Do you ever think God isn’t paying attention?

I admit, I feel like this sometimes. Like God is just up there in the clouds, letting the world down here spin out of control while we flounder about in it.

Then something happens that makes me adjust my attitude. Something that reminds me that our God cares about even the little details of our lives, and we need to be paying attention to see what He has going on. Something like what happened to me this week. A silly thing, but pretty cool nonetheless.

Monday night, my family had Chinese take-out. ‘Cause you know I hate cooking. It was yummy. Then I cracked open my fortune cookie, and here is what I see:

My first thought was “Really? REALLY?! I don’t get a fortune, I get told what to do?!” It was a little… irritating. (I guess I wanted it to tell me my ship was coming in next week or something) My husband and daughter laughed at my indignation.

Right on the heels of that thought was the thought of the one friend I knew could really use some flowers. A friend I love, who is going through a really tough time. Just as I was thinking about her, my daughter said “You know who could use some flowers?” and proceeded to mention the same friend.

Which got me thinking that maybe there was something to that silly old fortune cookie.

The next morning I got online to see what florists delivered in the area where my friend works. I called and ordered what I hoped would be a cute little arrangement. A bit later, I texted my friend, just to see how her day was going, as I hadn’t seen her in awhile and wondered how she was getting on. Turns out, that very day was the one year anniversary of – well, of a traumatic event which set off the chain of events which she is struggling through right now. I had known it had happened “last summer sometime”, but had no idea it was that very same day. Guess who knew? God. That’s right. The creator of the very universe knew it was going to be a hard day for my friend to get through, and He thought someone should let her know they – and He – were thinking of her. Loving her. So He spoke to me through a fortune cookie. Who knew?!

When people tell you “God works in mysterious ways” they aren’t just joking.

Flu shots, football, and other foolishness

I don’t get football. I see no reason to watch it. A bunch of grown men running around playing a game that, sure, might be fun for them; but why do I want to watch it? Why would I care? How would it affect my own life? Just. Don’t. Care. My mom and my husband watch it. Whatever. I get sort of a kick out of watching my mom watch it. 🙂

Then there are those flu shots. Flu shots are stupid. Yeah, I said it. I don’t know if Hugh Jackman meant what he said or was kidding but I don’t care. (I mean, he’s adorable, so I don’t care!! Lol. I love the fact he’s married to a gal way older than him who is also kinda wrinkly, and chubby… and he seems to adore her. Yay him!!) But back to the flu shot…. I am not against all vaccinations. We have made some big strides in eradicating some nasty diseases.  However, I think we need to be careful, for one thing – not all vaccines are for all people.

But this stupid flu shot!! They “guess” which flu might be coming for the season and those are the ones they vaccinate against… but there are literally thousands of flu strains, and quite often they get it wrong. Nobody in my house got the flu shot. 3 out of 5 of us got the flu. Sound bad? Yeah. But 2 of those had one sort of flu and 1 had another. And I was stuck with all of them, and I didn’t get it at all.  Just in my mom’s circle of friends, 3 people she knows who got the flu shot got the flu.  So that was a biiiig help. The doctor even admitted to one of these people that they chose the wrong flu to vaccinate against.  Yeah. You’ve heard of “practicing medicine”, right?? Yeah. A “Doctor’s Practice“? Ummhmmm.

Here is my theory – the Big Pharmaceuticals are also the Board of Directors at all the med schools. They hire all the teachers. They teach “what medicine to prescribe” rather than “how to uncover what’s really wrong and how to treat for it”. Do I sound like a conspiracy theorist? Maybe.

Other foolishness? Just… my life. I am so tired of being – sad. So. Tired. And I see absolutely no end to it. The stuff that bothers me? It will never be any different. I mean, not the big stuff. Some things may get better, sure. But the core issues? I don’t think anything can be done.

So sad.

 

Stuff that just ain’t right

Finding items from your own childhood – in an antique store.

I need an identity… or, for others at least to see the one I’ve got.

I feel like I’ve lost my identity. And not because someone stole my credit cards or something.

One of the hardest parts of not having my own home is that no one knows my “style”.  That sounds sort of weird, I suppose, but it’s true.  I realized the other day that of the people who are my friends now, not one of them knew me when I owned my own home… they have all become friends since we moved back here to Idaho, and we’ve lived with my parents the whole time so far.  (I suppose that also says something about my lack of friends, but that’s another story for another time)  So, you know, people use to come to my house and say “oh, you are into horses” because of the pictures and statues and stuff; or “gosh, I love your purple couches” or the antiques or oddities, or the way I’d painted my walls, whatever. It said something about who I was, in a way.

None of these people knew me before I was fat, either. All I ever wear these days is jeans and shirts, flipflops in summer, tennies in winter… a skirt on rare occasion. I don’t hate fashion;  I hate how I look and just can’t abide spending money on things I will look crappy in anyhow.  So there is nothing that says “this is the sort of flair I have”.

Also, no one really gets that I am passionate about horses. I haven’t owned any in, well, over 10 years, so that seems like a part of my life that is so far gone that no one even knows it used to be the biggest part of my life. I don’t even do any horse-related stuff, like go watch shows or go to the big Horse Affair they have here each year like I used to; it’s just too depressing to be so far removed from that life that I try not to think about it at all.

No one really knows me, I guess that’s what I am saying. And I am beginning to wonder if I truly know myself anymore. Who am I? Certainly not who I used to be… I don’t think… and I’m not really sure how to find out.

The dark before the dawn… I hope

Yeah, I am trying to be hopeful. Because it only seems to get darker and darker, and that’s not just because of the massive forest fires going on around here.  (On a side note, it’s beginning to look like Los Angeles around here, the skies are so grey and murky… it’s gross.)  even though just a week ago I thought things were looking up.

 A little over a week ago, it looked like we’d finally be able to move into a place of our own… it was pretty much a matter of would we qualify to buy a house or have to rent. Also, short of something bad happening, like the car breaking down, our much-anticipated trip to Disneyland was finally, finally going to happen, in September.  Little did I suspect the ‘something bad” that was lurking around the corner.

My husband got himself fired.

Sure, his job was crappy, he complained daily, and it paid 1/3 of what he used to make. It -almost- paid the bills.  My little part-time job paid for extras (even if “extras” shouldn’t really mean underwear, but, still…). I was looking for a better job so we could move out. Now I need a better job just so we don’t go back into the hole we have been trying so hard to climb out of.

His job was supposed to just be a means-to-an-end. It was just supposed to keep paying the bills while we got the business up and running. But he is so… aarrgh!!  I don’t even know what. Proud? Stupid? He worked at a call center, and it’s all about your “stats”, all about the numbers you post. I don’t really claim to fully understand because he had started talking “work-ese” and alot of it didn’t make sense, but what I do understand is that he started doing really well… like best in the center, top 10 out of several hundred… qualified for the “big banquet” and possibly the “big getaway”… and somehow, instead of him just being content that he was doing well and would be able to keep working there until the business could support us, it somehow became all about him being the best; about not slipping out of that number one spot… and he didn’t follow policy, didn’t do something he was supposed to do, because it would cost him precious seconds and maybe his stats would suffer… basically, he “cheated” to stay on top. And he got caught. And he got fired.

To me, it feels like another slap in the face from a man who was supposed to take care of me. He couldn’t just be content to be doing well.  He had his pride to think of, that even tho he had a crappy job he was the best at it. It’s really a question of integrity, and he’s not the man I thought he was. He has screwed up – alot – over the course of our marriage.  I thought he’d learned something.  Grown up. Figured it out. Through it all, he was at least a good provider. I could stay home, raise our daughter. Homeschool her. Have a decent place to live. Now I will have to get a full time job, leave our daughter just as she enters high school, a potentially rough time for her.

I am pissed off, hurt, shocked. Disneyland is off, of course. Our daughter will have to continue living in a bedroom which is really her bed crammed into a room full of furniture that isn’t hers; not even usable to her (bookcases full of old books, a grandfather clock, an antique table… ) She’s a teen and she can’t decorate her own space. She will soon be too old to want to go to Disneyland with us…

I am trying to figure out what benefit I get from being married. He isn’t even nice to me. And now he is mopey and grumpy and feels totally sorry for himself. Instead of trying harder he just slumps away.

I feel like God just doesn’t care. I know He loves me, but I don’t understand why that doesn’t mean some help. I love my kid and would change her life if I could. But He doesn’t, and I don’t get that. Do I have to keep suffering because of my husband’s stupid, selfish choices? Is this my fate?

I am so tired of my life.

“At least it’s a ‘dry heat'”

Today’s official high temperature – well in the United States, anyway – was 108 degrees, in Boise, Idaho. Yeah… right where I live.  Well, okay, technically, I live in one of the outlying towns… but, still. It was toastin’ hot here today.

The weird thing is, it didn’t seem horribly hot to me. Hot, yeah, of course, but not like ‘walking into a furnace’ hot, and you’d think it would have felt like that.

I think there is something strange going on… with me. See, I was born and raised in the West – Southern California. Then since getting married, we have also lived in some other western states – Idaho, Utah, Washington… and then Virginia. The West can be hot… obviously. But it’s dry. Well, okay, the Seattle area isn’t exactly what you’d call dry, but what I mean to say is, it’s not humid. Not in the least. Most of my life, when I’d complain about the weather and how hot it was, someone would say “well, at least it’s a dry heat” and I’d think “what the crap does that mean?” because let’s face it, hot is hot, right? Well, no. Wrong.

We lived in Virginia about a year and a half, over two summers. Geez, you talk about HOT!!  And guess what? It’s not the temperature that kills you, it’s the humidity. I don’t understand why anyone would live back east on purpose. Humidity is just… gross. It’s like I couldn’t even breathe back there when it was hot… like I was wrapped up in a hot, wet, woolen blanket.  urrgggh. 

So we’re back in Idaho, and even though it’s been over 100 degrees every day this week, and just plain crazy hot today… it felt…. good. A nice hot. Just a “dry heat”, lol. I guess you have to experience the “wet heat” to understand what that means.

I know why America has an obesity epidemic (Hint: It’s not from 24oz sodas)

I’ve been watching the news lately, far more often than I’d like due to my current living situation. This business about the – is it the mayor of New York? – (okay, obviously I watch the news without really paying attention!) anyway, the guy who wants to outlaw big sodas. Because that is going to make everyone suddenly thinner. Right.

Haven’t they  …”they” … been trying this? No more happy meals… no toys, anyway. Put nutritional info in the fast food stores.  Outlaw ‘supersizing’…. blah blah blah. And we are just getting fatter.

On the surface, sure, we are fat because we eat too much. It’s simple science… if you consume more calories than you burn, you get fat. Duh. Also, our processed foods, with all the chemicals and crap in them, are far worse than the “bad” foods our parents or our grandparents could chow down on if they were the sort to overeat.  But come on!! Do you really think that if you take away our soda we’ll get thinner??  As if I can’t buy soda at the grocery store and chug it down? I can honestly say, as an obese person, NONE of my weight is from sugary sodas. None. I don’t ever drink any soda but diet, and that only occasionally. So what’s my problem, huh? You are going to have to outlaw Ben and Jerrys, and cookies (homemade, so I guess you have to outlaw baking.)  Besides, how long have these items been in existance, and how long have we been so fat? Do you really think the problem is the food??  Geez. 

Maybe the problem is WHY we are eating so much. Why is a small soda, or one cookie, or a small serving of ice cream not enough? Think about that for awhile. Do you know? Do ya?

Okay, I will tell you what I think. (and as an obese person, with heavy friends, I think I’m qualified to tell you) We are freakin’ depressed. We are a nation of unhappy, unfulfilled humans, and we are cramming ourselves full of anything, anything, to try to get some satisfaction. Don’t believe me? Why do you think that even in this crappy economy, when so many of us are unemployed or underemployed that spending hasn’t gone down? Because some of you – instead of overeating – are satiating your needs with the junk you buy instead of the junk you eat. You know who you are – you look better on the outside than I do, but you are as unhappy and empty as I am. But maybe your shelves and your closets are fat.  Why do you think more poor people are fat than the wealthier folks? Because we can’t afford to buy nice stuff, or to try to make ourselves happy by a lovely dinner in a nice restaurant… so we ‘fill our needs’ with junk food. Because even tho I have very little money, I usually have enough for a candy bar.

Think about it. The farther our society gets from God… from living the right way … for Him, f0r other people, for our families, for our spouses and our children, from having people treat us right because we are unselfish and place others first…. I mean, when my husband is a jerk, I head for the pantry. When I feel like I have no friends, I always have the food.  On and on it goes.  Have you ever found yourself shopping for housewares when your home is full to the brim?  Or buying a new outfit when you have brand-new items in your closet that you will probably never wear? How many purses do you own? How many cats do you have??

We are looking for fulfillment. We are looking for relationship, for acceptance, for love. When we don’t find it in the right place, we try to find it in the wrong places… sex, drugs, stuff, food. Until we figure out how to get ourselves on track, to love ourselves for who we are without needing the acceptance of the other humans around us, until we ask the Lord to fill us up, to be our sufficiency, our fulfillment, we are going to be fat. No matter how much soda the government takes away.

How do you find yourself, once you become really, truly lost?

This mire which is my so-called life has become murkier and deeper as of late. It feels as mucky as the early spring mud which sucked my boots right off my feet when I’d head out to the barn to feed the horses. (Not much is grosser than stepping ankle deep into slimy mud clad only in stockinged feet…) I feel trapped with no obvious way out. Don’t know which direction to head. How to even start.

Maybe some of this has to do with the fact that we have now been living with my parents for over a year and a half. It was supposed to be for about 6 months, maybe less. Worse, I see no immediate end to the situation. No way out. I need a full-time job, and how do you do that and homeschool your kid? Also, how do you get a decent full-time job when you haven’t really worked since your child was born, almost 15 years ago? Not to mention all the taxi-service I do for her…

Then there is my weight. Other than feeling bad about it, I am doing nothing at all. It is my addiction, to dull the pain. It hurts in the long run, but don’t all addictions work that way?

Then there is my child’s education. This past year at our co-op has worn me out. I don’t want to do it any longer. I don’t feel qualified to homeschool her completely on my own (we all know how that went over in Virginia) and I want her to at least somewhat enjoy her high school years, unlike me.

Oh, and my sister.  Ugh with the vegan-ism and the adorable outfits and the “ooh guess what we are getting a trip to Cancun this year” and oh-dear-lord what I wouldn’t give to have my little sister back so we could gripe about it together! No one else truly understands how much I can love my older sister yet hate her at that same time.

My husband is no help at all. He’s not doing anything bad, just so wrapped up in his own issues that I can’t get him to spend a moment at least trying to give me some help on mine.

I finally get why moms run away from home. Honestly, it’s all I can do some days not to just toss some stuff in a bag, hop in my car, and start driving. To – anywhere. If I had more than two nickels to rub together I’d probably go. Chances are pretty good that I’d eventually return… but maybe with my head on a little bit straighter.

I hate to admit this, but…. I like The Hunger Games. Books and the movie.

My husband started reading the series as well. Got involved to the point that we didn’t want to wait to get the book from the library (I was about 200-something on the waiting list for book 2) so we ended up buying the boxed set of books.  Yeah. We are that crazy.  I ended up reading the last book in one day – I got so caught up in it – not to mention it’s pretty stressful to read – that I just wanted to be done! I liked books 2 and 3 better than the 1st; not sure if they’re better or if I was just hooked.

Then we went to see the movie. Opening night, midnight premier, of course.  With Kiki and friends all dressed up like characters from the books. Of course.

The movie is exhausting. The way they filmed it really sets the mood. I found it hard to watch, but good. Actually the book series was exhausting as well, in my opinion. Because it’s a really dark story.  But one that needs to be told. All in all, I’m glad I got sucked in.

Trying to re-read “The Hunger Games”. Still not loving it.

The movie premier is next week (well, here in Idaho at least) and of course we already have our tickets (you know, ’cause it’s my daughter’s current obsession) so I thought maybe I would re-read the book. To see if I like it any better. After all, we watched the L.A. premier deal last night – that is, the actors showing up and getting interviewed (remember – obsession – ) and so many people went on and on about what a fabulous writer Suzanne Collins is… and I thought maybe I didn’t give the book a fair shake the first time around since I just am not thrilled with the whole premise of the story.

 Nope. So far I am pretty sure I was correct the first time around. Not that it’s not an interesting story…it is. I can see why teenagers like it (especially girls, since the heroine is a girl, and there is a romantic storyline in it) It’s just poorly written as far as I am concerned. Technically speaking, that is.  But I guess that doesn’t matter?

I am going to try to finish reading it before we go see the movie. Maybe. We’ll see.