How is it I never get on this spot any more? I’m not exactly overwhelmed with busy-ness. Just sort of… overwhelmed with life. Good stuff has happened… nothing horrible has happened… but, still. I can’t seem to crawl out from under this heavy, wet blanket of – well, not quite depression, but close. I will come back to talk more later, but now it’s time for me to head off to work. But I had a brief moment, so thought I’d drop by for a quick visit.
All right. I am tired of, well, of myself. My attitude. Yes, it’s true, my life could be better. There are certainly things I would like to be different, and lots of people in my situation would not want to be in said situation.
That being said, my life could also be worse. Now, that in itself is sometimes not incredibly encouraging… I mean, do you tell a person with breast cancer “at least you don’t have brain cancer”? That’d be stupid. I mean, most of us, no matter what our situations, can find someone whose life is better and someone whose life is worse. Because that’s just the way it is. And, your life is your life. I don’t think we feel all warm and fuzzy in our own disappointments and frustrations because someone else is worse off, because we are stuck living our own. Good or bad, our “bad” is our bad.
But, I keep coming back to that whole ‘attitude’ thing. I need to work on improving mine. No matter what might – or might not – change in my life, I need to look at it differently. Part of my life being my life means I am stuck in this one… it’s the only one I’ll get, even if I wish I could go back and make different choices and therefore be on a different path. No matter how bad I’d like to do that, I don’t get to. Here I am, so where do I go from here? I don’t really believe “it’s all up to me and I can have a better life from here on out” because 1) I’m not the only one in my life. Other people in my sphere of life make decisions that effect me, for better or for worse, and I have no control over their choices. 2) There is evil in the world – sickness of mind and of body – and that also I can’t control. It can effect me. So, we are back to that whole attitude thing, aren’t we? I can’t help what happens to me, to a large extent, but I can choose how I react to it.
That’s hard. Really, really hard. I haven’t done very well at this over the last decade or so. To be honest, I am not sure how I can improve, or if I will. But I am going to try. Because the last decade hasn’t been all that enjoyable. There have been good times, but they have been outweighed by the depression I have felt. I want so badly to be done with that! I deserve better!