Category Archives: The Real Me

I’m having an Epiphany! (of the Feast kind, not the thought kind…)

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(… although, I could probably use one of the thought kinds…)

An epiphany is the sudden realization or comprehension of the (larger) essence or meaning of something. The term is used in either a philosophical or literal sense to signify that the claimant has “found the last piece of the puzzle and now sees the whole picture,” or has new information or experience, often insignificant by itself, that illuminates a deeper or foundational frame of reference.

So, yeah, I could totally do with one of those!  Sadly, that’s not what I’m having today.  What I am having is the churchy kind, the last day of the 12 Days of Christmas. January 6th. This is a day that some Christians around the world traditionally observe as the day the 3 Kings (or Wisemen) came to visit baby Jesus and brought him gifts. In some places, this is the day gifts are exchanged rather than on Christmas Day. Some people do a little something on each of the 12 days.

Over the years since I’ve been married, we have observed this day more or less depending on what else was going on in our lives.  We’ve never made it as big a deal as Christmas, but some years we did have an extra gift on this day, read the Bible story of the wisemen, and one year I even baked a King’s Cake. Yeah, only one year.  But I always want to make one! Neither of us really had this day as a tradition in our family, and sometimes I think my main reason for celebrating it is to extend Christmas for a little longer, because it’s my favorite day of the year.   Also, to put off the inevitable mess of “packing away Christmas” for another year.

This year it’s probably less of a deal than ever, as we’re still at my parents house and I’m just not in the mood.  The most that we’re doing is not putting the tree away until tomorrow. Whoopee.

Maybe I should put my energies into having the other kind of Epiphany instead.

Pride goeth before a fall

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OhMyGosh I cannot quit eating!!  All through the weeks leading up to Christmas I was feeling so proud of myself because I was NOT overeating. I baked cookies, and gave them away. The ones that did stay I was able to restrain myself from.  I did soooo well. Until the actual day of Christmas!  Well, actually, even then.  It really didn’t get bad until New Year’s Eve.  I have no idea what happened.  Maybe the stress of “I have to make Resolutions now” or something??  No clue. But, it all has fallen apart. I eat and eat and eat… most of it not good stuff.

Good thing my mom bought Kiki and me a WII Fit for Christmas… I better get busy. Get my body busy, instead of my mouth!

 

Soooo… it’s 2012. And I’m not as unhappy as you think.

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I have nothing fantastic to say about this. I mean, it’s all “a new start” and all that rot… but I really don’t like making New Year’s resolutions.  I mean, if I need to fix something in my life, or change something, I don’t really think I should wait until January 1st to do it.  I usually try to fix things as they come up.  (mind, I didn’t say I did fix things… just I try to…)!  However, it is a time when a person does sort of reflect on her life a bit, examine it if you will… I mean, there’s not a whole lot else to do if you’re not out partying or something!

One thing really struck me after reading a comment on a recent post of mine. The commenter made a remark about me being “so unhappy with my life”.  And I thought “I’m not unhappy”… then I thought “yes I am” then “no I’m not” and then it rolled around a bit more in my head until I had to yell “stop”!! and then I thought some more.  🙂 Hard. Objectively.  And here is the honest truth:

I am not unhappy with my life.  I mean, not in the “I’m so desperately miserable” sort of way that the commenter thinks. Yes, there are things – important things – in my life that I am unhappy about. Things I would like to be very different.  Sure, my things may be biggish things, but doesn’t everyone probably have things in their lives they are unhappy about? At least some small things? 

I suppose I give the impression of being totally depressed because I often use this blog as my place to vent.  When something upsets me, I blog about it.  So I can see where someone could get that impression, since most of my blogs are unhappy ones.  But, after doing some very honest introspection, I can tell you that I really am, overall, happy. I am al-right. Perfect? No. Could be happier? Yes. But, okay.

In fact, it’s funny, because just yesterday my boss was telling me how much she enjoys working with me because I am so cheerful. Ha!

We had a really interesting sermon at church today, and it reminded me that I need to try harder to remember that God does what He does (or, honestly,what I struggle with is the “doesn’t do what He doesn’t do”)  because He has the bigger picture in mind.  And I haven’t got a clue.  I know what I want, but maybe not totally what I need.  Sometimes I don’t think the Lord makes any sense at all.  I ask for things like… help fixing my marriage, and I can’t possibly see what the downside of that could be – why would He say “no”? or, at least “not yet”??  I don’t get that at all. But I am a moron compared to God, so what do I know? Today I thought – maybe I need to learn to rely on Him for my needs, and if my husband was the man I wanted, I’d rely on him instead.  Maybe? Interesting …

I am just trying to see the … good.  See the point in it all, if I can. Maybe that’s what I’ll strive for in 2012.

Christmas memories – never peek at your presents

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I have known people who are experts at finding their hidden Christmas gifts. Not just children, but adults as well.  I’ve even heard of people who have unwrapped then re-wrapped their gifts under the tree because they couldn’t wait to see what they were getting.  NOT me. No way.

See, I did that one year.  I really, really wanted a train set. Wanted it so bad I could feel it.  (not as bad as all those years I wanted a horse, but while the horse was one of those things I knew I’d never get, the train set seemed possible)  One day I was home alone, and there was a gift for me under the tree that seemed like the right size!  I thought I couldn’t stand not knowing and that I’d be so excited to know if I was really getting my train!  So – I peeked.  I carefully unwrapped the end of the gift and looked in… sure enough, it was my train set.  I was prepared to be happy.  I wasn’t prepared for the let-down I felt.  Now I knew what I was getting.  I knew exactly what I was getting, and it was just what I wanted. And I also knew I would not be surprised on Christmas morning. There was nothing to really look forward to… in a weird way. Even though I was still excited about getting that train set – but somehow the wonder was taken out of the day.

I learned.  I learned it quick.  I never, ever again peeked at a Christmas gift.  And whether I got what I was hoping for or not, it was always better if it was a surprise.

 

Yesterday was a remarkable day – new jeans and all

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Honestly! First, I went to the store to buy a new pair of jeans. Which, of course, is a despised sort of thing for me to do. But as my old pair was ripping in the inner thigh, it had to be done.  Yeah, that’s right.  I only buy new pants when I absolutely am in danger of ripping out of an old pair – don’t judge!

Anyhow, the good news is this – the pair I bought was a size smaller!  Yay me!  Better yet, I also bought myself a new shirt – and it came from the non-fat-lady section of the store!!  That’s right, I got to buy clothing in the normal-sized-clothes area! Sure, it’s a t-shirt, so it’s stretchy… possibly a blouse type of deal would not fit me, but hey – I am gonna celebrate the XL, anyway!

(this is where I do the happy dance…)

Then the 2nd amazing thing happened.  I made dinner.  From scratch. 

Okay, for a whole lot of people – woman and wives especially – that’s like “whoopdi freakin doo” I suppose… but for me?  I don’t cook.  I despise cooking.  Baking, sure.  I love to bake and I do it alot.  But not cooking.  The “whys” are long and involved, and that might be a post for another day… suffice it to say it’s a rare day when I make dinner.  When I do, I have a couple things I like to make.  The one I made last night is “Dinner in a Pumpkin’.  Yeah, it’s an autumn kinda thing.  I really like it.  And I think my family did too!

Looking for perspective and gratefulness

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All right. I am tired of, well, of myself. My attitude.  Yes, it’s true, my life could be better.  There are certainly things I would like to be different, and lots of people in my situation would not want to be in said situation.

That being said, my life could also be worse.  Now, that in itself is sometimes not incredibly encouraging… I mean, do you tell a person with breast cancer “at least you don’t have brain cancer”?  That’d be stupid.  I mean, most of us, no matter what our situations, can find someone whose life is better and someone whose life is worse.  Because that’s just the way it is.  And, your life is your life.  I don’t think we feel all warm and fuzzy in our own disappointments and frustrations because someone else is worse off,  because we are stuck living our own.  Good or bad, our “bad” is our bad. 

But, I keep coming back to that whole ‘attitude’ thing.  I need to work on improving mine.  No matter what might – or might not – change in my life, I need to look at it differently.  Part of my life being my life means I am stuck in this one… it’s the only one I’ll get, even if I wish I could go back and make different choices and therefore be on a different path.  No matter how bad I’d like to do that, I don’t get to.  Here I am, so where do I go from here?  I don’t really believe “it’s all up to me and I can have a better life from here on out” because  1) I’m not the only one in my life.  Other people in my sphere of life make decisions that effect me, for better or for worse, and I have no control over their choices.  2) There is evil in the world – sickness of mind and of body – and that also I can’t control.  It can effect me.  So, we are back to that whole attitude thing, aren’t we? I can’t help what happens to me, to a large extent, but I can choose how I react to it.

That’s hard.  Really, really hard.  I haven’t done very well at this over the last decade or so.  To be honest, I am not sure how I can improve, or if I will.  But I am going to try.  Because the last decade hasn’t been all that enjoyable.  There have been good times, but they have been outweighed by the depression I have felt.  I want so badly to be done with that!  I deserve better!

I think it’s nap time

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Uh, no.  I don’t have a baby.  Or even a toddler.  I’m talking about me I need a nap.  I was going to do something… I don’t know, worthwhile today.  Or, get something accomplished.  But the whole family is out of the house and I’m thinking… it’s raining, I’m tired… forget something worthwhile, I’m taking a nap!

What’s the deal?

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I’m so sorry for my sporadic posts.  When I first started blogging… years ago!… I was pretty good about writing a little something every day.  Then – well, there were life changes and blog site changes and on and on…. and it just sort of fell by the wayside.  Partly it’s due to the fact I don’t have a good place to get on my computer.  Which now seems like a lame excuse, since I have a laptop, I mean, I could take it anywhere…. but here at home, my parents really think time on the computer is time wasted, so unless I want to sit in my room on my bed and type, I feel like I’m observed and judged.  Guess I should schedule a daily SBUX run with the computer… but then I have to explain where I’m going… geez, I hate feeling like a kid again! Another reason for not posting is my daily struggle with that dark cloud of depression.  I mean, I’m okay enough to realize y’all probably don’t want to hear one long whiny rant after another (like the one about my sister!  Ooh, and I have some insight on that issue… more on that later). But on the other hand, I feel like I have more to complain about than to gush about…. which is probably untrue but there’s that depression talking!  And now, to be completely truthful, there is one more reason.  I think… I mean, probably… yeah, it’s true…. that when I first started blogging I hoped I’d get all sorts of followers and that my blog would become popular and maybe I’d even get some ads on it eventually and become rich and famous.  I’ll admit it.  I wanted that.  And at first, when I was over at my other server site and started, I was actually featured – like a “fresh pressed” here on WP, and I was getting a few people reading… but, then, it never really happened.  You know?  So I think there is a disappointment attached to my blogging life.  Which is weird, I suppose… here you are, writing about your personal stuff, and you hope a ton of people read it.  That’s kind of strange when you think about it.  I should be writing about… I don’t know, weird cakes or cats or something and maybe it would’ve worked better.  Maybe I was just hoping for a little – help?  People to say I’m not as crazy as I feel?  That I’m not alone in a world of billions?

Hmm.  I don’t know.  I wish I had more answers than questions.  And my life really isn’t all that horrid when I put it in perspective, but that can be hard some days.  I know you understand that, right?

Well, it’s a beautiful day here – the sun is shining, I think the temp is going to be over 45 degrees today (yeah, it went from the hot 80’s one week to downright freezing here!) but this week is supposed to be ‘real’ autumn weather (like, 60’s and 70’s) and that is one thing I love.  Pretty, colorful, crunchy leaves to walk through.  Crisp air.  Yumm.  Have a lovely weekend!

On further introspection, I guess I just need “sister issue” therapy.

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So, I guess I just have issues with my sister.  And I have no idea how to deal with her it. Honestly, she is a good person, and I know she loves me. I love her.  And it would really grieve her if she knew how upset I am with her.  Obviously, it’s not just the weight-loss group thing; I think it’s years of pent-up irritation.  I don’t want to sit here and list everything I am angry about – I really don’t want to rip into her like that.  She can just tend to be really self-centered and self-absorbed.  Now, that’s not just this sister in me talking… my husband will complain about her for those exact reasons.  She’s the kind of person, who, if a homeless woman was talking to her about how hard it is to be destitute, and how she is tired of living in a shelter, and can’t buy shoes for her child, my sister would say “Oh, I know exactly how you feel!  Once, we were so poor, I couldn’ t buy lattes for an entire year!” So. Not. Kidding.  I don’t think she is trying to be a jerk – I think, somehow, in her mind, she is trying to empathize.  But, sometimes I feel like maybe she really does think her life is just as hard as anyones… which, okay, we all have our burdens to bear, but I don’t think hers have been all that horrid.  The rub is that if I brought it up to her, she would be all upset and not believe it. Do you know, she once said, in so many words, that she knew exactly how I felt about my husband’s affair, because her husband is kind of a workaholic, therefore his “other woman” is his job, and actually, my husband’s affair “only” lasted 2 years, and her husband has been giving his all at work for much longer than that – forgive me for saying so, but I do NOT think that is comparable!! 

So this is just me, venting.  Because it is so much better if I let off some steam here rather than hissing at my sister.  I just try to let it go… but maybe after all these years the ‘stuffing place’ is full up!  I can’t change her; I guess I need to find out a better way to get over it.  HI HO hi ho back to therapy I go…