Autumn ~ Sickness ~ Marriage ~ stuff

I love fall.  I love the crisp cool air and the beautiful changing colors of the foliage.  I love the excitement that begins to build because Thanksgiving and Christmas are just around the bend. 
I don’t love this stupid-wicked cold that I have.  My throat hurts, my ears hurt, my head feels like it’s gonna blow up.  On the plus side, I got Alan to take Kiki to AWANAS tonight all by himself… he thinks I am home sleeping, LOL!!!  As if.  Maybe I will go to bed when I am done here….
Here is something else I do not love.  That marriage has to be so freakin’ hard.  After 23 years, it’s still such a struggle.  We just started this new class… at $150.00 for 8 weeks…. and after the first chapter of the book I am just pissed off.  My head hurts too much to go into the ‘whys and wherefores’ right now, but maybe I’ll tell ya all later.  At any rate, I just wonder if it’s gonna be worth the effort I have to put in.  That sounds awful, I know.  It’s just… well, later.  I’ll talk about it later.   Because if I try to explain it all now, I will still be here when the troops get home, and I’ll catch flak for not being in bed.  Which is part of the problem…am I a child??  Is he my dad??  I think not.  You could say it’s because he cares, but cut the crap then…. just be nice, not demanding….  okay, my head really hurts and getting all riled up isn’t going to help, now is it??
I am going to bed, my friends!  If my head hasn’t exploded by tomorrow, perhaps I’ll try to make things a bit more clear….

2 responses »

  1. Hi Ann,
    Thanks for the pumpkin recipe and the tips.  I really think the kids will love this. 
    Wish you were feeling better.  You\’re in my prayers…

  2. I don\’t usually make comments about people\’s marriages because we\’ve all been there, and comments aren\’t necessarily helpful. I\’ve been reading your blog for a while, and it looks to me like there are control issues. While Alan seems to be overtly controlling, you seem to repsond by being passive aggressive ("who is he to tell me to clean? Ha!). I\’ve dealt with that issue in my own marriage, and I know now that basically, he will never change. The only person I can control is myself. That doesn\’t really mean I\’ve changed in order to please him, but I do the things that make me happy, and if he doesn\’t like it, oh well. That probably sounds like sabatoge, but not really. What I mean is, I don\’t let it get to me if he wants me to behave a certain way. I stay true to myself, and if he wants something done a certain way, he\’ll have to do it himself, but I cannot be who he wants me to be. I\’ve pointed out again and again that I am not like his mother, his former housekeeper (he had one in S.Africa), his ex-wife, etc. I can\’t cook (for example), I don\’t like it, and I don\’t plan to start liking it. But I will cook if he\’s willing to eat it. If he wants good food, however, he\’ll have to do it himself. He doesn\’t like it, and maybe his satisfaction is down a bit because of it, but I do not feel guilt over it anymore, and I don\’t let his comments get to me, because I know that he is the one who is misguided about who he thinks I should be. I am who I am, and I try to put the focus on the ways that I am good for him, like helping him out with his career or being his pillar during hard times. I\’m guessing in your case certain behaviours were established early on and you just lived with it, but the longer it goes, the more it festers, and the harder it is to change him. Anyway … hopes it goes okay for you.

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