Category Archives: Deep Thoughts for Those Who Take Life Way Too Seriously

The secret lives of people you thought you knew

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Do you know your friends? Really?

I thought I did. Maybe it’s because I am pretty much an open book. What you see is what you get and all that. Not that I air every piece of dirty laundry I have, or, upon meeting a new person blurt out every dark and dirty event I have ever been through, but if I have been around you for any amount of time, you’d have a pretty good idea about who I am. What I’m like.

So you can imagine my utter astonishment when the husband of one of the couples in my home group (which is a small group of people from my church who meet together once a week to study the Bible and build a deeper connection with than you might find when you go to a church like mine that has over 1500 members) anyhow – we got a call that he was in jail because he battered his wife. His wife being a woman I thought I knew pretty well. Someone I considered my friend. Shoot, I thought I knew him pretty well… he put on a really good front. And I’m pissed.

So, why am I so pissed off? Maybe it’s because I feel like I was lied to. I mean, our group has met every week for a couple of years. We have asked each other to pray for issues we’re having, opened up about hard stuff in our lives… well – some of us have. Obviously not everyone.

See, we’ve been through a lot with this family. Our kids hang out together. In fact these kids always acted like they were this happy little family when the truth is they have been hurt by and upset and disappointed with their dad pretty much their entire lives… at this point they say they never want to speak with him again, they are so tired of his manipulation and lies and hurt.

The husband has had lots of serious health issues, and we prayed and we took them meals and we kept their girls when they had to travel to hospitals out of state and our husbands drove this guy to the doctor visits out of state when the mom needed to be home with her children for special events… and never, ever, did it come up that this man was an abusive addict. We knew he had once had addiction issues… and were led to believe this was the past; dealt with. He was even a leader in our church’s addiction recovery program! Sheesh. Then he went nutso one more time and she’d finally had enough. The attack was witnessed by their kids, by two pastors who came by because one of the girls got really scared and called her youth pastor, and the arresting officers. So even though this man has denied the event (!) we all know what happened.

I don’t blame my friend for leaving her husband, even tho they’ve been married over 20 years. I don’t know why she didn’t leave him earlier, except she is this sweet Christian woman who I know was trying to do the best by her kids and I am sure in her dysfunctional way she thought if she hung in there and prayed enough she could rescue this man. I get that. What I don’t get is in all the time we’ve been friends that she never felt like she could have, at the very least, said “hey, we’re having some problems in our marriage – could  you pray for us?”  I mean, maybe she didn’t want to drag her husband through the mud, or maybe she was embarrassed about – whatever parts of it – but we other gals sure asked for help and prayers about a whole bunch of crap… so it kinda makes me mad, I guess. Hurts my feelings maybe. Like she didn’t feel I was a trustworthy friend.  I love this woman, I really do. She’s one of my best friends. I am sorry she is hurting right now.

I am also pissed that I was so misled by this man. I mean, he presented himself as this quiet, softspoken, very very wise man of God. He knew all the Scripture, had the right answers… When in fact he’s a crazy addict. And I seriously mean crazy. Some of the stuff he has said and done since the arrest and subsequent no-contact order, separation and divorce has been absolutely bat-poop-insanity. For reals.

I am not judging these people. We all mess up. We are all crazy, sin-filled people. I have had probably more than my fair share of stupidity and screw-ups.  But, I don’t know. It just makes me mad. Why do we get together as a small group of Christian friends to support one another if we aren’t going to be honest with one another? Why don’t we just play Poker then?

Which all just makes me wonder… do I really know any of the people I think I know? How many of my friends are hiding some dark secret that they think I am not able to be trusted with? Do they think I’m hiding something? Do you? Are you?

Living – and loving – the lazy life

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Last week my little family did some housesitting. Oh, sure, I complained like crazy about doing it. Like, how it was going to be a big pain having to pack up the stuff I’d need for being there (hmm, pajamas, sweats..) and then decent clothes to wear to work. It’s also much further to my job, and my husband had his own business so all his supplies are at the other house… blah blah blah…
But wow! We had a fantastic week. The first two days we sat in our pajamas and watched movies (okay, we also watched the first 2 seasons of Sherlock… I am soooo addicted to that! And I can’t believe it’ll be ages before the next season…! But I digress…) We ate when we wanted to eat… what we wanted. We watched what we wanted, when we wanted – no news!! Yay!! I didn’t have to play 20 questions when I left the house; I just left. It was awesome.

 

As much as I don’t want to get a full-time job, I have to admit it might almost be worth it if we could have a home of our own…

 

A New Year, a change in the weather ~ yikes it’s cold!

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Yeah, Yeah, I know. It’s winter. I live in Idaho. But seriously… this is ridiculous. Let’s see, right now it is… 7 degrees. They are forecasting that the temperature in the morning will be minus 4 or thereabouts. brrrrrrrr!! It used to be this cold, the first time we lived here. It just seems like it hasn’t been like this the last several years. But now? Global warming my eye. 

It’s so cold I couldn’t bear to make the outdoor cat sleep … well, outdoors. He has a bed – well, a blanket in a box in the shed – but it’s so cold! Poor kitty. So I made him a spot out in my dad’s garage, and dad didn’t argue. He says cats are spawn of the devil, but he has a soft spot in his heart for all animals, regardless. 🙂  It’s nearly 60 in the garage, so I think that’s a big step up.

It makes it rather hard to follow through – oh, shoot, to even begin! – that wonderful ‘resolution’ of getting out and walking every day! Yeah, I don’t think so!

Just as I’ve been typing this (altho I admit, I am also watching a movie, so it’s taken longer than you’d think) it has dropped to 5.5 degrees…

Thank the Lord for warm homes, fireplaces, snuggly beds and hot tea.

 

 

 

 

 

I need an identity… or, for others at least to see the one I’ve got.

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I feel like I’ve lost my identity. And not because someone stole my credit cards or something.

One of the hardest parts of not having my own home is that no one knows my “style”.  That sounds sort of weird, I suppose, but it’s true.  I realized the other day that of the people who are my friends now, not one of them knew me when I owned my own home… they have all become friends since we moved back here to Idaho, and we’ve lived with my parents the whole time so far.  (I suppose that also says something about my lack of friends, but that’s another story for another time)  So, you know, people use to come to my house and say “oh, you are into horses” because of the pictures and statues and stuff; or “gosh, I love your purple couches” or the antiques or oddities, or the way I’d painted my walls, whatever. It said something about who I was, in a way.

None of these people knew me before I was fat, either. All I ever wear these days is jeans and shirts, flipflops in summer, tennies in winter… a skirt on rare occasion. I don’t hate fashion;  I hate how I look and just can’t abide spending money on things I will look crappy in anyhow.  So there is nothing that says “this is the sort of flair I have”.

Also, no one really gets that I am passionate about horses. I haven’t owned any in, well, over 10 years, so that seems like a part of my life that is so far gone that no one even knows it used to be the biggest part of my life. I don’t even do any horse-related stuff, like go watch shows or go to the big Horse Affair they have here each year like I used to; it’s just too depressing to be so far removed from that life that I try not to think about it at all.

No one really knows me, I guess that’s what I am saying. And I am beginning to wonder if I truly know myself anymore. Who am I? Certainly not who I used to be… I don’t think… and I’m not really sure how to find out.

Random thoughts on a lazy Sunday

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 Is it weird that I would drive my kid a half-hour across town so she can spend a few hours watching movies with a friend? Do other parents do this? I feel bad that she doesn’t have friends in the neighborhood like I did when I was a kid… she doesn’t really have friends in our town at all. She also has no siblings to play with. So, I drove her 30 minutes to the next town over to spend the evening with a friend (who, fortunately, is slightly older and has a license so she will drive Kiki home after, so I don’t have to make the trip twice.)

I’ve also spent a lot of time recently driving her a half-hour the other direction to participate in a new theater group. Acting is something she loves doing but hasn’t had a lot of opportunity to participate in, so when she actually got a part after auditioning I couldn’t deny her the chance to do it… but, she rehearses 3 days a week in another town so off we go again! I wish my car got better mileage (17mpg on a good day).  On those days, I spend 3 hours hanging out in a coffeehouse reading or on my computer because I don’t want to make the drive twice – so I just wait out there while she’s rehearsing. I wish I had a friend in that town to hang out with; that’d be more fun!

Last night she had a song to sing in a special fundraising event. She was asked rather last minute, didn’t have time to practice much, and didn’t do very well. After her song, we went outside and she sobbed. Poor kid. It’s so hard to be a mom! I didn’t even want to go watch her, because I had a feeling it wasn’t going to go very well. A couple of very nice folks came up while I was comforting her and told her she had done a fine job, and there will never be another first time, so it will get easier. That helped, and I sure appreciated those people’s words.

It’s been unseasonably cold here for Autumn. That’s kind of bumming me out, because Fall is my absolute favorite season but it almost feels like winter out. It also seems like the cold and wind is making the leaves fall faster than normal, so we won’t get to enjoy the colors as long. Supposedly it’s going to warm up a bit this week; that’d be nice.

My poor orange kitty seems to be a bit “off” the last few days… I wish I could afford to take him to the vet, just to make sure he’s okay before it would turn into anything serious. Unfortunately, I probably can’t talk my husband into this unless it turns into something serious. I hate that.

It seems like we will never get out of this financial hole we are in. Everytime things seem to be looking up, something goes wrong. My husband’s work truck had to go into the shop twice in the last couple months, to the tune of about $2,500.00. Ugh. I keep thinking I should get a full-time job, but I so want to keep being a full-time mom! I am starting to look for a job that would either be graveyard shift or super-early mornings, so I wouldn’t really be gone when Kiki is around and awake and needs me. Of course, I don’t know when I’d be able to sleep, then…

I’ve decided I probably need therapy to deal with the anger I feel toward my sister. I am really not sure why I feel like I do, unless it’s maybe a deep-seated issue from our childhood. I mean, yeah, she does stupid stuff sometimes… don’t we all? Shouldn’t I be able to just let it roll off me, that whole “water off a duck” deal?   sigh    I finally  – at a women’s retreat last month – dealt with some other stuff that has been causing me grief all of my life from very early on. I’ve known it was a problem for a loooong time now, but finally feel like I’ve moved on. Which is awesome! but; sad to think of all the years I can’t go back and “fix” from having lived them in the shadow of those events. Oh, well. What’re ya gonna do?

Now, if only I could “fix” the food addiction…. I am so very tired of being fat, and yet I guess not enough to quit eating the stuff I eat. Sometimes I think it would be better to need to give up alcohol or smoking! Something black and white – I mean, you just don’t do it. You can’t really give up eating! So it’s making the right choices I find so hard.

That’s about all I have to say tonight. I am fighting a sore throat, and probably ought to go to bed early, but of course I won’t be able to go until Kiki is safely back home!