Category Archives: The Real Me

Help! I need a couple years therapy, and I need to be done tomorrow.

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Sibling rivalry.  Why is it still happening when you are supposed “grown-ups”?  My sister is making me crazy.  Well, crazi-er

If you’ve read my blog for awhile, you know I have a weight problem.  Yeah.  I try not to make my blog about that, but it comes up.  I mean, unfortunately, it’s a big part of my life.  A “big” part… get it?  Hahaha… okay, it’s late.  Gimme a break.

I have a sister who is a couple years older than me.  (I had another sister, a younger one… she passed away a few years back.  I miss her soooo bad.)  So this is probably wrong, but one thing I miss about her is that she was there to complain to about my other sister.  If that makes sense. Well, my “big” sister is driving me nuts.  Part of the problem is that we live in the same town and go to the same church, so we have sort of the same circle of friends. This is not a good thing.  I really, really need a new group.

Anyway, a few months back, a couple friends of mine (of ours) started a sort of “weight loss Bible study”.   Most of us in this group have a weight problem… except my sister.  Who is skinny.  Seriously – I think she wears a size 2.  She’s sick.  Or makes me sick… Anyway… I really don’t know why she is in this study, except that she probably doesn’t want me to be getting closer to these friends than she is.  I wish I was making this up!  I mean, I don’t think she consciously thinks of this stuff, but she simply has to be involved in everything.  It’s ridiculous. Every week it gets worse… that is, I get crankier and crankier with the stuff she says and just the fact of her being there… in my weight loss group.  In her size 2 pants.  And being cranky is what a Bible study is all about, right?  So then I have to feel guilty about my attitude…

This week she decided to show us how to make her kind of food… she is on this “all raw” “vegan” diet… yeah.  Whatever.  Poor thing just has such a food problem, yeah?!

I just want to figure out how to get through a day without eating a dozen cookies or a pint of Ben and Jerrys.

She does NOT get it.  And I can’t figure out how to explain it to her.

It felt like serving drinks to an alcoholic

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Which is wrong. Totally wrong. And that is how it felt today.

 See, I work in a little boutique clothing store (and if you knew me really well, you would be on the floor laughing hysterically right now.  Yeah. I am so not a fashionista; it’s really not the right job for me.) However, that’s not the point. We have this customer who is from, uhm, I can’t remember… an Eastern European country. She speaks very little English.  Anyway, I waited on her last week, and it was kind of weird… she paid in cash, removed all the tags right there at the counter, wouldn’t let me bag it, and didn’t want her reciept.  Well, it turns out she’s a shopaholic and a hoarder – her family has even staged an intervention of sorts (which, aparently, didn’t work).  Her husband cut her off financially, so she got a job, cashes her paychecks, and goes shopping. (We are a small, locally-owned store; we know stuff about our customers that other big, chain-store employees probably wouldn’t know!) Well, she came in again today.  She bought several items; paid cash, cut off the tags.  Picked up some more stuff; paid cash, cut off the tags, stuffed it all into a huge purse/bag thingie she also was buying.  This went on about half a dozen times, until she ran out of cash and started using the credit card.  You know, last time I just thought it was weird, but now that I know the story?  Well, it just seemed so wrong! I wanted to tell her “Please, just stop!  Just go home, quit spending money on this stuff!”  But, that isn’t my place, is it.  No, as much as I wanted to, my job is to smile and serve the customer.

What would you do?

My 50th birthday ~ it was actually a pretty good day

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First off, I think birthdays should always be on Sunday.  I mean, pretty much everyone has that day off… I know, not everyone, but most folks in my circle, anyway.  The day started off with church, which is always a good way to start.  The service we go to isn’t super early, so I don’t mind – too terribly – getting out of bed.  I also have a big group of my ‘peeps’ to sit with, so even on days like yesterday when Alan is in the coffeebar and therefore goes to early service instead, I don’t have to sit alone.  Not that I’d hate that, I’m a big girl and sit by myself just fine… but it’s more fun to sit with my friends.

After church we went boating with some other friends.  We went to a small reservoir nestled in the sagebrush covered hills of southern Idaho.  You drive up Freeze Out Hill then past Frozen Dog Road – I’m so not making this up!!  Funny stuff, this place I live in. The hills are dry and the grass is brown, so they look like beige velvet.  The sky was as blue as you can imagine, with huge puffy white clouds piled up over the Boise Mountain range in the distance.  It just so darn beautiful here! I was careful to wear sunscreen as that stupid medicine is still in my body messing things up, one of which is causing me to burn easily. The kids all got to try waterskiing and tubing and had an absolute blast.  (I used to adore waterskiing, but it’s been over 20 years and 100 pounds ago – I was afraid I’d hurt something if I tried it!)  Maybe next summer….  I’m irritated because I forgot to take my camera!  I did find one pic online that sort of gives an idea of the area we were in, but doesn’t really do it justice –

Anyway, we had a fabulous time!  We had to rush home from there (about a 45 min. drive, thru the town we used to live in, which made me really miss it!) take about 15 minutes to change clothes, try to do something with our hair to not look all wind-tousled, then head over to my sister’s for my birthday party.  It was actually more of a tea than a party… that just sounded nicer to me!  My sister has a real talent for design and decorating, so it looked amazing.  We had lots of goodies and jabbering… how can you beat that??

So, all in all, since I had no real choice in the matter of turning 50, it was still a good day when all was said and done.  I guess I can continue to push forward, one day at a time.

On becoming 50 – it’s NOT “just a number” – it’s mileage on the odometer

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Tomorrow is my birthday. I will be 50 years old.  50. Years. Old.  Half a century this life of mine has lasted so far. I cannot tell you how utterly depressed I am about this.  Now, people will say “it’s only a number” or “you are only as old as you feel” (in which case, I guess I’m about 85….) but I say, that’s a load of crap.

My car is getting on in years… that is, mileage.  It’s only about 8 years old, but in a day or so, depending on how much driving I do tomorrow,  the odometer will read 130,000 miles. That’s a lot of road wear.  My car is a good car.  She’s dependably taken me across the country and back.  She’s taken me here, there, everywhere.  I really like my car.  But guess what?  She no longer looks new.  I’ve tried to take the best care of her I could, but stuff happens. The car wasn’t new when I bought it, so it didn’t come to me ‘perfect’. There are rock chips in the windshield; scratches on the sides where my nephew scraped his bike against her; scratches on the doors where my sister’s in-laws’ dog spent the better part of a day jumping in and out of an open window when I let my sis borrow my car for a trip; a dent in the top back where I tried to back out of my garage before I had the garage door all the way up (oops) …. these are the marks of a life lived.  So, no one can say “130,000 miles, well, that’s just a number”  because, no, it’s not.  It’s a record of how far my car has gone.

That, I think, is the real problem.  How far have I gone?? Yeah, well, I’m 50 years old and I live with my parents.  50 years old and I am 100 pounds overweight.  50 years old and my horsie hopes and dreams seem to be a thing of the past. 50 years old and…. sigh.  I haven’t gotten very far at all in this life – at least that’s how it feels.  Actually, in some ways it feels as though I’ve been drug down the road for about 130,000 miles – and have the scars to prove it – but like I’ve just been going in circles. 50 might be “a number” but it’s really a milestone… and right now I’m not loving the road it’s marking.

Musings and mutterings… and fry sauce

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Having spent so much time sick and laying around, I’ve had a lot of time to think.  This isn’t always a good thing, depending on what sort of direction my thoughts take.  But I’ve had good and bad.  I’ve been thinking how weird it is that I am at the same time happy and content and yet depressed and stressed.  Okay, I’m not really depressed – been there, done that – this is more, uhm, feeling blue I guess.  A little down. 

Part of it is probably being sick.  It’s been more than a month and I am still just utterly exhausted.  I don’t feel up to doing much of anything (and haven’t been doing, at all). I did strip the paint off of a vintage vanity I am going to repaint and sell… but now it’s just sitting there… waiting…      Mostly I’ve been reading.  I am reading the “Number 1 Ladies Detective Agency” series.  I love them; light reading, fun, and gives a little insight to life in another country.  I feel guilty, though, since my parents are 80 now and do so much more than I do – especially my mom, who is like the energizer bunny.  My sister and I inherited absolutely NONE of that trait from her – how is that possible??

This week Kiki has been in theatre camp.  She got a pretty big part (the Wicked Witch; they are doing Wizard of Oz) and last night was the first show.  I was really proud of her, as she remembered all her lines and was one of the few who I thought really “acted” as opposed to just saying their lines… she was good!  The only part she needs to do better is her one solo song – she sings beautifully, but waaaay too quietly for “theater”….  couldn’t hardly hear her.  She has two more shows today; we will see if she can pull off a bit more volume.  In dress rehearsal, Dorothy hit her in the forehead with the heavy wooden bucket while she was pretending to douse her with water, so she has a big ol’ lump on her forehead.  At last night’s performance (not yet knowing about the bucket incident) I thought they’d given her a “wart” on her forehead, lol!  Kiki was not amused.  She’s pretty nervous today even though last night went so well.

I think – okay, I know – I am really stressed about my life.  We have now lived with my parents for a year.  (we had figured 3 months, 6 months tops) That is insanity waiting to happen, don’t you think?! I NEED my own home, and now. Yet I don’t see that happening for… ikes, I don’t know.  As I am tottering on the brink of becoming 50 years old, I wonder if I have ever accomplished anything in this life that counts. 

It seems strange to be on both sides of the fence at the same time…. how is that even possible?  Happy and sad?  Fine yet completely discontent?  Maybe I am just coming unhinged and don’t know if I’m coming or going… that is totally possible.

Then there is the weight loss.  I have now lost 50 pounds.  You’d think that’d be a good thing, and it is.  Yet, when you have as much to lose as I do, it’s a drop in the bucket… I mean, to lose that much poundage and still be obese is just wrong, y’ know?  I feel great that I’ve lost all that weight, yet I look at myself and think “crud….still fat”.  I am not exaggerating… I still can’t buy clothes in the regular section of a store – yesterday found me at Lane Bryant once again.  There is a list of reasons I hate having to shop there; not the least of which is that it is too freakin’ expensive.  A regular old shirt is like $50.!  Stupid. I bought 2 things off the super-marked-down rack, and only because I was told I have to wear nicer tops to work… boss doesn’t like my t-shirts, I guess.  Sheesh.  It’s hard to find fat-lady clothes that don’t scream “look at me, I’m fat”… “and old”.   In my opinion.  I have to keep telling myself “I am 1/3 of the way there”… and when I put on last summer’s shorts and they practically fell off… well, that was a happy moment!

I wish at some point in my life I had done something…. big.  Run off to Paris.  Had a wild fling.  Joined the foreign legion.  I don’t know.  Something… interesting.  I’m too much of a goody-goody girl.  It’s buried so deep in my DNA that I will probably never do anything like that.

Fry sauce.  I love fry sauce.  I’d nearly forgotten, being over in Virginia where they’ve never heard of it.  Then being on a diet where french fries are kind of a thing of the past.  But!  Yesterday after the play, Kiki wanted a milkshake.  We drove thru a little local joint we’d never been to before (the theater is on the opposite end of town from where we normally are) and not only did we get milkshakes (hers, Oreo; mine, chocolate-peanut butter; YUM!) but we decided we’d also share some fries, and the girl asked if we wanted fry sauce – heck yeah!!  SO-STINKIN’-GOOD!!  happy happy happy

Summer’s NOT supposed to be about feeling sorry for yourself!

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And yet, I am.  Why?  Well, my first full, free, whole week of actual summer vacation and I have spend the entire week sick in bed! I don’t just mean not feeling well, I am talking full-on please-let-me-die-to-be-out-of-this-misery sick.  After one false start at the doctors (“well, it’s too late to be flu, hmm, lets just assume it’s bronchitis, here – take this”)  I returned 4 days later to tell the doc I didn’t feel one smidge better and perhaps a true diagnosis ought to be made and such…and what do you know?  Tests were done, xrays taken… I have stupid, stinkin’ pnuemonia! What’s annoying is that if she’d done the tests earlier, I’d probably feel all better by now – because she prescribed me a much stronger antibiotic and after having taken just one dose, I already feel better, and haven’t run a fever all day.  (I’ve been running a fever between 101 and 103 all week).  I can’t sleep for having to hear myself breathe (it’s all crackles and pops and crunckles…. like Rice Crispies! not much snapping, that’d be a weird sound to hear from your lungs, eh?) And really annoying to listen to.

Kiki’s friend arrived from Alaska today.  Yeah, we are hosting a visitor and I am on death’s door… how do these things work out? I haven’t even made an appearance yet – I am so afraid of giving anyone cooties!  I mean, my parents are here, and Alan is home now… it’s not like I’ve left the kids to their lonesome or anything; but Kiki just came in and informed me it’s “really weird” that I haven’t said hello to her friend yet.  Well, I’ve never claimed to be anything besides “really weird”, so I guess that works for me!  I am praying things take a huge turn for much much better in the morning!

You are invited to my pity party!

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I think I am going to have a nervous breakdown.  Which would be cool, because they’d put me in a small room somewhere other than in my parent’s house, feed me, maybe no one would talk to me, maybe medicate me…. I really don’t see a downside to any of that.

I just feel like I am really really freaking out.  Nothing has changed – which is, of course, the problem.  I don’t know how long we can continue to live with my parents, and yet I see absolutely no end to this.  Well, okay, that’s not entirely true… I see that the end may quite possibly be a year or two down the line… cripes.  I thought, when we moved back, we’d have to stay with my parents for maybe 6 months, tops, while we got back on our feet.  It’s already been 9. 

Not that my parents haven’t been absolutely brilliant about the whole thing.  They haven’t complained, try to give us some space… they actually seem to enjoy having us around.  Weird, right?! I worry that one day the lid will blow and we’ll come to the house to find our few belongings tossed out on the lawn, though.  I mean, really; I’ve lived with my husband, my daughter, and… well… myself a long time now.  We can be pretty freakin’ annoying.

And this is a pathetic thing to admit, but I miss my stuff.  I really miss my stuff.  I went to the storage the other day just to visit it.  I am so not kidding.  Sure, I made a pretense of trying to find a few things, but really, I just wanted to look at it all.  To remind myself I had a normal life once.

My husband is getting really cranky.  I don’t blame him; he’s working one full time job (which is a sucky, hateful kind of job) while he also works trying to get the business off the ground.  I try to help, but I really can’t do much for either.  Of course, he gets mostly crabby with me even tho I am on his side.  Which is irritating.  Things are moving along, but at a snail’s pace.  I have no answers for that.

I am trying to – need to desperately – lose weight.  I have been losing about a pound a week since I started, and I’ve lost over 40 pounds… which is a good start, but I have miles to go.  And this week has been an absolute feeding frenzy for me!  The stress is just getting to me, and I can’t seem to resist the sweets when I am like this.  I even got a breakfast sandwich at McDonald’s this week, and I can’t stand fast food!!  I am losing it here, people!!

Today I was supposed to bake cookies to send with Alan for some ‘going away’ thingie they are having for someone at work.  Which I totally spaced.  And he made me feel like I was this giant disappointment to him for not getting them made.  Geez.  I mean, he totally overreacted; it was so weird.

And I am upset because it’s the last week of school and Kiki is totally blowing it at the end.  She has had a 4.0 all year, and really wanted to keep it… and she’s blown 2 tests and I don’t think she can pull it up now.  Also, I have absolutely nothing for her to do all summer, and with Alan’s work schedule and mine, we haven’t got alot of time to take her here and there.  She auditioned for a play, and today she heard she was not selected.  Which I figured she wouldn’t be (she hasn’t much experience) but I had really held out hope, because she needs something.  Her friends and cousins all have something they do – mostly a sport of some sort, but some do musical stuff – so they all have games or recitals we all go to, and she feels like a loser who does nothing.  She’s not a sporty type of girl, and so it’s harder… it’s not like there are ‘theatre teams’ you can sign them up for!  Not to mention that whole “we are totally broke” deal… so we can’t get her music lessons, or theatre camp, or anything that costs money.  That’s why I was hoping she’d make the cut for the community theater thing, it would have only cost $10.00.  That I could swing.  But, of course not.  I feel like I am totally failing my kid by not getting her into something, but I’m at a loss.

Then there is the whole having friends over deal.  She always wants a friend over, and I dread it.  Because I already have absolutely no alone time, so thinking of pulling someone else in is horrid.  Plus, it’s not our house.  I mean, my parents don’t seem to mind, but I know that they do, a little at least.  And it’s driving me insane.  Quite literally.

Well, it’s time for me to head out to work now.  I guess making a few dollars, however measly, is better than shutting myself in the bathroom and crying, which is what I feel like doing….

Spring time in Idaho

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I love the Spring in Idaho.  You never know what you’re going to get!  One morning you wake up and the sun is shining, the birds are singing, it’s warm enough for a short-sleeved tshirt.  Then the wind kicks up, the clouds roll in, the rain starts… sometimes it might even snow.  And that was all just yesterday!  Two days ago it was in the 80’s, and today we’ll be lucky if it hits 60.  But I’m fine with that… summer comes soon enough, and with it the blazing hot days… so I’ll take whatever spring wants to dish out for now.

Springtime also brings new color to our little corner of the world.  Growing up in Southern California, I didn’t appreciate the colors of spring, because we pretty much had it year ’round.  Here though, I notice each and every new shoot and new leaf that pops up – after all, we’ve just been through the long brown and grey of winter, and color is deeply desired!  It’s also time for babies – ducks and geese are all over the open irrigation canals we have here, and since we still have sections of rural living the fields are full of calves and lambs, and even the occasional foal.

 

 

Spring also brings the promise of long, lazy summer days, as well as the promise of the end of homeschooling for another year!  Yay!  No way are we one of these “year-round homeschooling families”… geez, crazy people!  I want a break every bit as much as my child does!