Tag Archives: business

Rambling thoughts on a Sunday

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Funny how seldom I post anymore. I used to be so regular about it. My heart just isn’t in it any longer. I think it’s because I find myself so down in the dumps that I realized I mainly blog in a whiney, poor-pitiful-me sort of way. And I hate that. My sister is a big whiner. And she really isn’t that bad off, but you’d think she was. It irritates that heck out of me, and I find myself doing it here all the time. Ugh.

Part of it, to be fair to me, lol, is that I haven’t got anyone else to complain to. I don’t really have friends (I have problems with that, but that’s a blog for another day) and I can’t complain to my sister (she won’t just listen and sympathize, she either tries to tell you why you don’t have it so bad or why she is at least as bad off as you if not worse) I won’t complain to my daughter (because that would just make her feel bad, and none of it is her fault) and I can’t complain to my husband (most of it IS his fault, but he feels bad enough already, and it would just make him crankier). I guess what I need is a therapist! Or some friends. My younger sister was the best – she would sympathize, let me get it all out, then do something crazy to make me laugh and I’d feel better… but since she left us all for the much, much greener pastures of Heaven, it kinda sucks.

I’m totally feeling sorry for myself because after nearly 16 years of being a stay-at-home-mom (which I LOVED by the way) I had to go back to work full-time. I hate it. Not only is the job pretty annoying and crappy, but I don’t get to do all the stuff at home I have always enjoyed doing… taking my daughter to this and that lesson or rehearsal, doing school with her – we homeschooled, remember – crafting or even just the housework. I was never a career-minded kind of gal, and I certainly don’t want to start now.

And my husband. I think he’s even more depressed than I am, so he does… pretty much nothing. His business will never take off if he doesn’t work it, and he doesn’t. And he has all the time in the world since he got himself fired from his last piddly job. It’s hard, because with all the other crap I had issues with him over, the one thing I could always fall back on was “at least he’s a good provider”.  Now I got nothing. Okay, that’s not entirely true… he is still a pretty good dad. Except for the grumpiness. But still pretty good in that respect.

Well, there I am again… whining. But this blog is my substitute friend/therapist, so I have to get it out someplace. Guess no one has to read it!

 

Twists and turns on the path of life

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Yeah... what that says!This is the road sign of my life at the moment. Because things have gotten a little upside down recently. It’s okay; just not the way I want it to be.

Two months ago I had to get a full-time job. I don’t want a full-time job; I mean, I had one – wife, mom… I was busy in this job, and I loved it. But, Kiki was tired of school-at-home so we decided to put her in a private Christian school… so she could “experience” “real” school. My full-time job was to pay tuition and gas to get her the 30 minutes each way to school and back. I was grieving, in a way, as this meant I wouldn’t get to participate in her school the way I’d want to – no room-momming, no volunteering, no field trips… because I would be unavailable. Stuck at work.

I’ve never been a “career minded” gal. It’s not that I mind working – I mind doing stuff that I don’t give a crap about. But this was so Kiki could do school, so I put my mind to the task. Then just before school started, the lovely government decided my husband no longer deserved the unemployment he’d been getting – even though he was supposed to have 9 months left. We did two weeks of school before we realized my paycheck had to go to paying bills and there was no possible way we could keep Kiki in the school. I cried for two days – for the loss of the school, the loss of her chance to experience that, for the loss of my freedom, for the fact I would have to work full-time even though the entire reason for doing so was now lost.

One week after we pulled her out of school, we got the letter that the government had been mistaken, and we got several weeks back-pay and his weekly unemployment started back up.

What the crap???

Kiki took it all better than I did. Even in those two weeks, she realized everything I had told her was true – high school is not really something to get excited about. It was not all she had thought it would be. She is also an amazing young lady – she believes beyond a doubt that God has other plans for her – if He made it impossible for her to be at that school then obviously she needs to be somewhere else. Her faith is an inspiration to me, to be honest. I wish I had as much as she.

Of course, I am still stuck in the job. After all, I made a commitment and I don’t feel like I should just up and quit. Besides, before we were just barely scraping by, so this job is a blessing, in a way. My last paycheck (yeah, the entire thing) bought shocks and struts for my car. Most of this last paycheck bought my daughter contacts and a visit to the doctor for a much-belated check up. My next paycheck will buy new tires for my car, since the old ones are pretty much bald. All things we couldn’t have done without my job.

So I try to be thankful. Even thought it’s a stupid and really annoying job. I have remembered what it’s like to live for weekends. I miss my family, as the hours I work make me miss dinner, and my husband is off school-bus-driving before I wake up in the morning, and he goes to bed right after I get home. It’s also weird because although I like most of the people I work with, I have realized I am old enough to be most of their mothers. (No exaggeration – I am actually older than some of their moms. I don’t feel that old.)

My husband hates the fact that I have to work, mostly because he knows how much I love being a stay-at-home-mom. And he wants that for me. He also wants very much to work, but no one will hire him. I know why – his job is to grow our business, and God isn’t going to let him have a job to get in the way of that. I’m convinced of this.

That knowledge doesn’t make him feel better. He feels like a giant loser who no one wants to hire and who can’t provide for his family.

I am praying that this is just a season. Hopefully, a short season. And in the meantime, I try to remember to be thankful for the good things that I have.

And for the occasional mocha.

It felt like serving drinks to an alcoholic

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Which is wrong. Totally wrong. And that is how it felt today.

 See, I work in a little boutique clothing store (and if you knew me really well, you would be on the floor laughing hysterically right now.  Yeah. I am so not a fashionista; it’s really not the right job for me.) However, that’s not the point. We have this customer who is from, uhm, I can’t remember… an Eastern European country. She speaks very little English.  Anyway, I waited on her last week, and it was kind of weird… she paid in cash, removed all the tags right there at the counter, wouldn’t let me bag it, and didn’t want her reciept.  Well, it turns out she’s a shopaholic and a hoarder – her family has even staged an intervention of sorts (which, aparently, didn’t work).  Her husband cut her off financially, so she got a job, cashes her paychecks, and goes shopping. (We are a small, locally-owned store; we know stuff about our customers that other big, chain-store employees probably wouldn’t know!) Well, she came in again today.  She bought several items; paid cash, cut off the tags.  Picked up some more stuff; paid cash, cut off the tags, stuffed it all into a huge purse/bag thingie she also was buying.  This went on about half a dozen times, until she ran out of cash and started using the credit card.  You know, last time I just thought it was weird, but now that I know the story?  Well, it just seemed so wrong! I wanted to tell her “Please, just stop!  Just go home, quit spending money on this stuff!”  But, that isn’t my place, is it.  No, as much as I wanted to, my job is to smile and serve the customer.

What would you do?

When will western doctors quit “practicing” medicine and just do something right?

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Have you ever wondered why they say doctors are “practicing” medicine? Do educators “practice” teaching?  Do policemen “practice” upholding the law?  Yeah, I don’t think so.  (okay, you could argue that lawyers “practice” the law… do you really want to use that arguement??) My dad worked in the aerospace industry – yes, he was a rocket scientist.  If he had only been practicing his job, the Hubble Space Telescope wouldn’t have ever been in orbit, to mention one thing.

I have lost faith in our doctors.  Now, not in the case of trauma or some other catastrophic event – if I was in a horrid accident, there is nowhere I’d want to be other than in an American hospital.  Our doctors are great at putting things back together and that sort of thing.  I am talking about illnesses and the symptoms of such.

When was the last time you went to a doctor because you didn’t feel well, had that doctor truly listen to you and your symptoms, and then said doctor did a whole lot of stuff to find out the real basis for your problem then deal with that?  OR… did that doctor give you some medicine to deal with your symptoms and hopefully by the time your meds were gone your actual illness was gone as well…?

Have you ever actually read an advertisement for a prescription drug?  Check this one out…

How does PRISTIQ work?

No one knows for sure what causes depression. But many experts believe that depression results when certain chemicals in the brain are out of balance. These chemicals, called neurotransmitters, relay messages from one brain cell to another.

PRISTIQ is thought to work by affecting the levels of two of these neurotransmitters: serotonin and norepinephrine. PRISTIQ is an SNRI, or    serotonin-norepinephrine reuptake inhibitor

Is thought to work??  So, they don’t know what causes the depression and they don’t know how or why the medication might work… but, they will prescribe it to you and make you think you will feel better.  Unless you get worse and suicidal, which is one of the numerous side effects….

This is typical doctor crap!  I think the pharmaceutical companies put teachers in the med schools and, instead of teaching how to diagnose an illness, they teach what medication to give for what symptom. I am not joking.

Case in point:  My most recent illness.  I went to the doctor and told her my symptoms.  She said it couldn’t be the flu because it was too late in the year.  (so, I guess that’s a law?) So, she suspected bronchitis and gave me antibiotics.  She didn’t check to see if it was viral or bacterial – if it was viral, antibiotics don’t do a thing.  So why prescribe them? $$$.  They didn’t help.  I went back and by then I had pnuemonia.. so she prescribed a stronger antibiotic.  To which I had a severe reaction… a drug induced lupus, basically.  Which, when I went back in to see her again, she said was a “rare but not unheard of side effect” and as far as she knew “everyone eventually gets over it”.  Wow.  I have been in excruciating pain, unable to sleep or barely even function… they know it can cause this horrible side effect but they prescribe it anyway?!?  .Niiiiice

Doctors and their medications caused my younger sister’s death at the age of only 33.  I can tell you about that, if you’re interested.

So I’ve been going to the herbalist, and I am feeling quite a bit better.  Today is the first day I feel like I might actually feel good again one day, and without pain, hopefully.  I have hope, at least.  I think the pharmaceuticals have us by the throat… think about it.  They tell the insurance companies what they’ll pay for, they tell the doctors what to prescribe..  who knows how far it goes?  The doctor visits, the antibiotics, cost me around $60.00 total.  My cost – so far – for the herbalist is over $250.00… no insurance will cover that.  But can you put a price on your health?

You are invited to my pity party!

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I think I am going to have a nervous breakdown.  Which would be cool, because they’d put me in a small room somewhere other than in my parent’s house, feed me, maybe no one would talk to me, maybe medicate me…. I really don’t see a downside to any of that.

I just feel like I am really really freaking out.  Nothing has changed – which is, of course, the problem.  I don’t know how long we can continue to live with my parents, and yet I see absolutely no end to this.  Well, okay, that’s not entirely true… I see that the end may quite possibly be a year or two down the line… cripes.  I thought, when we moved back, we’d have to stay with my parents for maybe 6 months, tops, while we got back on our feet.  It’s already been 9. 

Not that my parents haven’t been absolutely brilliant about the whole thing.  They haven’t complained, try to give us some space… they actually seem to enjoy having us around.  Weird, right?! I worry that one day the lid will blow and we’ll come to the house to find our few belongings tossed out on the lawn, though.  I mean, really; I’ve lived with my husband, my daughter, and… well… myself a long time now.  We can be pretty freakin’ annoying.

And this is a pathetic thing to admit, but I miss my stuff.  I really miss my stuff.  I went to the storage the other day just to visit it.  I am so not kidding.  Sure, I made a pretense of trying to find a few things, but really, I just wanted to look at it all.  To remind myself I had a normal life once.

My husband is getting really cranky.  I don’t blame him; he’s working one full time job (which is a sucky, hateful kind of job) while he also works trying to get the business off the ground.  I try to help, but I really can’t do much for either.  Of course, he gets mostly crabby with me even tho I am on his side.  Which is irritating.  Things are moving along, but at a snail’s pace.  I have no answers for that.

I am trying to – need to desperately – lose weight.  I have been losing about a pound a week since I started, and I’ve lost over 40 pounds… which is a good start, but I have miles to go.  And this week has been an absolute feeding frenzy for me!  The stress is just getting to me, and I can’t seem to resist the sweets when I am like this.  I even got a breakfast sandwich at McDonald’s this week, and I can’t stand fast food!!  I am losing it here, people!!

Today I was supposed to bake cookies to send with Alan for some ‘going away’ thingie they are having for someone at work.  Which I totally spaced.  And he made me feel like I was this giant disappointment to him for not getting them made.  Geez.  I mean, he totally overreacted; it was so weird.

And I am upset because it’s the last week of school and Kiki is totally blowing it at the end.  She has had a 4.0 all year, and really wanted to keep it… and she’s blown 2 tests and I don’t think she can pull it up now.  Also, I have absolutely nothing for her to do all summer, and with Alan’s work schedule and mine, we haven’t got alot of time to take her here and there.  She auditioned for a play, and today she heard she was not selected.  Which I figured she wouldn’t be (she hasn’t much experience) but I had really held out hope, because she needs something.  Her friends and cousins all have something they do – mostly a sport of some sort, but some do musical stuff – so they all have games or recitals we all go to, and she feels like a loser who does nothing.  She’s not a sporty type of girl, and so it’s harder… it’s not like there are ‘theatre teams’ you can sign them up for!  Not to mention that whole “we are totally broke” deal… so we can’t get her music lessons, or theatre camp, or anything that costs money.  That’s why I was hoping she’d make the cut for the community theater thing, it would have only cost $10.00.  That I could swing.  But, of course not.  I feel like I am totally failing my kid by not getting her into something, but I’m at a loss.

Then there is the whole having friends over deal.  She always wants a friend over, and I dread it.  Because I already have absolutely no alone time, so thinking of pulling someone else in is horrid.  Plus, it’s not our house.  I mean, my parents don’t seem to mind, but I know that they do, a little at least.  And it’s driving me insane.  Quite literally.

Well, it’s time for me to head out to work now.  I guess making a few dollars, however measly, is better than shutting myself in the bathroom and crying, which is what I feel like doing….

How do you tell the truth when the truth hurts?

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With each passing day my podunk little job is getting more and more difficult to deal with.  I work in a family-owned and run business, and most of the people who work there – all women – are family members or friends with each other.  Yeah, you can hardly imagine why that might be a problem, huh?!  It’s not like I am feeling excluded; not at all.  In fact, a bit more of that would be a good thing at this point!  The trouble is that I am finding myself being, I don’t know, the confidant of sorts, the go-between of other people’s issues with one another… and I so don’t wanna be there.

The problem I seem to be facing more and more often – and this is happening outside of work as well – is the following scenario:

Someone comes to me, truly hurt because someone else told them something they didn’t want to hear about themselves.  Something that they totally can’t believe could possibly be true about themselves.  Such as “you are such a huge whiner!”  “you are really mean” “you are obnoxious so much of the time” or, whatever.  (these are all adults, by the way.)  Then this person, who is in tears or nearly, asks me “am I really like that?”  Okay.  Seriously.  How do you answer that question when the answer is “Yes.  Yes you are.” ??  Because this person is already wounded by that other person saying that they are – whatever – and so then what am I supposed to say?  I am beginning to think I am supposed to, somehow, be finding ways to let people know that, yeah, you have a bit of a shortcoming there but I know you’re not a bad person, and you don’t want to be that way….  or, something like that.  Maybe.  Or maybe I should just start poking myself in the eye with a stick.  Quite enjoyable either way, I suppose….

So…. it’s Tuesday

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Yeah.  Which means what?  Nothing.  I haven’t posted in awhile so I just figured I should check in. 

We have been kind of busy trying to get our business up and running.  We had a coupon on one of those online sites, so we were kind of swamped… for about a week.  We are at that spot of trying to figure out how to grow the business quickly when we have no advertising budget.  I haven’t a clue.  And it’s really hard for my husband to be doing the business as well as working his full time (sucky-paying) job.  He’s killing himself off, sort of.  And in reality, he should be using his time that he’s not actually “working” in the field to be drumming up more business.  But, without the sucky-paying job, we couldn’t even pay the small bills we currently have…. It’s a catch-22 situation of sorts.  The reality is that if things don’t change drastically, the business will continue to grow slowly and in a year or so we will have built up enough customer base for him to do that work exclusively.  Which sounds fine until you understand that means him having to work basically 2 full-time jobs for that entire year, as well as the fact we wouldn’t be able to move out into a place of our own for many more months… and it’s been 8 months already, and I am soooo done with this situation!

Sigh.  Why does life have to be so hard?