Category Archives: Just another day in the life

Chillin’ on a Sunday

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So, we had shawarma again… okay, actually, I had falafel, but Kiki and Alan had shawarma. I kind of thought that if we are going to keep eating at this restaurant, I should branch out a little and try some other menu items.

It was fantastic. Even tho it had pickled beets in it which are not on my list of “foods I love”… it was still really good. But the best part was that right after we sat down, some friends of ours showed up there as well! One of those unique and unusual families that not only do Alan and I love the parents but they have teen girls Kiki’s age who she loves, so it was a totally fun lunch.

The day fell apart after that. We went to the mall, just for kicks, and Kiki tried on pants that were way too small so of course she decided she’s completely fat, then she got her eyebrows … uhm … I forget what you call it … threaded, I think; but anyway they took off too much so of course like I moron I was like “whoa, they nearly made your face bald” so of course she burst into tears – I am just mean like that.

I was looking at the most adorable baby girl in church today. Alan turned to me and said “no, you can’t have one.” He’s the mean one! It made me sad in a way, remembering back on the fun times I had with my little girl, who is growing up so fast… and who is a raging ball of teen-girl hormones that is often quite imcompatible with my peri-menopausal hormones.  Maybe I should be feeling sorry for my husband who has to live with us both!

I was probably cranky to begin with because I think it’s ridiculous that a 15 year old thinks she needs her eyebrows done (she’s not a hairy girl or anything) and I didn’t want to take her to do it but daddy spoils her rotten… sigh

We got home and had a bit of a tiff, she and I. I hate that. We very rarely have those mom-teenager-battles, and they make my tummy hurt. And make me angry. And worried.

I should’ve gone for a walk. I wanted to eat chocolate. (thank goodness we didn’t have any!) I did lay down on my bed for 20 minutes.

Then we watched some TV;  maybe we will go watch something on Netflix…

It’s better now, but I swear having a teenager is probably taking years off my life!

Random thoughts on a lazy Sunday

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 Is it weird that I would drive my kid a half-hour across town so she can spend a few hours watching movies with a friend? Do other parents do this? I feel bad that she doesn’t have friends in the neighborhood like I did when I was a kid… she doesn’t really have friends in our town at all. She also has no siblings to play with. So, I drove her 30 minutes to the next town over to spend the evening with a friend (who, fortunately, is slightly older and has a license so she will drive Kiki home after, so I don’t have to make the trip twice.)

I’ve also spent a lot of time recently driving her a half-hour the other direction to participate in a new theater group. Acting is something she loves doing but hasn’t had a lot of opportunity to participate in, so when she actually got a part after auditioning I couldn’t deny her the chance to do it… but, she rehearses 3 days a week in another town so off we go again! I wish my car got better mileage (17mpg on a good day).  On those days, I spend 3 hours hanging out in a coffeehouse reading or on my computer because I don’t want to make the drive twice – so I just wait out there while she’s rehearsing. I wish I had a friend in that town to hang out with; that’d be more fun!

Last night she had a song to sing in a special fundraising event. She was asked rather last minute, didn’t have time to practice much, and didn’t do very well. After her song, we went outside and she sobbed. Poor kid. It’s so hard to be a mom! I didn’t even want to go watch her, because I had a feeling it wasn’t going to go very well. A couple of very nice folks came up while I was comforting her and told her she had done a fine job, and there will never be another first time, so it will get easier. That helped, and I sure appreciated those people’s words.

It’s been unseasonably cold here for Autumn. That’s kind of bumming me out, because Fall is my absolute favorite season but it almost feels like winter out. It also seems like the cold and wind is making the leaves fall faster than normal, so we won’t get to enjoy the colors as long. Supposedly it’s going to warm up a bit this week; that’d be nice.

My poor orange kitty seems to be a bit “off” the last few days… I wish I could afford to take him to the vet, just to make sure he’s okay before it would turn into anything serious. Unfortunately, I probably can’t talk my husband into this unless it turns into something serious. I hate that.

It seems like we will never get out of this financial hole we are in. Everytime things seem to be looking up, something goes wrong. My husband’s work truck had to go into the shop twice in the last couple months, to the tune of about $2,500.00. Ugh. I keep thinking I should get a full-time job, but I so want to keep being a full-time mom! I am starting to look for a job that would either be graveyard shift or super-early mornings, so I wouldn’t really be gone when Kiki is around and awake and needs me. Of course, I don’t know when I’d be able to sleep, then…

I’ve decided I probably need therapy to deal with the anger I feel toward my sister. I am really not sure why I feel like I do, unless it’s maybe a deep-seated issue from our childhood. I mean, yeah, she does stupid stuff sometimes… don’t we all? Shouldn’t I be able to just let it roll off me, that whole “water off a duck” deal?   sigh    I finally  – at a women’s retreat last month – dealt with some other stuff that has been causing me grief all of my life from very early on. I’ve known it was a problem for a loooong time now, but finally feel like I’ve moved on. Which is awesome! but; sad to think of all the years I can’t go back and “fix” from having lived them in the shadow of those events. Oh, well. What’re ya gonna do?

Now, if only I could “fix” the food addiction…. I am so very tired of being fat, and yet I guess not enough to quit eating the stuff I eat. Sometimes I think it would be better to need to give up alcohol or smoking! Something black and white – I mean, you just don’t do it. You can’t really give up eating! So it’s making the right choices I find so hard.

That’s about all I have to say tonight. I am fighting a sore throat, and probably ought to go to bed early, but of course I won’t be able to go until Kiki is safely back home!

Yeah, I am still here… life goes on

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I know, I’ve been gone nearly a month. Which isn’t really remarkable these days, I suppose. Back when I first started blogging – forever ago – back in the Windows Live Spaces days (wow, right?!) –  I used to post every day. I also got a lot more viewers and comments, so of course that encouraged me to keep it up… here, not so much. Very few people drop by to read… although I do feel a deep connection with the few of you who do!  I guess I’ve been a bit too “Debbie Downer” without being, I dunno, really dark and interesting or something… I guess I’ve just sounded whiney. Oh, and I hate whiney! I forbade my daughter to use whiney on me, yet here I am.  So I just don’t get the traffic I did in the “old days”.   sigh

I am thinking I may try a new tack… less whine, more – interesting? But maybe I just won’t blog at all. I haven’t really decided what I am up for.  Trying to make changes in my “offline” life is hard enough; we will see just how much energy I have left over and what I can accomplish.

In the meantime, though, just wanted to let anyone who might happen by to know I haven’t decided to end it all… well, I mean, my life, that is… I might end the blog… but I will carry on. With the living and all.

 

The dark before the dawn… I hope

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Yeah, I am trying to be hopeful. Because it only seems to get darker and darker, and that’s not just because of the massive forest fires going on around here.  (On a side note, it’s beginning to look like Los Angeles around here, the skies are so grey and murky… it’s gross.)  even though just a week ago I thought things were looking up.

 A little over a week ago, it looked like we’d finally be able to move into a place of our own… it was pretty much a matter of would we qualify to buy a house or have to rent. Also, short of something bad happening, like the car breaking down, our much-anticipated trip to Disneyland was finally, finally going to happen, in September.  Little did I suspect the ‘something bad” that was lurking around the corner.

My husband got himself fired.

Sure, his job was crappy, he complained daily, and it paid 1/3 of what he used to make. It -almost- paid the bills.  My little part-time job paid for extras (even if “extras” shouldn’t really mean underwear, but, still…). I was looking for a better job so we could move out. Now I need a better job just so we don’t go back into the hole we have been trying so hard to climb out of.

His job was supposed to just be a means-to-an-end. It was just supposed to keep paying the bills while we got the business up and running. But he is so… aarrgh!!  I don’t even know what. Proud? Stupid? He worked at a call center, and it’s all about your “stats”, all about the numbers you post. I don’t really claim to fully understand because he had started talking “work-ese” and alot of it didn’t make sense, but what I do understand is that he started doing really well… like best in the center, top 10 out of several hundred… qualified for the “big banquet” and possibly the “big getaway”… and somehow, instead of him just being content that he was doing well and would be able to keep working there until the business could support us, it somehow became all about him being the best; about not slipping out of that number one spot… and he didn’t follow policy, didn’t do something he was supposed to do, because it would cost him precious seconds and maybe his stats would suffer… basically, he “cheated” to stay on top. And he got caught. And he got fired.

To me, it feels like another slap in the face from a man who was supposed to take care of me. He couldn’t just be content to be doing well.  He had his pride to think of, that even tho he had a crappy job he was the best at it. It’s really a question of integrity, and he’s not the man I thought he was. He has screwed up – alot – over the course of our marriage.  I thought he’d learned something.  Grown up. Figured it out. Through it all, he was at least a good provider. I could stay home, raise our daughter. Homeschool her. Have a decent place to live. Now I will have to get a full time job, leave our daughter just as she enters high school, a potentially rough time for her.

I am pissed off, hurt, shocked. Disneyland is off, of course. Our daughter will have to continue living in a bedroom which is really her bed crammed into a room full of furniture that isn’t hers; not even usable to her (bookcases full of old books, a grandfather clock, an antique table… ) She’s a teen and she can’t decorate her own space. She will soon be too old to want to go to Disneyland with us…

I am trying to figure out what benefit I get from being married. He isn’t even nice to me. And now he is mopey and grumpy and feels totally sorry for himself. Instead of trying harder he just slumps away.

I feel like God just doesn’t care. I know He loves me, but I don’t understand why that doesn’t mean some help. I love my kid and would change her life if I could. But He doesn’t, and I don’t get that. Do I have to keep suffering because of my husband’s stupid, selfish choices? Is this my fate?

I am so tired of my life.

How do you find yourself, once you become really, truly lost?

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This mire which is my so-called life has become murkier and deeper as of late. It feels as mucky as the early spring mud which sucked my boots right off my feet when I’d head out to the barn to feed the horses. (Not much is grosser than stepping ankle deep into slimy mud clad only in stockinged feet…) I feel trapped with no obvious way out. Don’t know which direction to head. How to even start.

Maybe some of this has to do with the fact that we have now been living with my parents for over a year and a half. It was supposed to be for about 6 months, maybe less. Worse, I see no immediate end to the situation. No way out. I need a full-time job, and how do you do that and homeschool your kid? Also, how do you get a decent full-time job when you haven’t really worked since your child was born, almost 15 years ago? Not to mention all the taxi-service I do for her…

Then there is my weight. Other than feeling bad about it, I am doing nothing at all. It is my addiction, to dull the pain. It hurts in the long run, but don’t all addictions work that way?

Then there is my child’s education. This past year at our co-op has worn me out. I don’t want to do it any longer. I don’t feel qualified to homeschool her completely on my own (we all know how that went over in Virginia) and I want her to at least somewhat enjoy her high school years, unlike me.

Oh, and my sister.  Ugh with the vegan-ism and the adorable outfits and the “ooh guess what we are getting a trip to Cancun this year” and oh-dear-lord what I wouldn’t give to have my little sister back so we could gripe about it together! No one else truly understands how much I can love my older sister yet hate her at that same time.

My husband is no help at all. He’s not doing anything bad, just so wrapped up in his own issues that I can’t get him to spend a moment at least trying to give me some help on mine.

I finally get why moms run away from home. Honestly, it’s all I can do some days not to just toss some stuff in a bag, hop in my car, and start driving. To – anywhere. If I had more than two nickels to rub together I’d probably go. Chances are pretty good that I’d eventually return… but maybe with my head on a little bit straighter.

Happily, blissfully alone. Unless you count the pack of hounds.

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One of the hardest things about living with extended family is that there is always someone around.  I like people, honest. But not every waking moment.  I need my alone time.  Badly.  And I haven’t had any in…. like a year.  Or two.  It’s a wonder I’m sane.   (some might say that point’s debatable)

This week we’ve been crashing with my sister and her family. No, we’re not trying to spread the love – my parents just decided this would be a lovely time to tear up the carpeting and put in hardwood floors instead. We have to be out of the house for the entire week while it’s getting done.  Well, the kids are at school, my husband’s at work, and my sis and her hubby have some errands to run. So, it’s just me and the dogs!  All four of them, (my sister’s two, my parents’ dog and mine) which is way too many for one house, lol. But I am all alone! Yay!!

UPDATE:  Well, that didn’t work out the way I’d hoped. I thought I’d have at least an hour and a half, but within 20 minutes my sister was home, happy that they’d gotten through their task quicker than expected. ~sigh~

Well, we’re back at home now and it’s smells like crazy in here. But the floors look beautiful, even if we do have to sit directly on them as we aren’t allowed to bring the furniture in yet.  Sheesh. Still, it’s good to be “home”… as home as it gets for us at this point.

Still, I wish I had a home of my own. And a little more time alone!

Sick and tired of being sick and tired (aka: another reason I don’t like doctors)

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Lately, I have been exhausted. Often. To the point that all I want to do somedays – all I feel capable of doing – is crawling back into bed. Somedays I feel like I can never really fully wake up. On top of that, somedays I feel a little dizzy. Not room-spinning-I’m-gonna-pass-out dizzy, just a little “off”, somehow. I don’t feel sick at all, just wiped out.

I had to go to the doctor – because, well, I’m a female and it’s been a year. You know. (Actually it’s been over a year but let’s not discuss that, shall we?) Anyhoo, she was a new doctor recommended by a friend. On the one hand, she was very thorough and she was gentle, so it wasn’t horrible even though she had a student “observer”.  Yeah, ’cause what woman doesn’t want an audience for that little procedure, huh? On the other hand… she is obviously a doctor who feels pharmaceuticals are the answer to all of mans’ (or women’s’) woes. She couldn’t understand why I would quit taking the reflux meds if they made me feel better – even tho I have accomplished a great deal by changing my diet.  She told me meds I could take for other symptoms. Worst of all, she refuses to believe that the problems I am having with my no-longer-opposable thumb and weakness in my arm is from the stupid antibiotics I had the horrible reaction to. In fact, towards the end of the appointment, she told me she wanted me to go in for an MRI because I possibly have MS.  What…wait…WHAT???  Oh-my-freakin’-gosh!!  If you go to WebMD and put in my symptoms, there are about 2 dozen possible issues that could be the problem.  Several of them pretty mild and treatable (one is even just “stress”) all the way to the most serious which would be MS.  So, seriously!!  If you are a doctor, would you not first try to eliminate the most basic of issues, and work your way up from there if nothing pans out?  Or do you just throw out a diagnosis of a progressive, non-curable, debilitating disease right off the bat??!!

I am so angry right now. I’ll admit, also a little scared. Although I think I am fine… but, still. That seed has been planted. So, it’s there. And it’s bothering me. I can’t afford an MRI so I can’t eliminate the fear.

I took a blood test to check for all the basic stuff and I am waiting right now for a call from the doctor. I am praying they find something easy to fix, like I’m anemic or hypothyroid or something…

I’ll let you know.

Update:

There is not a darn thing wrong with me.  Well, nothing a blood test can detect, anyway. No anemia, no thyroid problems, no blood sugar level issues, no inflammation, no infections, lalalalala.

I am just tired. And lightheaded. But fine. Hmmmm…

Snow!! Finally!! A late winter for Idaho

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I didn’t think we’d ever get winter here in the Treasure Valley, but it finally arrived! Although my inlaws in Seattle are getting more snow than we are, here in the mountain region of the country… really, we in Idaho should have waaaay more snow than Seattle!  Still, I’ll take what we get.  It’s so pretty. It’s not supposed to last, they tell us it’s going to turn to rain soon… I did get my workday cancelled, so it’s all good!!  Yay!

You can see it’s getting deep…

Poor confused Robin… dude, it’s not spring yet

Pride goeth before a fall

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OhMyGosh I cannot quit eating!!  All through the weeks leading up to Christmas I was feeling so proud of myself because I was NOT overeating. I baked cookies, and gave them away. The ones that did stay I was able to restrain myself from.  I did soooo well. Until the actual day of Christmas!  Well, actually, even then.  It really didn’t get bad until New Year’s Eve.  I have no idea what happened.  Maybe the stress of “I have to make Resolutions now” or something??  No clue. But, it all has fallen apart. I eat and eat and eat… most of it not good stuff.

Good thing my mom bought Kiki and me a WII Fit for Christmas… I better get busy. Get my body busy, instead of my mouth!

 

Soooo… it’s 2012. And I’m not as unhappy as you think.

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I have nothing fantastic to say about this. I mean, it’s all “a new start” and all that rot… but I really don’t like making New Year’s resolutions.  I mean, if I need to fix something in my life, or change something, I don’t really think I should wait until January 1st to do it.  I usually try to fix things as they come up.  (mind, I didn’t say I did fix things… just I try to…)!  However, it is a time when a person does sort of reflect on her life a bit, examine it if you will… I mean, there’s not a whole lot else to do if you’re not out partying or something!

One thing really struck me after reading a comment on a recent post of mine. The commenter made a remark about me being “so unhappy with my life”.  And I thought “I’m not unhappy”… then I thought “yes I am” then “no I’m not” and then it rolled around a bit more in my head until I had to yell “stop”!! and then I thought some more.  🙂 Hard. Objectively.  And here is the honest truth:

I am not unhappy with my life.  I mean, not in the “I’m so desperately miserable” sort of way that the commenter thinks. Yes, there are things – important things – in my life that I am unhappy about. Things I would like to be very different.  Sure, my things may be biggish things, but doesn’t everyone probably have things in their lives they are unhappy about? At least some small things? 

I suppose I give the impression of being totally depressed because I often use this blog as my place to vent.  When something upsets me, I blog about it.  So I can see where someone could get that impression, since most of my blogs are unhappy ones.  But, after doing some very honest introspection, I can tell you that I really am, overall, happy. I am al-right. Perfect? No. Could be happier? Yes. But, okay.

In fact, it’s funny, because just yesterday my boss was telling me how much she enjoys working with me because I am so cheerful. Ha!

We had a really interesting sermon at church today, and it reminded me that I need to try harder to remember that God does what He does (or, honestly,what I struggle with is the “doesn’t do what He doesn’t do”)  because He has the bigger picture in mind.  And I haven’t got a clue.  I know what I want, but maybe not totally what I need.  Sometimes I don’t think the Lord makes any sense at all.  I ask for things like… help fixing my marriage, and I can’t possibly see what the downside of that could be – why would He say “no”? or, at least “not yet”??  I don’t get that at all. But I am a moron compared to God, so what do I know? Today I thought – maybe I need to learn to rely on Him for my needs, and if my husband was the man I wanted, I’d rely on him instead.  Maybe? Interesting …

I am just trying to see the … good.  See the point in it all, if I can. Maybe that’s what I’ll strive for in 2012.