One thing about being far away from family and friends and the things that keep you busy… you have a lot of time for introspection. I’ve been realizing a lot of things about myself… sadly, most of which are things I need to work on, to change…. but todays thought is on friendship. I have a friend coming over today – a friend from Idaho, who is out here visiting family and who is willing to take one of her days and come to see me. Which is totally great. And which I can’t really understand. Why would she want to do this? I totally have a stomach-ache, and I wish they weren’t coming, even though I am really very happy that they are!
Whenever someone comes to visit me (unless it is my parents) it stresses me out. This includes when it’s just local friends coming over, to get together for lunch or something…. you see, I feel like I have to figure out some great way to ‘entertain’ them, or some amazing meal to fix, or fabulous place to take them. The problem is, I can’t imagine that anyone would simply want to see me… to spend time with me. That they would just want to be my friend. I can’t accept that. I’ve been thinking about this alot, and I guess it boils down to me being dumped – therefore very hurt – by people I had at one time considered "best friend"s… I had a best friend from 1st to 8th grade – then in the end of our 8th grade year she dumped me for a new girl who would be attending the same high school as her. And who was less of a "good girl". In fact, her parents continued to ask me over because I was a "good influence" but of course she wanted none of that. Then, in my junior year of high school, we moved, and I found a ‘soul mate’ of sorts who lived just down the street. It was the joke between our families – even the neighborhood – that if you found one of us, you found us both. We were always together. Then she met a guy who would eventually become her husband, and I met Alan – but, she dumped me, because they were doing drugs and sleeping together and Alan and I weren’t. Sucks to be the good girl, I guess. You have to know I never ever said a thing to these girls about what they were doing – but in their hearts, I guess, they knew… I had one really good friend as an adult – when Kiki was a baby. This gal had a baby just 3 weeks older than Kiki, and we really hit it off… but then she found friends who had more money and could go and do the things with her that I couldn’t afford to. (She and her hubby were pretty well off.) Even my own husband, who I’d always considered my friend, dumped me for awhile…
So, I’ve just come to the conclusion that I am someone that people don’t want to be friends with. I mean, I seem to be likeable, and I don’t think I’m freaky-weird, I try to listen more than I talk…. part of me says that the problem was with my friends, not with me… but then I’m like "yeah, the weird ones never think they are, do they?" so then I wonder. So when someone makes a point to invite me over, or any sort of effort at being a friend, I tend not to reciprocate. I tend to look for reasons why "I can’t" make it… because, no one would just want to be my friend. Would they?