Explaining the Marriage Class (in a rather rambling sort of way!)

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Alright, I promised I would talk about this, didn’t I?  Hmmm, where to start… first you have to realize I was sick…feeling crummy and being in a foul mood already probably didn’t help my outook on that day!  Second, you know, I’m sure, that this blog is my venting spot… lots of times I spew out on the page, then I feel better.  So you all get to read the spew.  Sorry.  But it’s how it works for me.  Like it or leave it, I guess!!  But, here’s the deal – the book is titled "His Needs, Her Needs"  – all fine and well, but then it is subtitled "Building an Affair-Proof Marriage".  Okay, also fine but it’d been nice if we’d found this book about a decade ago, eh??  Seriously, it’s good stuff, sound advice… I think everyone should have to read this about 2-3 years into their marriage – after the honeymoon "gloss" is over, but before (hopefully) anything serious has gone wrong… So, here’s where the book got on my nerves, so to speak –  the very first chapter goes into why so many people face affairs (and divorces, etc.) in their marriages, how we aren’t fulfilling basic emotional needs of our spouses.  What bothered me was that it seemed like he was almost saying the cheating spouse couldn’t "help" it, that the lack they felt in their marriage forced them into, well, other arrangements.  Maybe it’s his (the author, that is) plan to be a "scare tactic" so we try harder, but you know, after the fact, I don’t need to be told it was all my fault!  Which is a big pile of you-know-what, because I don’t care if you have the lousiest spouse on the planet you are never justified in having an affair.  Period. Per-EE-od.  So.  In re-reading (in a different frame of mind) he does touch on that.  But it hit a raw nerve, I guess.  I thought the author must be a big ol’ jerk and how in the world was this class going to help my marriage…!!!!   If you’ve come to the conclusion that I (and my marriage) obviously need some help, you’re totally right!  Why the heck do you think we’re taking this class in the first place?!   Last night was our ‘First Session’.  Alan and I did our homework all week like good little students.  It did bring up some stuff we need to work on, and maybe it will help after all.  I know (and Alan would agree) that we’ve actually ‘stuffed’ a lot of things that we "say" we’ve dealt with.  And we need to actually deal with it for good.  But it’s like ripping open an old wound that’s healed over because you discover there is still infection below the surface…. necessary for the ultimate healing, but incredibly painful in the process.  I have a feeling this is going to be a rough 8 weeks.  And you all may be reading some serious spewing….. please, just put up with me.  Pray for me.  Alan and I are both tired of having a crappy marriage…we don’t fight much, but it’s because we’ve withdrawn into our own corners.  We’re fairly decent roommates, somedays…  We want so much more than that!  Several times in the Bible, Jesus talks about how He is the groom and the church is the bride…so our marriages are supposed to be reflections of that relationship.  Ouch.  As a Christian couple,  we’ve been doing a pretty lousy job of it. 
 
Well, there ya go.  I am feeling a bit better about the class at this point.  I’m sure that will fluctuate on a regular basis!!  I’ll keep you all updated on how it’s going.  But I didn’t want to just leave you wondering!
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3 responses »

  1. Wow, I am so proud of you for wanting to improve your marriage and desiring to have the marriage that is supposed to be a reflection of Christ and the church.  That is such a positive and wonderful way to look at it.  It\’s never fun to have to go so deep to get there though, that\’s for sure!  I hope these next 8 weeks are the most amazing and changing of your whole marriage!
     
    Amy

  2. I read that book in our pre-marital class, and it pissed me off for the exact same reasons you just described. My feeling is, it doesn\’t matter what\’s going wrong, there is no excuse whatsoever for having an affair. He insinuates that spouses push each other into affairs. I completely disagree with that. Some personalities are more prone to infidelity, for one. He also said something like once a man falls in love with another woman, he will always love that woman, and there\’s nothing you can do about it, so you just have to live with it. Bull—t if you know what I mean.

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