Having spent so much time sick and laying around, I’ve had a lot of time to think. This isn’t always a good thing, depending on what sort of direction my thoughts take. But I’ve had good and bad. I’ve been thinking how weird it is that I am at the same time happy and content and yet depressed and stressed. Okay, I’m not really depressed – been there, done that – this is more, uhm, feeling blue I guess. A little down.
Part of it is probably being sick. It’s been more than a month and I am still just utterly exhausted. I don’t feel up to doing much of anything (and haven’t been doing, at all). I did strip the paint off of a vintage vanity I am going to repaint and sell… but now it’s just sitting there… waiting… Mostly I’ve been reading. I am reading the “Number 1 Ladies Detective Agency” series. I love them; light reading, fun, and gives a little insight to life in another country. I feel guilty, though, since my parents are 80 now and do so much more than I do – especially my mom, who is like the energizer bunny. My sister and I inherited absolutely NONE of that trait from her – how is that possible??
This week Kiki has been in theatre camp. She got a pretty big part (the Wicked Witch; they are doing Wizard of Oz) and last night was the first show. I was really proud of her, as she remembered all her lines and was one of the few who I thought really “acted” as opposed to just saying their lines… she was good! The only part she needs to do better is her one solo song – she sings beautifully, but waaaay too quietly for “theater”…. couldn’t hardly hear her. She has two more shows today; we will see if she can pull off a bit more volume. In dress rehearsal, Dorothy hit her in the forehead with the heavy wooden bucket while she was pretending to douse her with water, so she has a big ol’ lump on her forehead. At last night’s performance (not yet knowing about the bucket incident) I thought they’d given her a “wart” on her forehead, lol! Kiki was not amused. She’s pretty nervous today even though last night went so well.
I think – okay, I know – I am really stressed about my life. We have now lived with my parents for a year. (we had figured 3 months, 6 months tops) That is insanity waiting to happen, don’t you think?! I NEED my own home, and now. Yet I don’t see that happening for… ikes, I don’t know. As I am tottering on the brink of becoming 50 years old, I wonder if I have ever accomplished anything in this life that counts.
It seems strange to be on both sides of the fence at the same time…. how is that even possible? Happy and sad? Fine yet completely discontent? Maybe I am just coming unhinged and don’t know if I’m coming or going… that is totally possible.
Then there is the weight loss. I have now lost 50 pounds. You’d think that’d be a good thing, and it is. Yet, when you have as much to lose as I do, it’s a drop in the bucket… I mean, to lose that much poundage and still be obese is just wrong, y’ know? I feel great that I’ve lost all that weight, yet I look at myself and think “crud….still fat”. I am not exaggerating… I still can’t buy clothes in the regular section of a store – yesterday found me at Lane Bryant once again. There is a list of reasons I hate having to shop there; not the least of which is that it is too freakin’ expensive. A regular old shirt is like $50.! Stupid. I bought 2 things off the super-marked-down rack, and only because I was told I have to wear nicer tops to work… boss doesn’t like my t-shirts, I guess. Sheesh. It’s hard to find fat-lady clothes that don’t scream “look at me, I’m fat”… “and old”. In my opinion. I have to keep telling myself “I am 1/3 of the way there”… and when I put on last summer’s shorts and they practically fell off… well, that was a happy moment!
I wish at some point in my life I had done something…. big. Run off to Paris. Had a wild fling. Joined the foreign legion. I don’t know. Something… interesting. I’m too much of a goody-goody girl. It’s buried so deep in my DNA that I will probably never do anything like that.
Fry sauce. I love fry sauce. I’d nearly forgotten, being over in Virginia where they’ve never heard of it. Then being on a diet where french fries are kind of a thing of the past. But! Yesterday after the play, Kiki wanted a milkshake. We drove thru a little local joint we’d never been to before (the theater is on the opposite end of town from where we normally are) and not only did we get milkshakes (hers, Oreo; mine, chocolate-peanut butter; YUM!) but we decided we’d also share some fries, and the girl asked if we wanted fry sauce – heck yeah!! SO-STINKIN’-GOOD!! happy happy happy