I went to see the Herbalist today. He is such a nice man. We talked about my reason for visiting him – uh, I’m needing to lose a little weight, ya see – and everyone I know is going to see him and doing this ‘Candida cleanse diet’ (which is a yeast deal, where you have to eliminate all sugar from your diet because the Cadida lives off it) and so we talked about… stuff. And I cried. Because I seem to do that at the drop of a hat these days. Which is beginning to piss me off – I mean, could I just have a conversation for pete’s sake??! If you remember, I went to see this herbalist when I just couldn’t get over my pneumonia. He suspected back then that I may be harboring some unresolved emotional issues – because, I guess, in ancient Eastern healing traditions they believe that your lung health is related to emotions somehow. Well, I don’t know about all that, but what I do know is that I’ve been dealing with the bronchitis and pneumonia since we moved here 4+ years ago – the length of time basically that we were dealing with my little sister’s mental breakdown and subsequent death. So, it does make you wonder, if nothing else. Interestingly enough, I have been dealing with this "piling on of weight" for the last 12 years….hmmm, ever since my husband’s affair….could it be related, somehow? Ya think?? I’ve known for a long time that it is somehow related – but I thought more along the lines of because I’d become so depressed I couldn’t eat, and was actually underweight for a time, so I thought I’d just killed off my always-low metabolism or something….Then, maybe I have that Candida thing so I’m addicted to sugar and that’s why even when I really, really try to eat well and even exercise, nothing changes…..Well, crap. I tested negative for the Candida, and any other physical cause of what would be keeping me from losing weight. He basically told me that nothing he could give me could really help, but what I need to do is go thru some sort of therapy to release the trapped emotions so I can truly begin to heal. Maaaan…. I mean, if it was the candida, I’d have to go on a strict diet (no breads or fruits or anything at first!) and I didn’t really want to do that, but then it kills off the stuff and suddenly you are dropping weight and all is well, you know? (So, fine, now I can stuff my face with croissants)…. but of course, it can’t be as easy as taking some herbs and changing my diet, noooo…. I have to go deal with my stuff. Aaarrrrgghh!! So I’m not sick, just crazy in the head. Which comes as no surprise, right? I know Alan would like to believe we have dealt with it all, and stuff is peachy…. but while I may be unbalanced, he is delusional. He was like, "so this is all my fault?" and I was like, "uh, duh, yeah." Lol. So, anyway. We (the witch dr and I) talked about stuff like the agreements you make with yourself – and, I’ve heard this in Bible studies and stuff, so it’s not just new-agey-voodoo-crap or anything…. do you know what I’m talking about? Like, say you’d been molested as a child. (no, I haven’t been… this is an example) anyway, lets say somewhere in your subconscious, you decide "as long as I am always 100 pounds overweight no one will ever desire me and I will be safe". So, no matter what you do in your conscious state, you’ll never get closer to your ‘ideal weight’ than 100 lbs. over…or, let’s say someone told you you’d always be a failure…. so no matter how hard you try, every time you are about to ‘win’ at something – a game, a job, a relationship – you do something to ‘blow it’ so, yeah, you’re a failure. I know this stuff is true…. I guess I just don’t know what my problem is. Well, I sort of do. Sometimes, if I think hard enough (altho I try not to!) I think that as long as I am ‘undesirable’ then if Alan had another affair, well, it would make sense. Or maybe it’s like the weight is the "wall" around me that I keep up to guard against any future hurts. Or, I remember how much I wanted to commit suicide back then… but I knew that wasn’t fair to my own family… so I prayed and prayed that God would just let me die. Give me some disease or let me get hit by a bus or something…. a way out that wasn’t really by my own hand. So maybe I’m just committing suicide on the installment plan or something?? I don’t know. I really don’t. And, honestly, I don’t feel like digging around for it. Criminy. But. I suppose I’ll call this woman he recommended and go see her. And get re-birthed or something. Start all over from scratch. Lol. Not really! I don’t know what I’m up for…. guess we’ll just see, huh? It sounds like effort, at any rate. And then I’ll still have to do something to lose the weight!! Geez. Life can be such a pain.