Category Archives: Mental & Physical Health (or the lack thereof)

I’m about ready to throw in the homeschooling towel

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I am so not kidding.  Kiki and I have been traveling this road since 1st grade, and for the most part it’s been a good experience. 3rd grade was hard; there was more than one day that books sailed thru the air (that was Kiki – I didn’t throw books!!) I did think of throwing her out the window a time or twenty… then I found ‘bribery’ and school days took a big turn for the better!  Yep – I remembered her PreK and Kindergarten teachers had “prize boxes” for good behavior, and I thought “Hey!  Why can’t I make that work for me?!”  hehehe 

Well, now she’s in 8th grade.  Every day is a fight, and I am running out of steam.  She is totally non-self-starting, even though all the other moms and teachers tell me it’s time to make her do it mostly on her own… yeah.  Right.  She’d be getting straight F’s in that case.  I think I’ve written here that we don’t do a “normal” homeschool… we do a co-op where there are teachers who provide the curriculum and lesson plans, who teach it on Tuesdays and Thursdays, and we do school at home M-W-F.  That’s part of the problem, really.  When we started this group, it was more loosely organized, and we had most of the flexibility of regular homeschooling, plus the benefits of our kids spending some time in a school with other teachers and other kids.  Over the years, however, the school has morphed many times (we are on our 5th principal in the 8 years time we’ve been there) and now it’s really become “private-school-that-we-have-to-do-3-days-a-week-at-home.”  There is no real flexibility in what we as parents want to do or not do with the curriculum, we have to have pre-planned abscences and are only allowed a certain amount, on and on… you know, regular school stuff, but not really regular homeschool stuff. 

Kiki is also quite unhappy in school this year.  Sure, most of it is bad attitude because her best friends didn’t come back to the school this year and she doesn’t want to be there without them – even tho there are other kids she can hang with, and it’s only 2 days a week –  but on the other hand, she has one girl in particular who picks on her almost every day for how she’s dressed or how her hair is done or whatever pops into her head, I guess.  That isn’t cool.

The outcome is that each and every day we do school here at home, it’s a big fight.  She hates it, she doesn’t get it, she doesn’t want to go to school there…   And on classroom days, she cries and doesn’t want to go…. uhg.  I am so, so done with it all!

The problem is, I don’t really know where to go from here.  Public school?  Not in this lifetime.  Private school?  No way I can afford it. Regular homeschooling?  Yeah, we tried that in Virginia.  We basically didn’t do school for a year, so that won’t work.

 What I really need is a vacation.  All alone.  Somewhere warm and ocean-y.  With alchoholic beverages. For a long, long time.

 

Yesterday was a remarkable day – new jeans and all

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Honestly! First, I went to the store to buy a new pair of jeans. Which, of course, is a despised sort of thing for me to do. But as my old pair was ripping in the inner thigh, it had to be done.  Yeah, that’s right.  I only buy new pants when I absolutely am in danger of ripping out of an old pair – don’t judge!

Anyhow, the good news is this – the pair I bought was a size smaller!  Yay me!  Better yet, I also bought myself a new shirt – and it came from the non-fat-lady section of the store!!  That’s right, I got to buy clothing in the normal-sized-clothes area! Sure, it’s a t-shirt, so it’s stretchy… possibly a blouse type of deal would not fit me, but hey – I am gonna celebrate the XL, anyway!

(this is where I do the happy dance…)

Then the 2nd amazing thing happened.  I made dinner.  From scratch. 

Okay, for a whole lot of people – woman and wives especially – that’s like “whoopdi freakin doo” I suppose… but for me?  I don’t cook.  I despise cooking.  Baking, sure.  I love to bake and I do it alot.  But not cooking.  The “whys” are long and involved, and that might be a post for another day… suffice it to say it’s a rare day when I make dinner.  When I do, I have a couple things I like to make.  The one I made last night is “Dinner in a Pumpkin’.  Yeah, it’s an autumn kinda thing.  I really like it.  And I think my family did too!

Will flute lessons be the death of me?

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Urgh.  Today is Kiki’s first flute lesson.  The problem?  I forgot to buy her lesson book.  I have this really bad issue lately of not being able to plan ahead at all.  I am barely capable of taking one day at a time.  Now, “one day at a time” might be a good mantra for dealing with the emotional stress of life, but it doesn’t work very well for getting things done

The dang flute has already cost me the better part of an entire month’s pay.  Granted, I work 10 hours a week, so I don’t exactly rake in the big bucks, but still, it’s all I have for any extras.  As you can imagine, “extras” this month have been slim to none.  I am already going to have to ask my mom if she’ll pay the whole lesson fee this month because I can’t afford my agreed-upon half.  Then the teacher emailed me the name of the lesson book Kiki will need.  Crap.  Of course she’ll need a book; I would’ve known that if I’d thought about it… but I didn’t.  Think.  Well, the teacher said they carry them at the same place we had the flute repaired, so since I waited to the last minute I made this great plan – swing by the music store on the way to lessons, no big deal.  And it is almost “on the way”.  The wrench in this “well thought out” plan?   The music store is open Tuesday thru Saturday.  This is Monday.  Crap.  So I’m looking in the phone book for any other near-by music store, and I find one that is as close to “on the way” as the other – yay!  Except when I call, they don’t have the book I need.  Crap. I make other calls, and I finally find the book – all the way across town.  Well, all the way across the next town over…  and Alan has given me strict instructions not to drive any extra miles for the next week and a half because we are broke broke broke.  And my car is a gas hog. Crap.

She has to have the book.  I am going to have to drive across town to get it.  Across two towns.  If I was lucky – and clearly, I am not  – Scott would be at work and he’d be none the wiser.  But no.  Of course this is his day off.  I hope he doesn’t ask too many questions… I am not going to offer up any more explanations than he directly asks for!

Must’ve been a Murphy’s Law kinda thing

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In my last post I said I would try to look at the good things, the positive things going on in my life.

 So, it was just a few minutes later that Kiki and I managed to dump a glass of water over my laptop.  Yeah.  Then there was a big sizzle and that was that.  I sort of had a meltdown then.  Really.  As in, I scared myself because I freaked out so bad about it.  Yup.  It was bad. Fetal position on the bed.  Doubly bad (is that proper grammar?) because all the information for our business is on our laptop.  All my photos. Our life. 

Well, Alan saved my bacon… oooh, bacon… yummm…  oh!  I’m back – anyway, he fixed it.  So far, so good.  I still worry about it. 

But I’m okay now!  Not in a straight-jacket or anything… although I’m pretty sure I may be headed that way.

However…. Back to the dog – So, my dog is a good dog.  Totally well-behaved.  Never does anything naughty.  She’s kinda dumb, but sweet.  My parents’ dog, however, is another story.  He is like a 3 year old toddler.  As in, a pain in the boot-ay. 

He likes bread. Okay, he likes all food, but bread is the one thing he’ll steal out of the pantry.  If we don’t shut the pantry door when we leave chances are that when we get home we’ll find empty bread bags on the floor.  I guess we should just be thankful he doesn’t eat the plastic bags, huh? Well, the other day my parents both left, but I was home on the computer.  Now, I would’ve guessed that the dog lays around, bored, and after some length of time gets bored enough that he starts wondering “hmmm, is there any bread?”  It would seem I was wrong, because the second that my folks walked out the door, I heard a rustling in the pantry, and when I looked up, here came the dog with a brand new bag of bagels in his mouth!  The best part was the look on his face when I yelled at him!  Oh my gosh, it was hilarious – that deer-in-the-headlights look because he had absolutely no idea that anyone was home!!    Busted!!

Yeah.  That was a good day.

                         Good Dog.

              Bad Dog.

Looking for perspective and gratefulness

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All right. I am tired of, well, of myself. My attitude.  Yes, it’s true, my life could be better.  There are certainly things I would like to be different, and lots of people in my situation would not want to be in said situation.

That being said, my life could also be worse.  Now, that in itself is sometimes not incredibly encouraging… I mean, do you tell a person with breast cancer “at least you don’t have brain cancer”?  That’d be stupid.  I mean, most of us, no matter what our situations, can find someone whose life is better and someone whose life is worse.  Because that’s just the way it is.  And, your life is your life.  I don’t think we feel all warm and fuzzy in our own disappointments and frustrations because someone else is worse off,  because we are stuck living our own.  Good or bad, our “bad” is our bad. 

But, I keep coming back to that whole ‘attitude’ thing.  I need to work on improving mine.  No matter what might – or might not – change in my life, I need to look at it differently.  Part of my life being my life means I am stuck in this one… it’s the only one I’ll get, even if I wish I could go back and make different choices and therefore be on a different path.  No matter how bad I’d like to do that, I don’t get to.  Here I am, so where do I go from here?  I don’t really believe “it’s all up to me and I can have a better life from here on out” because  1) I’m not the only one in my life.  Other people in my sphere of life make decisions that effect me, for better or for worse, and I have no control over their choices.  2) There is evil in the world – sickness of mind and of body – and that also I can’t control.  It can effect me.  So, we are back to that whole attitude thing, aren’t we? I can’t help what happens to me, to a large extent, but I can choose how I react to it.

That’s hard.  Really, really hard.  I haven’t done very well at this over the last decade or so.  To be honest, I am not sure how I can improve, or if I will.  But I am going to try.  Because the last decade hasn’t been all that enjoyable.  There have been good times, but they have been outweighed by the depression I have felt.  I want so badly to be done with that!  I deserve better!

If the USA (and maybe the whole world) is going to hell in a handbasket – should I really waste time trying to lose weight??

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I think there is too much news-watching and political-talk-show watching going on around my house.  Seriously.  Because it seems like everyone around here is talking about how this is the end of life as we know it and related horrid stuff.  Which I really don’t want to hear. Or think about.  You know, I have really been hoping our business is going to take off and we will eventually make more money, get to have our own home, finally take our kid to Disneyland (for the first time in her 14 years…) You know, that we can go back to living the American Dream.  So, what if that’s never going to happen?  What if the crazies down on Wall Street succeed in turning our country into some socialist/communist country?  (Even tho every one of those people I have heard interviewed doesn’t even seem to know what they’re doing down there… just a bunch of unhappy morons.) Or we have to live as Muslims? Or China takes us over in some military coup or something?

I don’t try to worry about this crap.  I try to thinkhappy thoughts of how my life is going to turn around one day, and I will quit being miserable (Yeah, I know, it’s a state of mind.  I moved out of that state.) or, at least, I will live in my own home with my own stuff and be slightly happier.  But what if the paranoids are correct?  What if our country has only got 15 or so more years before we go down the drain, as other countries have?  What does that mean to my child?  That she’ll never have a good life? 

I don’t know why this is upsetting me so much, except maybe because I am so unhappy about my life situation right now, and the one thing that makes me feel a little better is sweet, sweet sugary food, and yet I am trying so hard to give that stuff up so I won’t be all fat and unhealthy.  So that , when life turns around and gets better I will look better! But what if that’s never gonna happen?  Should I just keep eating, and therefore feeling happy in those brief, sugar-filled moments?

Sigh.  Some pundit is on TV as I write, and I just don’t want to hear it.  I think I will leave the house.  And maybe go buy a donut.

I think it’s nap time

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Uh, no.  I don’t have a baby.  Or even a toddler.  I’m talking about me I need a nap.  I was going to do something… I don’t know, worthwhile today.  Or, get something accomplished.  But the whole family is out of the house and I’m thinking… it’s raining, I’m tired… forget something worthwhile, I’m taking a nap!

What’s the deal?

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I’m so sorry for my sporadic posts.  When I first started blogging… years ago!… I was pretty good about writing a little something every day.  Then – well, there were life changes and blog site changes and on and on…. and it just sort of fell by the wayside.  Partly it’s due to the fact I don’t have a good place to get on my computer.  Which now seems like a lame excuse, since I have a laptop, I mean, I could take it anywhere…. but here at home, my parents really think time on the computer is time wasted, so unless I want to sit in my room on my bed and type, I feel like I’m observed and judged.  Guess I should schedule a daily SBUX run with the computer… but then I have to explain where I’m going… geez, I hate feeling like a kid again! Another reason for not posting is my daily struggle with that dark cloud of depression.  I mean, I’m okay enough to realize y’all probably don’t want to hear one long whiny rant after another (like the one about my sister!  Ooh, and I have some insight on that issue… more on that later). But on the other hand, I feel like I have more to complain about than to gush about…. which is probably untrue but there’s that depression talking!  And now, to be completely truthful, there is one more reason.  I think… I mean, probably… yeah, it’s true…. that when I first started blogging I hoped I’d get all sorts of followers and that my blog would become popular and maybe I’d even get some ads on it eventually and become rich and famous.  I’ll admit it.  I wanted that.  And at first, when I was over at my other server site and started, I was actually featured – like a “fresh pressed” here on WP, and I was getting a few people reading… but, then, it never really happened.  You know?  So I think there is a disappointment attached to my blogging life.  Which is weird, I suppose… here you are, writing about your personal stuff, and you hope a ton of people read it.  That’s kind of strange when you think about it.  I should be writing about… I don’t know, weird cakes or cats or something and maybe it would’ve worked better.  Maybe I was just hoping for a little – help?  People to say I’m not as crazy as I feel?  That I’m not alone in a world of billions?

Hmm.  I don’t know.  I wish I had more answers than questions.  And my life really isn’t all that horrid when I put it in perspective, but that can be hard some days.  I know you understand that, right?

Well, it’s a beautiful day here – the sun is shining, I think the temp is going to be over 45 degrees today (yeah, it went from the hot 80’s one week to downright freezing here!) but this week is supposed to be ‘real’ autumn weather (like, 60’s and 70’s) and that is one thing I love.  Pretty, colorful, crunchy leaves to walk through.  Crisp air.  Yumm.  Have a lovely weekend!

On further introspection, I guess I just need “sister issue” therapy.

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So, I guess I just have issues with my sister.  And I have no idea how to deal with her it. Honestly, she is a good person, and I know she loves me. I love her.  And it would really grieve her if she knew how upset I am with her.  Obviously, it’s not just the weight-loss group thing; I think it’s years of pent-up irritation.  I don’t want to sit here and list everything I am angry about – I really don’t want to rip into her like that.  She can just tend to be really self-centered and self-absorbed.  Now, that’s not just this sister in me talking… my husband will complain about her for those exact reasons.  She’s the kind of person, who, if a homeless woman was talking to her about how hard it is to be destitute, and how she is tired of living in a shelter, and can’t buy shoes for her child, my sister would say “Oh, I know exactly how you feel!  Once, we were so poor, I couldn’ t buy lattes for an entire year!” So. Not. Kidding.  I don’t think she is trying to be a jerk – I think, somehow, in her mind, she is trying to empathize.  But, sometimes I feel like maybe she really does think her life is just as hard as anyones… which, okay, we all have our burdens to bear, but I don’t think hers have been all that horrid.  The rub is that if I brought it up to her, she would be all upset and not believe it. Do you know, she once said, in so many words, that she knew exactly how I felt about my husband’s affair, because her husband is kind of a workaholic, therefore his “other woman” is his job, and actually, my husband’s affair “only” lasted 2 years, and her husband has been giving his all at work for much longer than that – forgive me for saying so, but I do NOT think that is comparable!! 

So this is just me, venting.  Because it is so much better if I let off some steam here rather than hissing at my sister.  I just try to let it go… but maybe after all these years the ‘stuffing place’ is full up!  I can’t change her; I guess I need to find out a better way to get over it.  HI HO hi ho back to therapy I go…

Help! I need a couple years therapy, and I need to be done tomorrow.

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Sibling rivalry.  Why is it still happening when you are supposed “grown-ups”?  My sister is making me crazy.  Well, crazi-er

If you’ve read my blog for awhile, you know I have a weight problem.  Yeah.  I try not to make my blog about that, but it comes up.  I mean, unfortunately, it’s a big part of my life.  A “big” part… get it?  Hahaha… okay, it’s late.  Gimme a break.

I have a sister who is a couple years older than me.  (I had another sister, a younger one… she passed away a few years back.  I miss her soooo bad.)  So this is probably wrong, but one thing I miss about her is that she was there to complain to about my other sister.  If that makes sense. Well, my “big” sister is driving me nuts.  Part of the problem is that we live in the same town and go to the same church, so we have sort of the same circle of friends. This is not a good thing.  I really, really need a new group.

Anyway, a few months back, a couple friends of mine (of ours) started a sort of “weight loss Bible study”.   Most of us in this group have a weight problem… except my sister.  Who is skinny.  Seriously – I think she wears a size 2.  She’s sick.  Or makes me sick… Anyway… I really don’t know why she is in this study, except that she probably doesn’t want me to be getting closer to these friends than she is.  I wish I was making this up!  I mean, I don’t think she consciously thinks of this stuff, but she simply has to be involved in everything.  It’s ridiculous. Every week it gets worse… that is, I get crankier and crankier with the stuff she says and just the fact of her being there… in my weight loss group.  In her size 2 pants.  And being cranky is what a Bible study is all about, right?  So then I have to feel guilty about my attitude…

This week she decided to show us how to make her kind of food… she is on this “all raw” “vegan” diet… yeah.  Whatever.  Poor thing just has such a food problem, yeah?!

I just want to figure out how to get through a day without eating a dozen cookies or a pint of Ben and Jerrys.

She does NOT get it.  And I can’t figure out how to explain it to her.