I’m wondering…. am I a bad mom?
Because I get to answer my own question before anyone else can, I am going to say "No, you are not a bad mom….certain unnamed parties who reside in this household just don’t get it." To answer the upcoming question "Huh? What the heck is Ann talking about now??" I will explain…..
Yesterday, Alan and I dropped Kiki off at Summer Camp. It was a 3-hr drive (both ways, so total of 6hrs. + stops). She will be up there almost a week; on Friday we drive up for closing ceremonies, a BBQ and to bring her home. We got her settled into her cabin (a bit too quickly…check-in took for-flippin’ ever so we just got her in under the deadline… the other campers had already made ‘bunk-bed-name-tags’ and they were slipping into swim suits for a swimming test…) But, anyway….. I was fine. Took a couple snapshots, gave her a hug and a kiss, the usual mom stuff. She seemed okay, maybe a bit anxious for us to "go!" As we were walking back to our car, I noticed Alan was choking back tears…then they began to fall down his cheeks. Isn’t that sweet? He was really upset about leaving his little girl all alone so far away. He swore he could see a "look" on Kiki’s face that she was about to cry as well… now, I know her fairly well, being with her, like, always, and I didn’t see that….but, whatever. It’s fine. I’m sure she had a rough night of being homesick, but I am equally sure that at this very moment she is have a totally great time.
As for me, well, of course I miss her, she’s my baby! However, I cannot tell you how absolutely wonderful it was to wake up this morning to quiet. I just lay there in bed, feeling the breeze blow in from the window, listening to the birds singing outside…aaahhhhhhh….You see, I am not a morning person. I really don’t want anyone to talk to me until I’ve been up for, I dunno, maybe an hour?! But I live with Chatty Cathy. I awaken to "blah blah blah yakkity yakkity yak" every single morning. Sitting on my bed, telling me…I don’t know what. I’m not awake enough to be paying attention! Don’t read this wrong….I wouldn’t trade my little Jabberbox for anything. It’s just that, sometimes, I could use a break. I never get one. Until today. And, I am quite content this morning. Alan called a short while ago. I mentioned to him how awesome it is to awake to quiet. He said "Oh, you know you would much rather have wakened to her talking this morning." Uhm, no, actually, it was really nice…but, okay, sure, "yeah, of course I would"…. geez, so am I lying now, as well? hmmm. I mean, of course, after a couple days I am sure I am going to feel really lonely here; even in the morning! And if I was worried about where she was, or thought she was unhappy somewhere, it would be totally different. But for now, I am just revelling in the peace; in the thought that I can do whatever I want today, no interruptions, no "I need this, I need that" kind of thing that comes with being a mom. I don’t want this condition to last, but it’s nice for a short change….and, it’s okay to feel that way, isn’t it?? Is it bad of me to be happy for a little break? I just think, with Alan being at work everyday, not dealing with the 24/7/365 that I deal with, he doesn’t understand my need for a bit of ‘alone time’. Remember, she doesn’t even go off to school 5 days a week! We see a lot of each other!! So now I am feeling a little guilty… maybe I am a bad mama. I don’t think so….. shoot. I guess I had better go do some work to assuage my guilt a bit.