Category Archives: Mental & Physical Health (or the lack thereof)

Rambling thoughts on a Sunday

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Funny how seldom I post anymore. I used to be so regular about it. My heart just isn’t in it any longer. I think it’s because I find myself so down in the dumps that I realized I mainly blog in a whiney, poor-pitiful-me sort of way. And I hate that. My sister is a big whiner. And she really isn’t that bad off, but you’d think she was. It irritates that heck out of me, and I find myself doing it here all the time. Ugh.

Part of it, to be fair to me, lol, is that I haven’t got anyone else to complain to. I don’t really have friends (I have problems with that, but that’s a blog for another day) and I can’t complain to my sister (she won’t just listen and sympathize, she either tries to tell you why you don’t have it so bad or why she is at least as bad off as you if not worse) I won’t complain to my daughter (because that would just make her feel bad, and none of it is her fault) and I can’t complain to my husband (most of it IS his fault, but he feels bad enough already, and it would just make him crankier). I guess what I need is a therapist! Or some friends. My younger sister was the best – she would sympathize, let me get it all out, then do something crazy to make me laugh and I’d feel better… but since she left us all for the much, much greener pastures of Heaven, it kinda sucks.

I’m totally feeling sorry for myself because after nearly 16 years of being a stay-at-home-mom (which I LOVED by the way) I had to go back to work full-time. I hate it. Not only is the job pretty annoying and crappy, but I don’t get to do all the stuff at home I have always enjoyed doing… taking my daughter to this and that lesson or rehearsal, doing school with her – we homeschooled, remember – crafting or even just the housework. I was never a career-minded kind of gal, and I certainly don’t want to start now.

And my husband. I think he’s even more depressed than I am, so he does… pretty much nothing. His business will never take off if he doesn’t work it, and he doesn’t. And he has all the time in the world since he got himself fired from his last piddly job. It’s hard, because with all the other crap I had issues with him over, the one thing I could always fall back on was “at least he’s a good provider”.  Now I got nothing. Okay, that’s not entirely true… he is still a pretty good dad. Except for the grumpiness. But still pretty good in that respect.

Well, there I am again… whining. But this blog is my substitute friend/therapist, so I have to get it out someplace. Guess no one has to read it!

 

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The secret lives of people you thought you knew

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shadowy

Do you know your friends? Really?

I thought I did. Maybe it’s because I am pretty much an open book. What you see is what you get and all that. Not that I air every piece of dirty laundry I have, or, upon meeting a new person blurt out every dark and dirty event I have ever been through, but if I have been around you for any amount of time, you’d have a pretty good idea about who I am. What I’m like.

So you can imagine my utter astonishment when the husband of one of the couples in my home group (which is a small group of people from my church who meet together once a week to study the Bible and build a deeper connection with than you might find when you go to a church like mine that has over 1500 members) anyhow – we got a call that he was in jail because he battered his wife. His wife being a woman I thought I knew pretty well. Someone I considered my friend. Shoot, I thought I knew him pretty well… he put on a really good front. And I’m pissed.

So, why am I so pissed off? Maybe it’s because I feel like I was lied to. I mean, our group has met every week for a couple of years. We have asked each other to pray for issues we’re having, opened up about hard stuff in our lives… well – some of us have. Obviously not everyone.

See, we’ve been through a lot with this family. Our kids hang out together. In fact these kids always acted like they were this happy little family when the truth is they have been hurt by and upset and disappointed with their dad pretty much their entire lives… at this point they say they never want to speak with him again, they are so tired of his manipulation and lies and hurt.

The husband has had lots of serious health issues, and we prayed and we took them meals and we kept their girls when they had to travel to hospitals out of state and our husbands drove this guy to the doctor visits out of state when the mom needed to be home with her children for special events… and never, ever, did it come up that this man was an abusive addict. We knew he had once had addiction issues… and were led to believe this was the past; dealt with. He was even a leader in our church’s addiction recovery program! Sheesh. Then he went nutso one more time and she’d finally had enough. The attack was witnessed by their kids, by two pastors who came by because one of the girls got really scared and called her youth pastor, and the arresting officers. So even though this man has denied the event (!) we all know what happened.

I don’t blame my friend for leaving her husband, even tho they’ve been married over 20 years. I don’t know why she didn’t leave him earlier, except she is this sweet Christian woman who I know was trying to do the best by her kids and I am sure in her dysfunctional way she thought if she hung in there and prayed enough she could rescue this man. I get that. What I don’t get is in all the time we’ve been friends that she never felt like she could have, at the very least, said “hey, we’re having some problems in our marriage – could  you pray for us?”  I mean, maybe she didn’t want to drag her husband through the mud, or maybe she was embarrassed about – whatever parts of it – but we other gals sure asked for help and prayers about a whole bunch of crap… so it kinda makes me mad, I guess. Hurts my feelings maybe. Like she didn’t feel I was a trustworthy friend.  I love this woman, I really do. She’s one of my best friends. I am sorry she is hurting right now.

I am also pissed that I was so misled by this man. I mean, he presented himself as this quiet, softspoken, very very wise man of God. He knew all the Scripture, had the right answers… When in fact he’s a crazy addict. And I seriously mean crazy. Some of the stuff he has said and done since the arrest and subsequent no-contact order, separation and divorce has been absolutely bat-poop-insanity. For reals.

I am not judging these people. We all mess up. We are all crazy, sin-filled people. I have had probably more than my fair share of stupidity and screw-ups.  But, I don’t know. It just makes me mad. Why do we get together as a small group of Christian friends to support one another if we aren’t going to be honest with one another? Why don’t we just play Poker then?

Which all just makes me wonder… do I really know any of the people I think I know? How many of my friends are hiding some dark secret that they think I am not able to be trusted with? Do they think I’m hiding something? Do you? Are you?

Trusting God with your kids… and other stuff that’s hard. Like loving pets.

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managua-nicaraguaMy daughter, who is not quite 16 years old, is in Nicaragua this week on a mission trip with her youth group. On the one hand I am totally excited for her; she is going to have a whole new outlook on life when she gets back. I am so proud of her for being brave, being open to what the Lord wants her to do in her life, for simply being willing. On the other hand, it’s kind of… well, it’s not freaking me out; I know God can take care of her better than I can. Even when she talks about the gross stuff that splashed on her while they were cleaning trash in the park, or while crossing the mega-polluted lake – Oh, Lord, protect this child!! I just… really miss her! It’s lonely and quiet here. Okay, the quiet part is kind of nice! We have been able to video chat with her a couple of the nights, so that was fantastic – to touch base, hear how her day went… it’s only been 5 days, and she has 5 days to go… it seems like it’s been a month! It’s cool, though. Especially cool to see how she is beginning to understand the world from a different perspective. As in, she doesn’t really have it as bad as she sometimes thinks!

Seriously, the hardest part has been yesterday morning. We were up getting ready to head out to the Farmer’s Market downtown, when my mom called to me that our dog had hurt her leg. Yup, I am pretty sure it’s serious.. in fact, I think she tore her other CCL… which can only be repaired surgically – and last time that cost us $1,500. Which:  A)we can’t afford and  B)now that she’s 12 and has lots of hip and joint issues I don’t think she can support herself on 3 legs anymore. It takes several weeks of that, for rehab… I don’t know that she’s got it in her.

So that totally stinks because she’s Kiki’s dog. Kiki specifically said when she left “No body and no animals can get sick or die while I’m gone.” Of course I told her there was no way I could guarantee that sort of deal; I don’t make promises I don’t have the total ability to keep… but to be honest I sure didn’t think anything would happen while she was gone! And you have to wonder – at least, I have to wonder – why now? why this week? Seriously?? Because we will take the dog to see our regular vet this week (the one we saw Saturday wasn’t sure, didn’t find anything conclusive) but no matter what, we can’t make “the decision” – if it has to be made – until our daughter gets home. And I don’t know how the dog will hold up… she can’t get up without assistance, although she can hobble about once she’s up… but pottying… well, she’s done one thing, but not the other, and I don’t know how she can when she can’t…well, she can’t squat, if you know what I mean. Sigh.

This is the hard part about loving animals, isn’t it? I guess it’s the hard part about loving any living thing. Because none of us lives forever. Not on this world anyway. Today I am feeling sad and worn and not all that thrilled about this life. I’m trying to remember that God has a plan even when it makes no sense. I’ve been there before, and lived through it.. not without pain or grief, however. Looking forward to the end of this week when my daughter will be home so I can hug on her, because that always makes me feel so much better. I suppose I also need to start thinking about, I don’t know, a hobby or pursuit or something, as this trip is only a tiny precursor to the fact that she will one day soon move away for, well, at least an extended amount of time, if not permanently. She only has 3 years of high school left, after all. Of course, I want her to move on – to college, Bible school, marriage… whatever life has in store for her! It is how it should be, no matter how desperately I will miss her. So I better figure out something interesting with which to fill my days, huh? Not sure how many pets I want….

On a sugar fast…. and I miss my mochas!

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big city mocha

My daughter talked me into going on a “sugar fast” with her. We decided on one month, no “added” or “obvious” sugar… that is, we are still eating fruits, and things like regular bread that turn into sugar quickly in your body; just nothing that is blatant sugar, like cookies and ice cream. Which pretty much eliminates most of my favorite foods. My favorite breakfast isn’t eggs and bacon, it’s a scone or a muffin… and I’d rather have a frozen yogurt than a sandwich for lunch. So it’s been… different, to say the least. In some ways it hasn’t been as hard as I’d thought. But I’m running out of ideas for making breakfast (cold cereal is out as most of it, even plain old Chex, has added sugar) no pancakes, no French toast, and that’s what I normally make. Even my corn meal mush is out, as we serve it with butter and sugar. I’m getting kind of sick of eggs, but it’s the 20th, so I can do this!

I’ve pretty much eliminated snacks and desserts, and since that’s my weakness, you’d think I’d have lost some weight… right? Right?! Nope. Not a pound. 20 days of no sugar and nothing. Okay, to be totally honest, it’s 19 days – I  took a day off for Mother’s Day! Still. I think I must have the crappiest metabolism ever. I don’t eat that much! Honest! Why can’t I lose weight?? On the plus side, however, is the fact that my legs are feeling less sore than they have been.. eliminating that whole sugar-causes-inflammation business, I guess. So that’s good.

But by far, the thing I have missed the most is mochas. I really really REALLY want one. Now. This very moment!!

…..sigh…..

Sheesh.

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How is it I never get on this spot any more? I’m not exactly overwhelmed with busy-ness. Just sort of… overwhelmed with life. Good stuff has happened… nothing horrible has happened… but, still. I can’t seem to crawl out from under this heavy, wet blanket of – well, not quite depression, but close. I will come back to talk more later, but now it’s time for me to head off to work. But I had a brief moment, so thought I’d drop by for a quick visit.

Flu shots, football, and other foolishness

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I don’t get football. I see no reason to watch it. A bunch of grown men running around playing a game that, sure, might be fun for them; but why do I want to watch it? Why would I care? How would it affect my own life? Just. Don’t. Care. My mom and my husband watch it. Whatever. I get sort of a kick out of watching my mom watch it. 🙂

Then there are those flu shots. Flu shots are stupid. Yeah, I said it. I don’t know if Hugh Jackman meant what he said or was kidding but I don’t care. (I mean, he’s adorable, so I don’t care!! Lol. I love the fact he’s married to a gal way older than him who is also kinda wrinkly, and chubby… and he seems to adore her. Yay him!!) But back to the flu shot…. I am not against all vaccinations. We have made some big strides in eradicating some nasty diseases.  However, I think we need to be careful, for one thing – not all vaccines are for all people.

But this stupid flu shot!! They “guess” which flu might be coming for the season and those are the ones they vaccinate against… but there are literally thousands of flu strains, and quite often they get it wrong. Nobody in my house got the flu shot. 3 out of 5 of us got the flu. Sound bad? Yeah. But 2 of those had one sort of flu and 1 had another. And I was stuck with all of them, and I didn’t get it at all.  Just in my mom’s circle of friends, 3 people she knows who got the flu shot got the flu.  So that was a biiiig help. The doctor even admitted to one of these people that they chose the wrong flu to vaccinate against.  Yeah. You’ve heard of “practicing medicine”, right?? Yeah. A “Doctor’s Practice“? Ummhmmm.

Here is my theory – the Big Pharmaceuticals are also the Board of Directors at all the med schools. They hire all the teachers. They teach “what medicine to prescribe” rather than “how to uncover what’s really wrong and how to treat for it”. Do I sound like a conspiracy theorist? Maybe.

Other foolishness? Just… my life. I am so tired of being – sad. So. Tired. And I see absolutely no end to it. The stuff that bothers me? It will never be any different. I mean, not the big stuff. Some things may get better, sure. But the core issues? I don’t think anything can be done.

So sad.