Rambling thoughts on a Sunday

Funny how seldom I post anymore. I used to be so regular about it. My heart just isn’t in it any longer. I think it’s because I find myself so down in the dumps that I realized I mainly blog in a whiney, poor-pitiful-me sort of way. And I hate that. My sister is a big whiner. And she really isn’t that bad off, but you’d think she was. It irritates that heck out of me, and I find myself doing it here all the time. Ugh.

Part of it, to be fair to me, lol, is that I haven’t got anyone else to complain to. I don’t really have friends (I have problems with that, but that’s a blog for another day) and I can’t complain to my sister (she won’t just listen and sympathize, she either tries to tell you why you don’t have it so bad or why she is at least as bad off as you if not worse) I won’t complain to my daughter (because that would just make her feel bad, and none of it is her fault) and I can’t complain to my husband (most of it IS his fault, but he feels bad enough already, and it would just make him crankier). I guess what I need is a therapist! Or some friends. My younger sister was the best – she would sympathize, let me get it all out, then do something crazy to make me laugh and I’d feel better… but since she left us all for the much, much greener pastures of Heaven, it kinda sucks.

I’m totally feeling sorry for myself because after nearly 16 years of being a stay-at-home-mom (which I LOVED by the way) I had to go back to work full-time. I hate it. Not only is the job pretty annoying and crappy, but I don’t get to do all the stuff at home I have always enjoyed doing… taking my daughter to this and that lesson or rehearsal, doing school with her – we homeschooled, remember – crafting or even just the housework. I was never a career-minded kind of gal, and I certainly don’t want to start now.

And my husband. I think he’s even more depressed than I am, so he does… pretty much nothing. His business will never take off if he doesn’t work it, and he doesn’t. And he has all the time in the world since he got himself fired from his last piddly job. It’s hard, because with all the other crap I had issues with him over, the one thing I could always fall back on was “at least he’s a good provider”.  Now I got nothing. Okay, that’s not entirely true… he is still a pretty good dad. Except for the grumpiness. But still pretty good in that respect.

Well, there I am again… whining. But this blog is my substitute friend/therapist, so I have to get it out someplace. Guess no one has to read it!

 

The secret lives of people you thought you knew

Do you know your friends? Really?

I thought I did. Maybe it’s because I am pretty much an open book. What you see is what you get and all that. Not that I air every piece of dirty laundry I have, or, upon meeting a new person blurt out every dark and dirty event I have ever been through, but if I have been around you for any amount of time, you’d have a pretty good idea about who I am. What I’m like.

So you can imagine my utter astonishment when the husband of one of the couples in my home group (which is a small group of people from my church who meet together once a week to study the Bible and build a deeper connection with than you might find when you go to a church like mine that has over 1500 members) anyhow – we got a call that he was in jail because he battered his wife. His wife being a woman I thought I knew pretty well. Someone I considered my friend. Shoot, I thought I knew him pretty well… he put on a really good front. And I’m pissed.

So, why am I so pissed off? Maybe it’s because I feel like I was lied to. I mean, our group has met every week for a couple of years. We have asked each other to pray for issues we’re having, opened up about hard stuff in our lives… well – some of us have. Obviously not everyone.

See, we’ve been through a lot with this family. Our kids hang out together. In fact these kids always acted like they were this happy little family when the truth is they have been hurt by and upset and disappointed with their dad pretty much their entire lives… at this point they say they never want to speak with him again, they are so tired of his manipulation and lies and hurt.

The husband has had lots of serious health issues, and we prayed and we took them meals and we kept their girls when they had to travel to hospitals out of state and our husbands drove this guy to the doctor visits out of state when the mom needed to be home with her children for special events… and never, ever, did it come up that this man was an abusive addict. We knew he had once had addiction issues… and were led to believe this was the past; dealt with. He was even a leader in our church’s addiction recovery program! Sheesh. Then he went nutso one more time and she’d finally had enough. The attack was witnessed by their kids, by two pastors who came by because one of the girls got really scared and called her youth pastor, and the arresting officers. So even though this man has denied the event (!) we all know what happened.

I don’t blame my friend for leaving her husband, even tho they’ve been married over 20 years. I don’t know why she didn’t leave him earlier, except she is this sweet Christian woman who I know was trying to do the best by her kids and I am sure in her dysfunctional way she thought if she hung in there and prayed enough she could rescue this man. I get that. What I don’t get is in all the time we’ve been friends that she never felt like she could have, at the very least, said “hey, we’re having some problems in our marriage – could  you pray for us?”  I mean, maybe she didn’t want to drag her husband through the mud, or maybe she was embarrassed about – whatever parts of it – but we other gals sure asked for help and prayers about a whole bunch of crap… so it kinda makes me mad, I guess. Hurts my feelings maybe. Like she didn’t feel I was a trustworthy friend.  I love this woman, I really do. She’s one of my best friends. I am sorry she is hurting right now.

I am also pissed that I was so misled by this man. I mean, he presented himself as this quiet, softspoken, very very wise man of God. He knew all the Scripture, had the right answers… When in fact he’s a crazy addict. And I seriously mean crazy. Some of the stuff he has said and done since the arrest and subsequent no-contact order, separation and divorce has been absolutely bat-poop-insanity. For reals.

I am not judging these people. We all mess up. We are all crazy, sin-filled people. I have had probably more than my fair share of stupidity and screw-ups.  But, I don’t know. It just makes me mad. Why do we get together as a small group of Christian friends to support one another if we aren’t going to be honest with one another? Why don’t we just play Poker then?

Which all just makes me wonder… do I really know any of the people I think I know? How many of my friends are hiding some dark secret that they think I am not able to be trusted with? Do they think I’m hiding something? Do you? Are you?

Flu shots, football, and other foolishness

I don’t get football. I see no reason to watch it. A bunch of grown men running around playing a game that, sure, might be fun for them; but why do I want to watch it? Why would I care? How would it affect my own life? Just. Don’t. Care. My mom and my husband watch it. Whatever. I get sort of a kick out of watching my mom watch it. 🙂

Then there are those flu shots. Flu shots are stupid. Yeah, I said it. I don’t know if Hugh Jackman meant what he said or was kidding but I don’t care. (I mean, he’s adorable, so I don’t care!! Lol. I love the fact he’s married to a gal way older than him who is also kinda wrinkly, and chubby… and he seems to adore her. Yay him!!) But back to the flu shot…. I am not against all vaccinations. We have made some big strides in eradicating some nasty diseases.  However, I think we need to be careful, for one thing – not all vaccines are for all people.

But this stupid flu shot!! They “guess” which flu might be coming for the season and those are the ones they vaccinate against… but there are literally thousands of flu strains, and quite often they get it wrong. Nobody in my house got the flu shot. 3 out of 5 of us got the flu. Sound bad? Yeah. But 2 of those had one sort of flu and 1 had another. And I was stuck with all of them, and I didn’t get it at all.  Just in my mom’s circle of friends, 3 people she knows who got the flu shot got the flu.  So that was a biiiig help. The doctor even admitted to one of these people that they chose the wrong flu to vaccinate against.  Yeah. You’ve heard of “practicing medicine”, right?? Yeah. A “Doctor’s Practice“? Ummhmmm.

Here is my theory – the Big Pharmaceuticals are also the Board of Directors at all the med schools. They hire all the teachers. They teach “what medicine to prescribe” rather than “how to uncover what’s really wrong and how to treat for it”. Do I sound like a conspiracy theorist? Maybe.

Other foolishness? Just… my life. I am so tired of being – sad. So. Tired. And I see absolutely no end to it. The stuff that bothers me? It will never be any different. I mean, not the big stuff. Some things may get better, sure. But the core issues? I don’t think anything can be done.

So sad.

 

This calls for mexican hot chocolate ~ with marshmallows ~ (laced with alcohol!)

I had a super busy morning at work, where not only were we having a big sale but my boss – once again – came up with a 5 minute spiel she wanted me to go through each time I rung up a customer (Really? I have a giant line-up and you wish me to detain each and every customer?? That wouldn’t annoy them…!) But that’s not the real issue… the thing is, it’s 14 degrees out, and I can’t seem to get warm, even though I’ve been sitting in the house for over 2 hours now! Alan agreed that it’s too cold, but he denied my request to go out for Chai Lattes… said he’d have to get even colder to get there, so that wouldn’t help…lol. I said I could make coffee or some tea – he said “how about hot chocolate?” Then I got to thinking… I have a bottle of Carolans Honey Irish Cream in the fridge!

Now, I am not a big drinker. Shoot, I am not much of a drinker of any sort! Maybe an ice cold beer in summer when it’s blazing hot and I just mowed the lawn. Once every couple years, if we go out somewhere nice on our anniversary, I will splurge in an Amaretto Sour. oooooohhhh… but I digress… the point is, it sounded yummy, and it sounded warm.

Milk, mexican chocolate, Irish Cream, marshmallows…. I am positively glowing with warmth!! 

Did you have a Merry Christmas?

I can’t believe it’s over. It’s like you wait forever – like, an entire year!!  😉 – for Christmas to come, then zoooom… it has come and gone just that quick.

This year was worse than most, because the flu hit my family with a vengence this year. Kiki and both my parents were sick for a full week leading up to Christmas, so not only did we not get to do most of the “getting in the Holiday Spirit” things we do each year, but since I was the only one well I had to do all the cooking and cleaning and what-not, so it was just not my favorite time. Also I think I was fighting the flu myself, so I spent alot of time feeling woozy and nauseated, albeit never actually sick. Alan came down with the flu on Christmas Eve, so he was pretty out of it today as well.

I also didn’t bake hardly anthing this year. I always make frosted sugar cookies, fudge, coconut balls, pecan tarts, and a few other things. This year between feeling rather icky and being overwhelmed with chores and nursing the sick I just had no desire to bake… maybe because I had no real desire to eat, either. But I wish I had some now!

On top of all that, my sister’s side of the family decided they didn’t want to risk getting sick so they opted out of coming over for our traditional Christmas Eve dinner because our house was “too germy”.  I am almost wicked enough to hope they all get the flu anyway – almost, but not quite. It’s a pretty nasty flu.

All that being said, I still had a good Christmas. I love Christmas. I go completely overboard trying to make it an awesome time for my daughter, and once again I did not fail in that! She was thrilled with every gift she got, even tho I found a good bit of it on Craigslist and at the local thrift stores. I did great at thrift shopping this year! I don’t normally do that, but since we are sooo very broke, it seemed like a good idea – and it worked out well.

Of course we try to focus on the true meaning of Christmas – the birth of Christ. I feel like I was a little slack on that this year…

I am sure I try a little too hard to get all the “right” gifts for my daughter, which I am sure goes back to my own childhood (and, well, into my adulthood) in which my parents never really got me what I asked for. I mean, they asked us to make a “wish list”, and then never got me any of the things on it. Don’t get me wrong – I have good parents, and they meant well.  I can totally understand why I never got a horse, even tho it was the #1 thing on my list for – well, forever. We didn’t have a place for a horse, I get that. What was hard is that no matter what I wanted, what I got was… tweaked. Like, say I asked for a Veterinarian Barbie… I would get something close, but not that. And the thing is, it wouldn’t even be super-close. Like I wouldn’t even get “Doctor Barbie” which at least is practically the same thing… I would get some other sort of  doll. It was always because there was some sort of logical reason why they item they bought me was “better”. Maybe it was cheaper, maybe it had did more stuff or came with more accessories or whatever… so I mean, they thought it was a good thing they were doing. But, it wasn’t. I wanted, well, what I wanted. I had some reason why it was the item I wanted, but it didn’t matter I guess.

Which is why I have this… obsession… to get my daughter exactly what she wants for Christmas. I don’t mean she gets every item on her list (I’d have to be a millionaire!) or that she even gets everything that my limited budget would consider a lot spent – I just mean, if I get her something on her list, I get her as close to exactly what she wants as I can. Like, when she was little and asked for a particular American Girl doll, she got that exact doll. Not a different American Girl doll that was on sale that holiday, and certainly not some other doll that was close but… not.  This year I spent hours looking for the exact scarf she had described to me. So, yeah, it’s nuts… but she’s never been disappointed in her Christmas. For good or bad. This year was no exception even though I had very limited funds to draw from. I was creative, so it all worked out!

It was also nice because I myself had nothing in particular I wanted. All I really, really want is a home of my own, and since no one can afford to buy me that, I didn’t anything special, so everything I got was just great!

But now it’s over. And it seems like it came and went far too fast. Tonight my niece asked Kiki to spend the night and she just called to say goodnight, and she’s having a great time. I love that she gets along so well with her cousin, and love that she’s enjoying her time. But I am feeling kind of sad and lonely, and wish she was home with me. I guess we can have fun together even if it’s not Christmas, right? But, I am totally feeling that “after-the-holiday-letdown”; you know what I mean? Plus, tomorrow is back to work for me, so it’s back to the regular old grind and I really wish I had some time off to just enjoy my family, especially since Kiki is on break from school.

Well, I hope you and yours had an amazing Christmas!!

I need an identity… or, for others at least to see the one I’ve got.

I feel like I’ve lost my identity. And not because someone stole my credit cards or something.

One of the hardest parts of not having my own home is that no one knows my “style”.  That sounds sort of weird, I suppose, but it’s true.  I realized the other day that of the people who are my friends now, not one of them knew me when I owned my own home… they have all become friends since we moved back here to Idaho, and we’ve lived with my parents the whole time so far.  (I suppose that also says something about my lack of friends, but that’s another story for another time)  So, you know, people use to come to my house and say “oh, you are into horses” because of the pictures and statues and stuff; or “gosh, I love your purple couches” or the antiques or oddities, or the way I’d painted my walls, whatever. It said something about who I was, in a way.

None of these people knew me before I was fat, either. All I ever wear these days is jeans and shirts, flipflops in summer, tennies in winter… a skirt on rare occasion. I don’t hate fashion;  I hate how I look and just can’t abide spending money on things I will look crappy in anyhow.  So there is nothing that says “this is the sort of flair I have”.

Also, no one really gets that I am passionate about horses. I haven’t owned any in, well, over 10 years, so that seems like a part of my life that is so far gone that no one even knows it used to be the biggest part of my life. I don’t even do any horse-related stuff, like go watch shows or go to the big Horse Affair they have here each year like I used to; it’s just too depressing to be so far removed from that life that I try not to think about it at all.

No one really knows me, I guess that’s what I am saying. And I am beginning to wonder if I truly know myself anymore. Who am I? Certainly not who I used to be… I don’t think… and I’m not really sure how to find out.

Avengers, Shawarma, life. It’s Sunday.

Just so no one thinks I’ve died, I am going to post a quick note on here before I crawl back to bed. (Don’t judge my laziness; I have the flu.) I am all alone, which is absolutely lovely in my opinion. It doesn’t happen nearly often enough for me, a gal who desperately needs her “alone” time but lives with an unemployed husband, schooled-at-home teenager (I can’t really call her “homeschooled” now as she’s doing online public school… but she is here, at home, 24-7…) as well as two retired parents.

So you can understand my insanity.

Anyway, our current obsession (ok, it’s my daughter’s obsession but we’ve bought in) is the “Avengers”.  I like to call it the Virile Hunk of Masculine Fury movie (anyone remember where that line came from? I don’t, but I like it!)  I have a raging mad crush on… just about all those hot guys…. oooooh.  Well, if you’ve seen it, you know about the shawarma. And of course, we had to go have some. Since we don’t live in a highly metropolitan area, (understatement!) I wasn’t even sure we’d be able to find it here, so I set Kiki on the task of finding a place that served it. And she did. And it’s awesome. It’s kind of  like a gyro sort of deal, that’s the best way I can describe it. I adore most middle eastern/mediterranean style food (mine came with hummus and warm pita bread; Alan and Kiki went with a side of fries… weirdies.) The folks working there found it pretty funny that we came in because of the Avengers movie… and we haven’t been the first! We told them it’s great advertising for them, because we hadn’t been aware of their little restaurant before but now will definately be back!

We also got a sampler of their baklava – ohmyfreakingosh these folks know how to make it! I could’ve died happy, right then.

I am really glad this flu doesn’t have me hurking, tho…. because it really started to hit right during the meal, and I’d have been totally bummed to have thrown up the shawarma then never have been able to enjoy middle eastern dining again (you know how your brain does that when you get sick right after a particular food, even if it’s totally unrelated to that food, and not, I dunno, food poisoning or such).

But it’s all fine. Even tho my head is throbbing and my body aches and I really really ought to be in bed sleeping it off, I’d actually be quite happy to be downing some shawarma right this minute. Or hummus. Or baklava…… oooh, I really hope Alan and Kiki don’t go out to eat after church and leave me here all sick and hungry….

I know why America has an obesity epidemic (Hint: It’s not from 24oz sodas)

I’ve been watching the news lately, far more often than I’d like due to my current living situation. This business about the – is it the mayor of New York? – (okay, obviously I watch the news without really paying attention!) anyway, the guy who wants to outlaw big sodas. Because that is going to make everyone suddenly thinner. Right.

Haven’t they  …”they” … been trying this? No more happy meals… no toys, anyway. Put nutritional info in the fast food stores.  Outlaw ‘supersizing’…. blah blah blah. And we are just getting fatter.

On the surface, sure, we are fat because we eat too much. It’s simple science… if you consume more calories than you burn, you get fat. Duh. Also, our processed foods, with all the chemicals and crap in them, are far worse than the “bad” foods our parents or our grandparents could chow down on if they were the sort to overeat.  But come on!! Do you really think that if you take away our soda we’ll get thinner??  As if I can’t buy soda at the grocery store and chug it down? I can honestly say, as an obese person, NONE of my weight is from sugary sodas. None. I don’t ever drink any soda but diet, and that only occasionally. So what’s my problem, huh? You are going to have to outlaw Ben and Jerrys, and cookies (homemade, so I guess you have to outlaw baking.)  Besides, how long have these items been in existance, and how long have we been so fat? Do you really think the problem is the food??  Geez. 

Maybe the problem is WHY we are eating so much. Why is a small soda, or one cookie, or a small serving of ice cream not enough? Think about that for awhile. Do you know? Do ya?

Okay, I will tell you what I think. (and as an obese person, with heavy friends, I think I’m qualified to tell you) We are freakin’ depressed. We are a nation of unhappy, unfulfilled humans, and we are cramming ourselves full of anything, anything, to try to get some satisfaction. Don’t believe me? Why do you think that even in this crappy economy, when so many of us are unemployed or underemployed that spending hasn’t gone down? Because some of you – instead of overeating – are satiating your needs with the junk you buy instead of the junk you eat. You know who you are – you look better on the outside than I do, but you are as unhappy and empty as I am. But maybe your shelves and your closets are fat.  Why do you think more poor people are fat than the wealthier folks? Because we can’t afford to buy nice stuff, or to try to make ourselves happy by a lovely dinner in a nice restaurant… so we ‘fill our needs’ with junk food. Because even tho I have very little money, I usually have enough for a candy bar.

Think about it. The farther our society gets from God… from living the right way … for Him, f0r other people, for our families, for our spouses and our children, from having people treat us right because we are unselfish and place others first…. I mean, when my husband is a jerk, I head for the pantry. When I feel like I have no friends, I always have the food.  On and on it goes.  Have you ever found yourself shopping for housewares when your home is full to the brim?  Or buying a new outfit when you have brand-new items in your closet that you will probably never wear? How many purses do you own? How many cats do you have??

We are looking for fulfillment. We are looking for relationship, for acceptance, for love. When we don’t find it in the right place, we try to find it in the wrong places… sex, drugs, stuff, food. Until we figure out how to get ourselves on track, to love ourselves for who we are without needing the acceptance of the other humans around us, until we ask the Lord to fill us up, to be our sufficiency, our fulfillment, we are going to be fat. No matter how much soda the government takes away.

How do you find yourself, once you become really, truly lost?

This mire which is my so-called life has become murkier and deeper as of late. It feels as mucky as the early spring mud which sucked my boots right off my feet when I’d head out to the barn to feed the horses. (Not much is grosser than stepping ankle deep into slimy mud clad only in stockinged feet…) I feel trapped with no obvious way out. Don’t know which direction to head. How to even start.

Maybe some of this has to do with the fact that we have now been living with my parents for over a year and a half. It was supposed to be for about 6 months, maybe less. Worse, I see no immediate end to the situation. No way out. I need a full-time job, and how do you do that and homeschool your kid? Also, how do you get a decent full-time job when you haven’t really worked since your child was born, almost 15 years ago? Not to mention all the taxi-service I do for her…

Then there is my weight. Other than feeling bad about it, I am doing nothing at all. It is my addiction, to dull the pain. It hurts in the long run, but don’t all addictions work that way?

Then there is my child’s education. This past year at our co-op has worn me out. I don’t want to do it any longer. I don’t feel qualified to homeschool her completely on my own (we all know how that went over in Virginia) and I want her to at least somewhat enjoy her high school years, unlike me.

Oh, and my sister.  Ugh with the vegan-ism and the adorable outfits and the “ooh guess what we are getting a trip to Cancun this year” and oh-dear-lord what I wouldn’t give to have my little sister back so we could gripe about it together! No one else truly understands how much I can love my older sister yet hate her at that same time.

My husband is no help at all. He’s not doing anything bad, just so wrapped up in his own issues that I can’t get him to spend a moment at least trying to give me some help on mine.

I finally get why moms run away from home. Honestly, it’s all I can do some days not to just toss some stuff in a bag, hop in my car, and start driving. To – anywhere. If I had more than two nickels to rub together I’d probably go. Chances are pretty good that I’d eventually return… but maybe with my head on a little bit straighter.

Having vegan friends is really a downer when it comes to parties

So tomorrow is Super Bowl Sunday.  Sure, I have to work until 5pm (I am sooo annoyed about this – but that’s another story) but we thought it would be nice to invite some friends over to watch the game… then we started going down the list.  I have complained before how too many of our friends are also friends of my sister, right?  Friends who she has pulled over to the Dark Side known as “being vegan”. Anyhow, we were thinking of the snacks we wanted to make for the game – you know, the usual stuff; cheese dip with tortilla chips, little smokies in BBQ sauce, chip and dip, cookies. Crap food. Party food. Stuff most of our current friends won’t eat. Or, stuff that we’d feel guilty eating in front of them.  As my  husband said “they’d just think ‘gees, no wonder those two can’t lose any weight'”.  I am thinking that must mean the problem is… us.  Could it really be?? I suppose if we didn’t eat poorly we wouldn’t need to feel guilty about it. But, honestly, what kind of Super Bowl snacks do most people have?  Isn’t it fat-laden, meaty items? It’s not just us, right? 

It’s bad enough that the last two parties we’ve been to with this particular group of friends were full of vegan/not extremely tasty treats. Not horrible stuff, but not fantastic either. I guess I have two choices: become vegan myself, or make new friends. I wonder which choice would be more painful?