Do you ever feel like just giving up? It seems like every time I catch a glimpse of blue sky, the clouds come rolling in. (Metaphorically speaking!) For the last couple days, I’ve had that feeling that… well, it’s happened before, but I don’t know how to describe it, exactly… like, my body is just heavier than usual. I don’t mean in a "fat" sort of way; it’s more like…well… like gravity is sucking me down harder than normal.
My husband – if you’ve read this blog for any length of time, you know we’ve had serious struggles for some time now – well, he went to this – thing. This seminar, prayer retreat… a time of ‘healing’. Now, that’s a good thing, don’t get me wrong. But you see, he got healed – of, some stuff he’d been dealing with – stuff I knew nothing about. So he comes home all happy, maybe you’d call it ‘joy-filled’, ya know? … because he no longer has to deal with this… uh, "manure" he’s been messin’ in for – years. And so, in the course of his ‘sharing’ I guess, it’s like he took this manure and dumped it right over my head…. so it’s like, well "yay you" for not having to deal with it anymore, and thanks so VERY much for giving it to ME to deal with now….. and of course, he can’t understand why I can’t just be happy for him for being free of it. Humph. Not feeling very forgiving or loving at all right now. Yeah, he dumps the sticky, stinky crap all over me, and can’t see why it didn’t just roll right off. Sorry dude, but I think I got some stuck in my hair at the moment…
sigh. 26 years of marriage and I am more unhappy than ever. Well, that’s not really accurate; I have been more unhappy. Maybe it’s more dissatisfied. Discontent. I thought… really, truly believed…. that this marriage could be healed, after all it’s been through. After all I’VE been through. Maybe not. Maybe, at nearly 50 years old, it’s just too late for me to have a loving, trusting relationship?
And I’m doing so well on WW that I really shouldn’t have, oh, I don’t know, an entire 2lb box of See’s chocolates or something…. crap again.