I think I am going to have a nervous breakdown. Which would be cool, because they’d put me in a small room somewhere other than in my parent’s house, feed me, maybe no one would talk to me, maybe medicate me…. I really don’t see a downside to any of that.
I just feel like I am really really freaking out. Nothing has changed – which is, of course, the problem. I don’t know how long we can continue to live with my parents, and yet I see absolutely no end to this. Well, okay, that’s not entirely true… I see that the end may quite possibly be a year or two down the line… cripes. I thought, when we moved back, we’d have to stay with my parents for maybe 6 months, tops, while we got back on our feet. It’s already been 9.
Not that my parents haven’t been absolutely brilliant about the whole thing. They haven’t complained, try to give us some space… they actually seem to enjoy having us around. Weird, right?! I worry that one day the lid will blow and we’ll come to the house to find our few belongings tossed out on the lawn, though. I mean, really; I’ve lived with my husband, my daughter, and… well… myself a long time now. We can be pretty freakin’ annoying.
And this is a pathetic thing to admit, but I miss my stuff. I really miss my stuff. I went to the storage the other day just to visit it. I am so not kidding. Sure, I made a pretense of trying to find a few things, but really, I just wanted to look at it all. To remind myself I had a normal life once.
My husband is getting really cranky. I don’t blame him; he’s working one full time job (which is a sucky, hateful kind of job) while he also works trying to get the business off the ground. I try to help, but I really can’t do much for either. Of course, he gets mostly crabby with me even tho I am on his side. Which is irritating. Things are moving along, but at a snail’s pace. I have no answers for that.
I am trying to – need to desperately – lose weight. I have been losing about a pound a week since I started, and I’ve lost over 40 pounds… which is a good start, but I have miles to go. And this week has been an absolute feeding frenzy for me! The stress is just getting to me, and I can’t seem to resist the sweets when I am like this. I even got a breakfast sandwich at McDonald’s this week, and I can’t stand fast food!! I am losing it here, people!!
Today I was supposed to bake cookies to send with Alan for some ‘going away’ thingie they are having for someone at work. Which I totally spaced. And he made me feel like I was this giant disappointment to him for not getting them made. Geez. I mean, he totally overreacted; it was so weird.
And I am upset because it’s the last week of school and Kiki is totally blowing it at the end. She has had a 4.0 all year, and really wanted to keep it… and she’s blown 2 tests and I don’t think she can pull it up now. Also, I have absolutely nothing for her to do all summer, and with Alan’s work schedule and mine, we haven’t got alot of time to take her here and there. She auditioned for a play, and today she heard she was not selected. Which I figured she wouldn’t be (she hasn’t much experience) but I had really held out hope, because she needs something. Her friends and cousins all have something they do – mostly a sport of some sort, but some do musical stuff – so they all have games or recitals we all go to, and she feels like a loser who does nothing. She’s not a sporty type of girl, and so it’s harder… it’s not like there are ‘theatre teams’ you can sign them up for! Not to mention that whole “we are totally broke” deal… so we can’t get her music lessons, or theatre camp, or anything that costs money. That’s why I was hoping she’d make the cut for the community theater thing, it would have only cost $10.00. That I could swing. But, of course not. I feel like I am totally failing my kid by not getting her into something, but I’m at a loss.
Then there is the whole having friends over deal. She always wants a friend over, and I dread it. Because I already have absolutely no alone time, so thinking of pulling someone else in is horrid. Plus, it’s not our house. I mean, my parents don’t seem to mind, but I know that they do, a little at least. And it’s driving me insane. Quite literally.
Well, it’s time for me to head out to work now. I guess making a few dollars, however measly, is better than shutting myself in the bathroom and crying, which is what I feel like doing….