small so of course she decided she’s completely fat, then she got her eyebrows … uhm … I forget what you call it … threaded, I think; but anyway they took off too much so of course like I moron I was like “whoa, they nearly made your face bald” so of course she burst into tears – I am just mean like that.

I was looking at the most adorable baby girl in church today. Alan turned to me and said “no, you can’t have one.” He’s the mean one! It made me sad in a way, remembering back on the fun times I had with my little girl, who is growing up so fast… and who is a raging ball of teen-girl hormones that is often quite imcompatible with my peri-menopausal hormones.  Maybe I should be feeling sorry for my husband who has to live with us both!

I was probably cranky to begin with because I think it’s ridiculous that a 15 year old thinks she needs her eyebrows done (she’s not a hairy girl or anything) and I didn’t want to take her to do it but daddy spoils her rotten… sigh

We got home and had a bit of a tiff, she and I. I hate that. We very rarely have those mom-teenager-battles, and they make my tummy hurt. And make me angry. And worried.

I should’ve gone for a walk. I wanted to eat chocolate. (thank goodness we didn’t have any!) I did lay down on my bed for 20 minutes.

Then we watched some TV;  maybe we will go watch something on Netflix…

It’s better now, but I swear having a teenager is probably taking years off my life!

Random thoughts on a lazy Sunday

 Is it weird that I would drive my kid a half-hour across town so she can spend a few hours watching movies with a friend? Do other parents do this? I feel bad that she doesn’t have friends in the neighborhood like I did when I was a kid… she doesn’t really have friends in our town at all. She also has no siblings to play with. So, I drove her 30 minutes to the next town over to spend the evening with a friend (who, fortunately, is slightly older and has a license so she will drive Kiki home after, so I don’t have to make the trip twice.)

I’ve also spent a lot of time recently driving her a half-hour the other direction to participate in a new theater group. Acting is something she loves doing but hasn’t had a lot of opportunity to participate in, so when she actually got a part after auditioning I couldn’t deny her the chance to do it… but, she rehearses 3 days a week in another town so off we go again! I wish my car got better mileage (17mpg on a good day).  On those days, I spend 3 hours hanging out in a coffeehouse reading or on my computer because I don’t want to make the drive twice – so I just wait out there while she’s rehearsing. I wish I had a friend in that town to hang out with; that’d be more fun!

Last night she had a song to sing in a special fundraising event. She was asked rather last minute, didn’t have time to practice much, and didn’t do very well. After her song, we went outside and she sobbed. Poor kid. It’s so hard to be a mom! I didn’t even want to go watch her, because I had a feeling it wasn’t going to go very well. A couple of very nice folks came up while I was comforting her and told her she had done a fine job, and there will never be another first time, so it will get easier. That helped, and I sure appreciated those people’s words.

It’s been unseasonably cold here for Autumn. That’s kind of bumming me out, because Fall is my absolute favorite season but it almost feels like winter out. It also seems like the cold and wind is making the leaves fall faster than normal, so we won’t get to enjoy the colors as long. Supposedly it’s going to warm up a bit this week; that’d be nice.

My poor orange kitty seems to be a bit “off” the last few days… I wish I could afford to take him to the vet, just to make sure he’s okay before it would turn into anything serious. Unfortunately, I probably can’t talk my husband into this unless it turns into something serious. I hate that.

It seems like we will never get out of this financial hole we are in. Everytime things seem to be looking up, something goes wrong. My husband’s work truck had to go into the shop twice in the last couple months, to the tune of about $2,500.00. Ugh. I keep thinking I should get a full-time job, but I so want to keep being a full-time mom! I am starting to look for a job that would either be graveyard shift or super-early mornings, so I wouldn’t really be gone when Kiki is around and awake and needs me. Of course, I don’t know when I’d be able to sleep, then…

I’ve decided I probably need therapy to deal with the anger I feel toward my sister. I am really not sure why I feel like I do, unless it’s maybe a deep-seated issue from our childhood. I mean, yeah, she does stupid stuff sometimes… don’t we all? Shouldn’t I be able to just let it roll off me, that whole “water off a duck” deal?   sigh    I finally  – at a women’s retreat last month – dealt with some other stuff that has been causing me grief all of my life from very early on. I’ve known it was a problem for a loooong time now, but finally feel like I’ve moved on. Which is awesome! but; sad to think of all the years I can’t go back and “fix” from having lived them in the shadow of those events. Oh, well. What’re ya gonna do?

Now, if only I could “fix” the food addiction…. I am so very tired of being fat, and yet I guess not enough to quit eating the stuff I eat. Sometimes I think it would be better to need to give up alcohol or smoking! Something black and white – I mean, you just don’t do it. You can’t really give up eating! So it’s making the right choices I find so hard.

That’s about all I have to say tonight. I am fighting a sore throat, and probably ought to go to bed early, but of course I won’t be able to go until Kiki is safely back home!

I should’ve stayed in bed today (Algebra must die)

I have decided. Officially. Algebra must die.

I never liked algebra. We never got along well. Then, I thought I  had left it behind; conquered it as well as I could.

Now I have a teenager. Who hates algebra. Who does not understand algebra. And whatever it was that I learned about it to get me through with a decent grade all those decades ago has been lost in the blur of “I really no longer give a crap”.  So, I can’t help her. She asks me to help; I look at at the problem, and my brain freezes solid. If there is any math knowledge left in my brain, it’s never getting past that block of ice.

We had a major blowout today. Well, it was bad for us. We don’t argue all that often. But today it was so bad I left the house and went for a drive.

It really depressed me. I am having a hard time getting past it. I don’t think it’s all the math. Or the argument. There is so, so much more about my life that is so incredibly stressful right now…. I think it’s just too much. Or maybe it’s the math.

Kiki and I had a nice long talk later on, and what we determined was this: Most of our arguments start over math.

I hate math.

Avengers, Shawarma, life. It’s Sunday.

Just so no one thinks I’ve died, I am going to post a quick note on here before I crawl back to bed. (Don’t judge my laziness; I have the flu.) I am all alone, which is absolutely lovely in my opinion. It doesn’t happen nearly often enough for me, a gal who desperately needs her “alone” time but lives with an unemployed husband, schooled-at-home teenager (I can’t really call her “homeschooled” now as she’s doing online public school… but she is here, at home, 24-7…) as well as two retired parents.

So you can understand my insanity.

Anyway, our current obsession (ok, it’s my daughter’s obsession but we’ve bought in) is the “Avengers”.  I like to call it the Virile Hunk of Masculine Fury movie (anyone remember where that line came from? I don’t, but I like it!)  I have a raging mad crush on… just about all those hot guys…. oooooh.  Well, if you’ve seen it, you know about the shawarma. And of course, we had to go have some. Since we don’t live in a highly metropolitan area, (understatement!) I wasn’t even sure we’d be able to find it here, so I set Kiki on the task of finding a place that served it. And she did. And it’s awesome. It’s kind of  like a gyro sort of deal, that’s the best way I can describe it. I adore most middle eastern/mediterranean style food (mine came with hummus and warm pita bread; Alan and Kiki went with a side of fries… weirdies.) The folks working there found it pretty funny that we came in because of the Avengers movie… and we haven’t been the first! We told them it’s great advertising for them, because we hadn’t been aware of their little restaurant before but now will definately be back!

We also got a sampler of their baklava – ohmyfreakingosh these folks know how to make it! I could’ve died happy, right then.

I am really glad this flu doesn’t have me hurking, tho…. because it really started to hit right during the meal, and I’d have been totally bummed to have thrown up the shawarma then never have been able to enjoy middle eastern dining again (you know how your brain does that when you get sick right after a particular food, even if it’s totally unrelated to that food, and not, I dunno, food poisoning or such).

But it’s all fine. Even tho my head is throbbing and my body aches and I really really ought to be in bed sleeping it off, I’d actually be quite happy to be downing some shawarma right this minute. Or hummus. Or baklava…… oooh, I really hope Alan and Kiki don’t go out to eat after church and leave me here all sick and hungry….

Going to the Ball! You know, like Cinderella.

Tomorrow night I am going to The Ball. You’d think I’d be more excited.  Maybe it’s because I’m no longer a teenager, or that, being married, I can’t really expect to meet Prince Charming.  ‘Cause, that’d be awkward and all.

Actually, my daughter has been taking a Cotillion class and this Ball is the final event. Dinner and dancing.  Kiki gets to wear a lovely formal gown, new shoes, sparkly jewelry, and beforehand we are going to my sister’s house and she’s going to give her some sort of fancy up-do.  Me, I’m just wearing the one dress I own and a worn out pair of flats. Sigh. One of the crappy parts of being poor… and yet, it doesn’t really matter. Kiki is the one who ought to feel like a princess.  And hopefully she will.

Wait…. whoa! Stop! I’m not ready for this ride!

My daughter has a boyfriend.

Okay, well, she has a boy who really likes her. Who calls her. Texts her.

She likes him back, but I suspect (and she admits) part of the reason she likes him is because he likes her and that feels kinda nice. He’s a classmate, and they’ve been friends for awhile now (she actually prefers the boys in her class because… well, because they aren’t like the girls! Petty, judgmental, fickle… if you’ve ever been or ever known a teenage girl you know what I’m talking about.)  However, he’s not the boy she’s been crushing on for the last year… (who is a church friend; doesn’t go to her school. And who does not seem to like her back…)

But. She’s 14. In the 8th grade. Too soon for a boyfriend.

It’s not like she can date or anything, and we (her, me, her dad) have had extensive talks on protecting her heart, and staying true to her beliefs and well, to be honest, regrets, and how not to have them. Still… she’s 14. I remember how I felt at 14… in fact, in my 8th grade year I was madly in love with a boy, and he with me. We made plans for our senior prom (yes, years away) and how many kids we would have one day – as if we had a clue! But we thought we did… and we did some serious kissing!! I am pretty much telling my daughter “do as I say not as I did”.   Because I know how the other end of it feels… all these years later I am still missing a little piece of my heart.

But, part of me thinks it’s cute, and sweet… so I am really torn on just how to proceed.  Do I monitor her calls? Read her texts? Leave her be?  I trust her, and I know her desire is to do the right thing. On the other hand, she can be a bit of a follower, and the few times she’s been in serious trouble it’s been because she’s allowed a friend to talk her into doing something that she knew darn well ahead of time she was not to do.  So, its a concern.

Oh, how I miss miss miss the days of toddlerhood! Even she said to me the other day “Why can’t I still be 5 years old? Life was so much easier then.”

I hate to admit this, but…. I like The Hunger Games. Books and the movie.

My husband started reading the series as well. Got involved to the point that we didn’t want to wait to get the book from the library (I was about 200-something on the waiting list for book 2) so we ended up buying the boxed set of books.  Yeah. We are that crazy.  I ended up reading the last book in one day – I got so caught up in it – not to mention it’s pretty stressful to read – that I just wanted to be done! I liked books 2 and 3 better than the 1st; not sure if they’re better or if I was just hooked.

Then we went to see the movie. Opening night, midnight premier, of course.  With Kiki and friends all dressed up like characters from the books. Of course.

The movie is exhausting. The way they filmed it really sets the mood. I found it hard to watch, but good. Actually the book series was exhausting as well, in my opinion. Because it’s a really dark story.  But one that needs to be told. All in all, I’m glad I got sucked in.