For the better part of the last year (well, ever since I switched over to WordPress and have easily kept track) my overall “most read post” every single week is the one I wrote over 4 years ago about my daughter having insomnia! Seriously! It would seem to me, according to the number of people searching the web about “10 year old insomnia”, that this is a very common problem for 10 year old kids. That’s so weird.
I think I will start a whole category here on my blog for this. Because life is full of weird stuff. What I’m thinking of now is the weather here in Idaho. It isn’t winter right now. Not one stinkin’ flake of snow for Christmas. We have this weird pattern of it being freezing cold and dry as a bone, then when we finally get a little precipitation, the temps jump up to 40 or 50 degrees. Rain. Not snow. For an Idaho winter. The other day – Christmas Eve, I think – I was sitting on the back porch in my rocking chair, in sweats and a short sleeve shirt, just soaking up the sun. I was so warm! Ok, my husband came out and was like “geez, aren’t you cold?” and I couldn’t figure why he’d ask me that. Of course, when I went inside I checked the thermometer, and the temperature was only 30 degrees out. It seemed warm to me. Weird.
I have nothing fantastic to say about this. I mean, it’s all “a new start” and all that rot… but I really don’t like making New Year’s resolutions. I mean, if I need to fix something in my life, or change something, I don’t really think I should wait until January 1st to do it. I usually try to fix things as they come up. (mind, I didn’t say I did fix things… just I try to…)! However, it is a time when a person does sort of reflect on her life a bit, examine it if you will… I mean, there’s not a whole lot else to do if you’re not out partying or something!
One thing really struck me after reading a comment on a recent post of mine. The commenter made a remark about me being “so unhappy with my life”. And I thought “I’m not unhappy”… then I thought “yes I am” then “no I’m not” and then it rolled around a bit more in my head until I had to yell “stop”!! and then I thought some more. 🙂 Hard. Objectively. And here is the honest truth:
I am not unhappy with my life. I mean, not in the “I’m so desperately miserable” sort of way that the commenter thinks. Yes, there are things – important things – in my life that I am unhappy about. Things I would like to be very different. Sure, my things may be biggish things, but doesn’t everyone probably have things in their lives they are unhappy about? At least some small things?
I suppose I give the impression of being totally depressed because I often use this blog as my place to vent. When something upsets me, I blog about it. So I can see where someone could get that impression, since most of my blogs are unhappy ones. But, after doing some very honest introspection, I can tell you that I really am, overall, happy. I am al-right. Perfect? No. Could be happier? Yes. But, okay.
In fact, it’s funny, because just yesterday my boss was telling me how much she enjoys working with me because I am so cheerful. Ha!
We had a really interesting sermon at church today, and it reminded me that I need to try harder to remember that God does what He does (or, honestly,what I struggle with is the “doesn’t do what He doesn’t do”) because He has the bigger picture in mind. And I haven’t got a clue. I know what I want, but maybe not totally what I need. Sometimes I don’t think the Lord makes any sense at all. I ask for things like… help fixing my marriage, and I can’t possibly see what the downside of that could be – why would He say “no”? or, at least “not yet”?? I don’t get that at all. But I am a moron compared to God, so what do I know? Today I thought – maybe I need to learn to rely on Him for my needs, and if my husband was the man I wanted, I’d rely on him instead. Maybe? Interesting …
I am just trying to see the … good. See the point in it all, if I can. Maybe that’s what I’ll strive for in 2012.
All right. I am tired of, well, of myself. My attitude. Yes, it’s true, my life could be better. There are certainly things I would like to be different, and lots of people in my situation would not want to be in said situation.
That being said, my life could also be worse. Now, that in itself is sometimes not incredibly encouraging… I mean, do you tell a person with breast cancer “at least you don’t have brain cancer”? That’d be stupid. I mean, most of us, no matter what our situations, can find someone whose life is better and someone whose life is worse. Because that’s just the way it is. And, your life is your life. I don’t think we feel all warm and fuzzy in our own disappointments and frustrations because someone else is worse off, because we are stuck living our own. Good or bad, our “bad” is our bad.
But, I keep coming back to that whole ‘attitude’ thing. I need to work on improving mine. No matter what might – or might not – change in my life, I need to look at it differently. Part of my life being my life means I am stuck in this one… it’s the only one I’ll get, even if I wish I could go back and make different choices and therefore be on a different path. No matter how bad I’d like to do that, I don’t get to. Here I am, so where do I go from here? I don’t really believe “it’s all up to me and I can have a better life from here on out” because 1) I’m not the only one in my life. Other people in my sphere of life make decisions that effect me, for better or for worse, and I have no control over their choices. 2) There is evil in the world – sickness of mind and of body – and that also I can’t control. It can effect me. So, we are back to that whole attitude thing, aren’t we? I can’t help what happens to me, to a large extent, but I can choose how I react to it.
That’s hard. Really, really hard. I haven’t done very well at this over the last decade or so. To be honest, I am not sure how I can improve, or if I will. But I am going to try. Because the last decade hasn’t been all that enjoyable. There have been good times, but they have been outweighed by the depression I have felt. I want so badly to be done with that! I deserve better!
Uh, no. I don’t have a baby. Or even a toddler. I’m talking about me. I need a nap. I was going to do something… I don’t know, worthwhile today. Or, get something accomplished. But the whole family is out of the house and I’m thinking… it’s raining, I’m tired… forget something worthwhile, I’m taking a nap!
I’m so sorry for my sporadic posts. When I first started blogging… years ago!… I was pretty good about writing a little something every day. Then – well, there were life changes and blog site changes and on and on…. and it just sort of fell by the wayside. Partly it’s due to the fact I don’t have a good place to get on my computer. Which now seems like a lame excuse, since I have a laptop, I mean, I could take it anywhere…. but here at home, my parents really think time on the computer is time wasted, so unless I want to sit in my room on my bed and type, I feel like I’m observed and judged. Guess I should schedule a daily SBUX run with the computer… but then I have to explain where I’m going… geez, I hate feeling like a kid again! Another reason for not posting is my daily struggle with that dark cloud of depression. I mean, I’m okay enough to realize y’all probably don’t want to hear one long whiny rant after another (like the one about my sister! Ooh, and I have some insight on that issue… more on that later). But on the other hand, I feel like I have more to complain about than to gush about…. which is probably untrue but there’s that depression talking! And now, to be completely truthful, there is one more reason. I think… I mean, probably… yeah, it’s true…. that when I first started blogging I hoped I’d get all sorts of followers and that my blog would become popular and maybe I’d even get some ads on it eventually and become rich and famous. I’ll admit it. I wanted that. And at first, when I was over at my other server site and started, I was actually featured – like a “fresh pressed” here on WP, and I was getting a few people reading… but, then, it never really happened. You know? So I think there is a disappointment attached to my blogging life. Which is weird, I suppose… here you are, writing about your personal stuff, and you hope a ton of people read it. That’s kind of strange when you think about it. I should be writing about… I don’t know, weird cakes or cats or something and maybe it would’ve worked better. Maybe I was just hoping for a little – help? People to say I’m not as crazy as I feel? That I’m not alone in a world of billions?
Hmm. I don’t know. I wish I had more answers than questions. And my life really isn’t all that horrid when I put it in perspective, but that can be hard some days. I know you understand that, right?
Well, it’s a beautiful day here – the sun is shining, I think the temp is going to be over 45 degrees today (yeah, it went from the hot 80’s one week to downright freezing here!) but this week is supposed to be ‘real’ autumn weather (like, 60’s and 70’s) and that is one thing I love. Pretty, colorful, crunchy leaves to walk through. Crisp air. Yumm. Have a lovely weekend!
Time flies. Whether you’re having fun or not, huh?
Lifting weights are touted as a great way to get into shape. You can get all buff and tough by lifting weights; you can amp up your weight loss or body building routine by putting ankle weights on while you work out, or by carrying dumbells as you walk, right?
So. I am overweight. Quite overweight. Every time I move, I am “weight lifting”! I have to lift all that weight to get up off the couch or the floor. Every time I go on my morning walk I am packing around a whole lot of weight. I’ve been doing this for years!
My muscles should be so totally ripped by now.
With each passing day my podunk little job is getting more and more difficult to deal with. I work in a family-owned and run business, and most of the people who work there – all women – are family members or friends with each other. Yeah, you can hardly imagine why that might be a problem, huh?! It’s not like I am feeling excluded; not at all. In fact, a bit more of that would be a good thing at this point! The trouble is that I am finding myself being, I don’t know, the confidant of sorts, the go-between of other people’s issues with one another… and I so don’t wanna be there.
The problem I seem to be facing more and more often – and this is happening outside of work as well – is the following scenario:
Someone comes to me, truly hurt because someone else told them something they didn’t want to hear about themselves. Something that they totally can’t believe could possibly be true about themselves. Such as “you are such a huge whiner!” “you are really mean” “you are obnoxious so much of the time” or, whatever. (these are all adults, by the way.) Then this person, who is in tears or nearly, asks me “am I really like that?” Okay. Seriously. How do you answer that question when the answer is “Yes. Yes you are.” ?? Because this person is already wounded by that other person saying that they are – whatever – and so then what am I supposed to say? I am beginning to think I am supposed to, somehow, be finding ways to let people know that, yeah, you have a bit of a shortcoming there but I know you’re not a bad person, and you don’t want to be that way…. or, something like that. Maybe. Or maybe I should just start poking myself in the eye with a stick. Quite enjoyable either way, I suppose….
First let me say I made a really yum treat for Kiki and I this afternoon, when she got home from her ITBS testing. (That would be the “Iowa Test of Basic Skills” which is sort of the nation-wide testing standard to see how students across the country measure up to their peers… yeah, the one she scored in the 95th percentile the year we didn’t do any school… which made me wonder – are they even teaching anything in public schools??!)
So, the treat – I bought some tahini and then was like “what the heck am I going to do with this stuff?” Well, it’s the main ingredient in Halvah, which I love; that gave me the idea… so, I put some tahini in a pan with butter, xylitol, cocoa,
and basically sauteed it all. OMiGosh!! It was so stinkin’ good! I told Kiki it was a middle-eastern treat before she tasted it because I knew that’d earn points with her… and she loved it! Even my mom and dad liked it, so I guess that recipe is a keeper. I didn’t take a picture of it because to be honest, it didn’t look that great… now, my dad thought it looked like beef and potatoes – corned beef hash, maybe – but I thought of its appearance more along the lines of something the dog ate and then – uh – “unswallowed”, if you will. Yeah. Mmm. But it tasted amazing.
To the point of this post though – I am so sick of all the conflicting theories about what to eat, and when to eat it, and how to eat it, and why… the list goes on and on but I think you get what I mean. It’s annoying! One group says “this” and another says “this” and then you have those friends who are “Oh, I’m doing the HCG diet” because she has that whopping 5 pounds to lose – oh, the fat cow! – and somehow that seems like a bad idea to me anyway…. yeah, whatev…
Because the …group… that I am currently going to for health issues is so over the edge in my opinion… for instance: They think I should go have my dental fillings removed and replaced because they have heavy metals in them. You know, the shiny silver fillings we old folks got before they started using the white stuff? Yeah, so, I am not signing up for that particular event. I don’t really enjoy the dentist that much, so when I happen to be in there and he tells me “these are cracked and we should replace them” then, fine, I will do it… but not before then. Or how about your deodorant? “They” say you should never use the kind with aluminum in it (which is pretty much all of them) because that will give you Alzheimer’s…. now, I haven’t got an issue with that – I can use the natural mineral salt stuff and I don’t stink, but my poor teenager! She uses the ‘evil death deodorant’ or she’d stink to high heaven. My sister (okay, and don’t even get me started on this girl because I’m about fed up) but she won’t even use regular toothpaste because the flouride will be the death of us all. Well, ho-lee-crap. I might as well just curl up and die right now, huh?!?!
I am not afraid to be dead. I believe in Heaven, so I’m cool with going there. However, the process of death can be rather uninviting. I have been thinking of the older people I know, and which ones are healthy and happy, and which ones ate heathy or not, and they don’t always match up. So there is more to it all.
So, that is why my head hurts. My normal reaction would be to go out and chomp down some cookies, but that wouldn’t help, now would it?
I think I’ll go out drinking instead.