I’m a woman on the edge

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Two more days have gone by without me blogging or posting or actually, being ‘here’ at all…. maybe it’s because I’m not here at all!!  I swear I’m on the edge of a nervous breakdown.  Do they even call it that now?  What is the proper "P.C." term for completely going out of your mind??  I feel as if I’m in the middle of a tornado, and I’m losing my grip… there is no real reason for this that I can pin down.   I don’t know what’s wrong with me.  I just feel…spun about.  I don’t know how else to describe it.  Poor Kiki, I have little -to-no patience whatsoever.  Maybe it’s Christmas?  It seems like there is soooo much going on over the next few weeks, and I’m not prepared, really.  But it’s more than that…I feel like…gosh, I don’t know how to describe it… like, life is slipping by and I’m just not doing the stuff I want or need.  Like teaching Kiki all the stuff I think she should be learning.  Doing the extra-curricular stuff to make her a well-rounded person.  Feeding her right so she’s not such a "well rounded" person.  Working on my marriage.  Working on…me.  I want to achieve something in my life, and I’m not doing it.  Whatever ‘it’ is…  It’s like, I’m afraid I will wake up and Kiki’s tired of waiting for me to do something…like, stupid stuff, she wants us to dress alike but I’m way too fat for that, but if – when – I ever lose weight…well, she’s not going to want to match me when she’s 15!  Not that that is so important, it’s just that sort of thing… like I’m running out of time or something…. that ‘impending doom’ feeling hanging over me.   Maybe I just need some sleep….
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12 responses »

  1. I\’m no expert, but it sounds like anxiety/depression; maybe triggered by the holidays.  I pray that you find peace and joy this Christmas.
     
    Kathleen
     

  2. Are we twins or something?  We perfectionists want that puzzle complete, and fast, with all the details in place.  Some days I can happily plug away, finding puzzle pieces at the ready, placing them where they go.  Other days…even finding a piece is difficult, because it is blurred, and out focus.  I do think the stress of our own expectations, and how getting ready for Christmas, and other evens, adds to that.  For me, it helps to write down my goals in categories of priority, and being realistic with the "puzzle pieces" on my goal making, with long term and short term projects and lists.  My "What will I do today?\’ list includes a few simple things that I know I can check off to help me get going.  Instead of thinking I need to be a "spiritual giant" or \’super woman" I focus on one scripture.  (I have a scripture of the day on my computer.)  I ask the Lord to fill me with His Spirit and perspective and let walk in that scripture in a way that will help me through my day.  I open myself up for teachable moments instead of the "Martha" get all the work done ones.  
     
    I know you aren\’t me…but this might get you thinking on doing the things that ARE you, that help to take a day at a time and a moment at a time.  Could you and Kiki start towards the look alike by doing your hair the same, or wearing the same kind of shoes, or something that lets her see you are working on that?  Your telling her that you are working on that goal, that you stuggle with things just like she does, that you need the Lord to help, praying together, will do more for her than being able to wear the same stuff.  Think about it…Hollywood actresses look great…after the weight training, make up, and diet… but so many aren\’t happy with themselves as people.  Yes, good, make goals for health and diet.  You and Kiki could do a "eat alike" project to help you both.  You could start with a breakfast menu that you plan together.  She could be the one to write it down and use that as an grammar and spelling lesson, with how to make a menu, and then go over the spelling that she misses, not to chide but to teach.  Then after that is corrected…she could neatly put the menu on poster board, and magazine pictures or computer print outs, do her own art or whatever, and you could start that way.   I think she would be thrilled to help you with losing weight and you could even do exercise together.  She could get credit for her schooling on the menu etc.  Just ideas here…but a start.  BTW…delete this book if you wish…lol…without hurting my feelings.
     
    Love and hugs,
    Beth 

  3. P.S.
     
    You are achieving something… as a wife, a mother, a woman, a Christian…you are writing a book with your life…in the Lambs Book of Life…with the help of the Lord.  It takes a lifetime to complete.  Love and hugs!

  4. I can sympathize.  The peanut is not even to two yet and I feel it.  It breaks my heart how fast it goes and where the time goes.  It\’s all too fast and then they will be gone.  You just have to allow yourself to breathe, take it in and have fun.  That\’s probably all Kiki really wants anyway.  Give her the memories you wish you had as a kid.  That\’s what I\’m trying to do with the peanut.  It\’s good times!
     
    Take care,
    Amy

  5. One baby step at a time. The holidays are hard for me, but I muddle through it all, hang in there and know that we are all keeping you in our prayers.
    Hugs,
    Becca

  6. You know what Ann? This is what I have to do when I get like this – it sounds simple (and it is) but it helps me immensely.
     
    Just stop a minute. Stop thinking, feeling, wishing, hoping, all of it for just one second. Take a deep breath. Remember that you are pulled in a thousand different directions by life, of course – you have to be to be wife, mother, teacher, mentor, Christian, housekeeper, chauffeur, etc etc… those are all things we pile on ourselves in order to live the "life" we think we need to be living… but first and foremost – you must take one little second of time for YOU. To just close off the world for one sec and give you mind/heart/soul/ whatever a wee teeny break. I\’m not talking hours one end… just one second of time to say
     "Thank you Lord for this life you\’ve given me and I pray that I may use it to the best of MY ability."
     
    For some reason when I stop long enough to be thankful for my life and all those things… it helps me to regain perspective that I WANT all those things. All of the things that stress me out are the same things that I LOVE…. being a wife, mother, Christian, mentor, chaffeur, etc etc… those are the things that DEFINE me in so many ways. I can only do what I can do… not based on anyone else\’s standards… just me and my ability… which may not be as great as someone else\’s. When I stop long enough to acknowledge that I am doing the BEST I CAN … the tornado stops.
     
    I don\’t know if I am remotely explaining what I am trying to say…. probably not. But…. regardless if you understand me or not… I will certainly pray for you!
    weimie

  7. You know what Ann? This is what I have to do when I get like this – it sounds simple (and it is) but it helps me immensely.
     
    Just stop a minute. Stop thinking, feeling, wishing, hoping, all of it for just one second. Take a deep breath. Remember that you are pulled in a thousand different directions by life, of course – you have to be to be wife, mother, teacher, mentor, Christian, housekeeper, chauffeur, etc etc… those are all things we pile on ourselves in order to live the "life" we think we need to be living… but first and foremost – you must take one little second of time for YOU. To just close off the world for one sec and give you mind/heart/soul/ whatever a wee teeny break. I\’m not talking hours one end… just one second of time to say
     "Thank you Lord for this life you\’ve given me and I pray that I may use it to the best of MY ability."
     
    For some reason when I stop long enough to be thankful for my life and all those things… it helps me to regain perspective that I WANT all those things. All of the things that stress me out are the same things that I LOVE…. being a wife, mother, Christian, mentor, chaffeur, etc etc… those are the things that DEFINE me in so many ways. I can only do what I can do… not based on anyone else\’s standards… just me and my ability… which may not be as great as someone else\’s. When I stop long enough to acknowledge that I am doing the BEST I CAN … the tornado stops.
     
    I don\’t know if I am remotely explaining what I am trying to say…. probably not. But…. regardless if you understand me or not… I will certainly pray for you!
    weimie

  8. You know what Ann? This is what I have to do when I get like this – it sounds simple (and it is) but it helps me immensely.
     
    Just stop a minute. Stop thinking, feeling, wishing, hoping, all of it for just one second. Take a deep breath. Remember that you are pulled in a thousand different directions by life, of course – you have to be to be wife, mother, teacher, mentor, Christian, housekeeper, chauffeur, etc etc… those are all things we pile on ourselves in order to live the "life" we think we need to be living… but first and foremost – you must take one little second of time for YOU. To just close off the world for one sec and give you mind/heart/soul/ whatever a wee teeny break. I\’m not talking hours one end… just one second of time to say
     "Thank you Lord for this life you\’ve given me and I pray that I may use it to the best of MY ability."
     
    For some reason when I stop long enough to be thankful for my life and all those things… it helps me to regain perspective that I WANT all those things. All of the things that stress me out are the same things that I LOVE…. being a wife, mother, Christian, mentor, chaffeur, etc etc… those are the things that DEFINE me in so many ways. I can only do what I can do… not based on anyone else\’s standards… just me and my ability… which may not be as great as someone else\’s. When I stop long enough to acknowledge that I am doing the BEST I CAN … the tornado stops.
     
    I don\’t know if I am remotely explaining what I am trying to say…. probably not. But…. regardless if you understand me or not… I will certainly pray for you!
    weimie

  9. I have had days (weeks) like that. There is so much I want to achieve, but I don\’t know what it is, and I\’m running out of time! I think it\’s about wanting to live a meaningful life, making an impact on somebody – anybody! I have been soul searching for some time about how my talents could best be used, but so far, no dice. Who wants to live a wasted life? So I can relate!

  10. We all have days like that, so don\’t feel bad.  As parents, we all do the best we can with what we have to work with.  Our kids will turn out fine in spite of us.  🙂
    ((((Ann))))

  11. Life can be so overwhelming at times and this time of the year is usually at the top of the list for many of us.  Sometimes I just feel like I dont have the energy to get it all done.  Hopefully after the holidays, we\’ll all return to some resemblence of "normalcy" and stop feeling so inadequate.  Remember to take a few minutes for yourself everyday.  That is important for all of us. 

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